Sober
by imjustwriting
Summary: He cared. She wanted to hate him for it, for being that kind of guy, but she couldn't.
1. Chapter 1

This is completely AU because it would never happen on the show. We aren't that lucky. I got this from a song by Tim McGraw called "Diamond Rings and Old Barstools." If you haven't heard it before, even if you don't like country music, I strongly encourage you to give it a listen. It is a gem and is what inspired this fic. Hope it's not too AU for anyone. Enjoy and let me know what you think.

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own or have any affiliation with Chicago PD, its characters, writers, cast or crew.

* * *

He walked in through the front entrance, an aroma of stale cigarettes and beer hitting him immediately. He saw a familiar face behind the bar, a perky smile over her lips that disappeared as soon as her eyes landed on him. He ignored her, stuffing his hands into his coat pockets as he surveyed the place.

His eyes soon landed on the only person he was here to see, sat on a barstool towards the back of the place. He took quick steps until he stood beside her. He noticed her face first. Her dilated pupils stared straight ahead and her frail arms rested on the counter top. An open bottle of beer sat in front of her, and in the other between her shaking fingertips held a half gone Marlboro red cigarette.

"Since when do you smoke?" He asked as he took a seat next to her. The old barstool creaked under his weight.

She turned her head, as if just now noticing his presence. She brought the butt to her lips, took a quick drag. Inhale. Exhale. "What do you care, Halstead?"

Jay shook his head. "I do care. You know I do."

She snorted a dry laugh, seeming anything, but amused, and returned her gaze to the space in front of her. She took another drag of her cigarette before lifting the bottle to her lips and taking a long swig. "What do you want?"

"You know, Justin's having a kid."

Erin turned her head again and set her eyes on Jay's. "Did you come all the way down here just to tell me things I already know?"

"Well, did you know Adam and Kim are engaged?" Jay asked her.

She shook her head and took another swig of beer. "When did that happen?"

"A couple weeks ago."

She nodded and took another sip. "Good for them."

Jay let out a heavy sigh before he drawled out her name. "Erin..."

She didn't miss the way his voice sounded like a plea.

"What do you want Jay?" She asked again.

"You've been gone for weeks, Erin. You don't answer your phone or return anyone's messages. I stop by your apartment and you're not there. I'm worried about you. We all are. I mean, do you really want to miss out on these things happening to your family? Your friends? Do you really want to just stop living?"

She didn't respond and all he could do was let out another sigh of frustration. "I told you before, Erin. I don't care where you've been or what you've done. But this isn't you."

Erin shook her head. "But it is. This is who I've always been meant to be."

Jay shook his head. "I don't believe that. I don't think you do either."

When Erin didn't say anything he leaned in closer, his face inches from hers and he spoke into her ear. "Do you really believe that your mother is looking out for you? That she wants the best for you? The only reason she's doing any of this so-called parenting now is because she knows how vulnerable you are and she's trying to get one over on you and Voight. So she can gloat about it later and feel like the better parent. You and I both know she's only doing this for herself, Erin."

Erin turned to look at him. "I'm good here, Halstead."

Jay ignored her breath of nicotine and beer, and shook his head at her again. "No, you're not."

Erin ignored him and looked away. She brought the cigarette between her fingers to her lips once more to take a puff. Jay sighed, grabbed the cigarette from her hands, and snuffed it out in the ash tray on the counter.

She turned on her stool then to face him completely and spoke in a loud voice, clearly irritated. "What the hell do you want from me?"

"I want you to stop hurting yourself. This isn't you, Erin," he said.

She nearly laughed. "You don't know me."

"I do. I know the kind of person you are and what you've been through. The Erin I know, the woman I fell in love with wouldn't do this to herself. She wouldn't let this happen. She would fight."

"I don't have any fight left in me."

Jay could see the tears in her eyes, hear the cracked tone of her voice, but he pushed. "I'll help you. Let me help you."

She could hear the plea in his tone again. She saw tears in his own eyes like she'd seen that night he cornered her in the garage. He cared. She wanted to hate him for it, for being that kind of guy, but she couldn't.

"I don't know how," she whispered with a shrug of her shoulders.

"Come with me. Right now. Let me take you out of here. Please."

"And go where?"

"Your apartment. My apartment. You know you'll always have a home with me. With Voight. We love you and we don't want this for you. You're better than this. You deserve better than this."

Erin shook her head. "Voight's pissed at me. I handed him my badge. Told him I quit. He's done with me."

"No, he's not. Please, Erin. Come with me."

She shook her head again, and whispered once more. "I'm scared."

Jay's forehead creased. "Why?"

"Because I'm high right now. Been that way for a couple weeks."

"Let me help you," he begged her again.

She sniffed, hoped her tears wouldn't fall, but they betrayed her and she had to look away from him. Jay reached an arm out, grabbed hold of one of her hands. "Erin..."

He squeezed her hand against his and she turned back to face him. He'd hoped her resolve was fading.

"Let's get out of here. Let me take you some place safe. Where you're around people who care about you. Genuinely care about you. Please, don't stay here. Come with me."

Her eyes stayed on his and before she could stop herself she felt her head nodding up and down. Jay stood from the stool and helped Erin off of hers. She stumbled a bit, but he released her hand and wrapped an arm around her waist. They walked to the front of the bar together, passing Bunny behind the counter.

"Erin?" She called out.

Erin halted her steps, which caused Jay to do the same. She took a deep breath before she turned to face her mother. She only shook her head, tears still in her eyes and said, "Goodbye mom."

Erin turned back towards Jay. Her eyes met his and she nodded. He didn't say another word as he led her out of the bar, his arm still around her as they walked to his car.

She fell asleep sometime during the car ride, as short as it may have been, because when she opened her eyes Jay was at the passenger side door. He pulled it open and helped her stand on shaky legs. She stumbled again, still out of it, her head lolled to the side and her eyes continued to drift closed. The high she had felt from the dope she'd taken earlier was now gone and she just wanted to sleep.

Jay could tell she was struggling as they stood in front of his car.

"Come here," he called to her in a low voice. He took a step closer to her, reached his arms out and lifted her before she could protest. One arm under her legs and the other around her back. He kicked the door shut with his foot and carried her up the sidewalk, then up front porch steps. He nudged the doorbell with his elbow and waited with Erin now passed out in his arms.

When the door finally opened Jay offered a small smile and swore he saw tears in Hank Voight's eyes.

"You brought her home." Hank smiled, almost sadly, and pulled open the front door wider. Jay stepped inside and turned to catch Hank's gaze who pointed to the staircase.

"Upstairs. Second door on the right."

Jay nodded and started up the stairs, Erin still asleep and unaware in his arms.

Jay reached the top of the stairs and made his way to the second room to the right and walked through the open doorway. It was a guest bedroom. He carried Erin to the queen sized bed and laid her down. She mumbled incoherent jargon as Jay pulled the covers up over her small frame. He sat down on the bed and watched her for a few moments before he stood. He leaned down and kissed her forehead and then made his way back down the stairs.

He found Voight stood in front of the refrigerator in the kitchen. Jay stopped in the doorway, ran a hand through his hair and looked over at Hank.

"I'm not leaving her," Jay said firmly.

Hank nodded, pulling two beers from the fridge before he turned to face Jay and handed one to him.

"Didn't think you would."

Jay took the beer and took a long pull from it. "She said she was high."

Hank nodded, as the two sat at the island.

"This isn't gonna be easy, Halstead. I've seen her like this before. I know what to expect. Once the withdrawal sets in, it won't be pretty."

Jay took another swig from the bottle in his hands before he locked eyes with Hank. "I'm not leaving her."

Hank sipped from his own beer. "Alright then. Let's get our girl back."


	2. Chapter 2

Ask and you shall receive. I'm not sure how many chapters this will be, but I really hope I did this one justice. Drop a review and let me know what you think. Enjoy.

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own or have any affiliation with Chicago PD, its characters, writers, cast or crew.

* * *

When she woke the next morning in a bed that wasn't hers, Erin sat up to take in her surroundings. She rubbed the sleep from her eyes and took a look around. She first noticed the two suitcases stood against the wall by the door. Then she saw the lavender painted walls, the old desk in the corner that used to belong to the woman who helped raise her when she was a teenager, and then she saw the oak dresser against another wall.

Erin was in her old bedroom. She was at Hank Voight's house. The previous night came back to her in quick flashes. She remembered Jay. He had come into the bar where Bunny worked. He said things. He took her out of there.

 _He brought me to Voight's. Where is he now, though? Did he leave? He wouldn't just leave me here with Voight. Not after what he said last night. Would he?_

Erin pushed the thoughts from her mind and swung her legs out from under the covers and over the side of the bed. Her head was pounding and all she really wanted to do was crawl back under the blankets, but her mouth was dry. She needed water, and maybe a cigarette.

Erin stood from the bed. Her legs nearly gave out beneath her and she had to grab onto the nightstand table so she wouldn't fall. When she was sure she wouldn't, she let go of the table and walked to the door. She opened it and poked her head out. She didn't hear much other than the clanking of dishes which didn't help to ease her aching head. She looked down at herself and found she was presentable. She wore the same clothes from yesterday; jeans and an old Blackhawks t-shirt, and socks on her feet. She would change later.

Erin tried to listen for voices again, but couldn't seem to focus. Her head was killing her. She took a deep breath and let it out - she knew what was coming. She couldn't avoid it. She took another deep breath and stepped out of the bedroom towards the stairs. She gripped the railing tightly and took one step at a time.

When she reached the bottom she turned down the hallway towards the kitchen. She swallowed a large lump in her throat as she took small, quiet steps.

When she finally got to the end of the hall Erin stood in the doorway. Her arms were crossed in front of her chest and her eyes surveyed the space around her. Her eye quickly found Jay, sat at the table as he nursed a cup of what she assumed was coffee. She poked her head in a bit more and saw Hank stood in front of the stove as he tended to something in a skillet.

Jay noticed her first and he stood from his chair. The wooden legs scraped across the tile floor with an annoying whistle that caused Erin to wince and Hank to turn around. The two men both stared at her in silence as Erin stepped fully into the kitchen. Her arms still crossed protectively in front of her as she made her way to the table, her eyes on her feet as she walked.

Jay pulled out a chair for her, ever the gentleman he was, and Erin sat down without a word or even a glance in his direction. She dropped her arms from her chest, but kept her hands in her lap. She didn't look up. She couldn't look them in the eye. Not yet. She was such a disappointment. She saw it every single time she looked at their faces.

"Good morning," she heard from Jay. He set a steaming mug down in front of her. She reached for it, but still didn't say a word or meet his eyes. She just brought the mug to her lips to sip the caffeine she desperately needed at the moment.

Erin kept the mug in her hands as she noticed movement out of the corner of her eye. Hank walked towards her with a plate in each hand. He set one down in front of her, and handed the other to Jay.

"Thank you," she heard Jay as he took the plate of breakfast from Hank's hands.

Erin could feel their eyes on her as she held the coffee mug in a tight grasp. She eyed the food, but didn't touch it as a wave of nausea came over her. The coffee was enough for her.

"You gonna eat?" Hank asked her. She knew it wasn't a question though, as she glanced in his direction, but didn't meet his eyes. He stood close to the table, his arms crossed over his chest.

Erin pushed the plate away; the smell of it alone was making her sick. "I'm not hungry."

Her voice was childlike and just above a whisper. Hank stepped towards her. "Erin, you've gotta eat."

Erin shook her head. "I said I'm not hungry."

She heard the sigh that came from Hank, but still didn't meet his eyes with her own. She stole a glance at Jay and instantly regretted it. Worry seemed to ooze from him in the frown that stretched along his lips. His sad green eyes met hers and she swallowed a large lump in her throat at the guilt that overcame her.

Erin dropped her eyes and focused back on her coffee. She heard that annoying whistle against the floor again and raised her chin. Hank had pulled a chair up alongside her and sat down.

"You have to eat. You know how this works, kid. You either do it here or we take you to a hospital. It's your choice."

 _Not much of a choice is it?_

Erin shook her head at him with a sarcastic snort. "And if I get sick are you gonna clean it up or are you gonna have your new lap dog do it for you?"

She glanced at Jay and didn't miss the hurt look that crossed his face, but she couldn't stop the words as they continued to slip out. "Why'd you bring me here? You could have taken me anywhere else, but you had to bring me here. I never should have left with you."

Erin sat the mug down and crossed her arms over the table in front of her. She dropped her head to rest on top of them, closed her eyes, and then shielded her face against the inside of her elbow.

Jay and Hank looked between one another, each with worry still etched in the wrinkles of their faces. Hank stood and made his way to the sink to start on the dishes while Jay stood and walked around the table to Erin. He stood with a wary look on his face and locked eyes once more with Hank from across the room. Hank only shrugged his shoulders, as if to say "I told you this wouldn't be easy."

Jay ignored him and kneeled down beside Erin. He rested his left hand on the top of her knee and placed the other in the middle of her back. She flinched at the contact, but kept her head down.

"Erin," Jay whispered. He moved each of his thumbs in circles over her knee and back, and leaned his head in closer to hers.

"Please, look at me," he pleaded with her, but she didn't move or speak until he whispered again. "Baby, please."

Erin lifted her head at his words. She locked eyes with Jay and that's when he saw her tears. She sniffed and wiped at her eyes with the back of one of hers hands.

"You've never called me that before," she said to him quietly.

"I'm sorry. I won't say it again," he told her.

Erin shrugged her shoulders. "I kinda like it."

Jay smiled at her before he lifted his hand from her knee to the top of the table. He reached for the plate of food Hank had brought to her and pulled it towards them. "Please, just take a few bites. Get something in your stomach."

Erin sighed as Jay grabbed the fork on the side of the plate and handed it to her. She glanced between his eyes and the utensil in his grasp and sighed heavily once more before she finally took it from him.

Jay stood from the floor and reached for the coffee mug in front of Erin. He leaned down to drop a kiss to the top of her head and then walked over to the machine on the counter.

As Jay refilled the mug he felt a nudge on his shoulder. He turned to his left and found Voight's eyes. Hank nodded over the island and Jay followed his gaze. He smiled as he saw Erin pop a bite of eggs into her mouth and started to chew slowly.

"Nice work, Halstead," Hank said low enough for only Jay to hear.

Jay nodded, dumping a spoonful of sugar into Erin's coffee mug.

"Listen. I've gotta run to the district for a little bit. Make sure she eats something every few hours."

Jay nodded. "Of course. I'll take care of her."

"I have no doubts about that. I'll check in, in an hour or so."

"Sounds good."

Hank turned to walk away, but stepped back to face Jay again. "I think I might have been wrong about you, Halstead."

Jay raised an eyebrow at him. "Is that a good thing?"

Hank smiled. "I'd say so."

Jay smiled back and then Hank walked out of the kitchen. A few moments later Jay heard the front door open and close. He grabbed the mug in front of him and walked back over to Erin. He placed the coffee down in front of her.

She looked up at him. "Thanks."

He nodded and took a seat in the chair closest to her. "How's your breakfast?"

Erin shrugged as she moved the remaining amount of food around on her plate. "It's fine. I'm just not that hungry."

Jay sighed. "I know you may not feel like you are now, but you will be. It's better to have something in your stomach now rather than wait until later. Just, please, eat a little more for me. Okay?"

Erin looked up at him and could only nod before bringing another forkful to her mouth.

"Thank you," Jay told her.

"Where's Voight?" Erin asked him a few minutes later.

"He had to go to the district for a little while. He'll be back later."

Erin didn't say anything else as she ate a bit more. Once most of the eggs and half the toast was gone she dropped the fork to the plate.

"Is that good enough?" She asked Jay.

He gave a half-smile. "For now."

Erin pushed the plate away from her before reaching for the coffee mug.

"I went to your apartment. Got some stuff for you."

Erin nodded. "I saw the suitcases. Thank you."

"You're welcome," Jay said.

Erin kept her eyes cast down to the table, but she could feel Jay's eyes on her. She looked up at him and caught his gaze. "What?"

He shook his head. "Nothing."

"Must be something if you can't stop staring," she countered.

Jay shrugged. "I'm worried about you, and I know you're sick of hearing the same thing over and over, but I just – god, I just love you, Erin. I know you're still blaming yourself for what happened to Nadia, but it wasn't your fault. I just hope that deep down inside of you, somewhere you know that."

Erin had dropped her eyes back to her coffee mug as soon Jay muttered the 'L' word. Even if it were true, she still hated hearing it. She didn't feel like she deserved anyone's love, let alone Jay's. Not with the way she had treated him. Not with everything she had done, and hearing him tell her Nadia's death wasn't her fault didn't make her believe it any more than when people had said the words to her nearly a month ago. Why couldn't everyone else see what she saw? She's the one that got Nadia killed. If it wasn't for her trying to save everyone, if it wasn't for her stupid birthday, for her existence, then maybe Nadia might still be alive right now.

Erin sniffed to hold back the tears that burned in the corners of her eyes. "I, um, I'm gonna go take a shower."

She stood from the table quickly and abandoned her coffee as she walked away from Jay and towards the hallway.

"Erin," Jay called out to her as he rose from his chair.

She turned around to face him just as the tears made their way down her cheeks. He stepped towards her, but Erin held up a hand to stop him. "Just let me take a shower. Please?"

Jay swallowed a lump in his throat and gave a quick nod of his head, and within a mere second Erin was out of the room and headed for the stairs.

Erin climbed the stairs to the second floor as fast as her body would let her. She entered her old room and shut the door behind her, and grabbed her black leather jacket. She knew exactly where it was; the tiny zip lock baggy that she had tucked away inside the interior pocket the night before. She unzipped the pocket and stuck her hand in - nothing. She checked the other compartments, but came up empty with those as well. She balled up the jacket and threw it to the floor.

 _Damn it!_

Erin took a few deep breaths as she paced through the room with her hands on her hips. She sniffed back more tears. She just wanted a line. Just one quick line and then she would be alright. She'd be cool again.

But as Erin continued to pace around the room she soon realized she wouldn't be getting what she needed and the anger came quickly after the realization.

Things were thrown, whatever was in her reach. The lamp on the nightstand was the first to go. Then a framed picture of her and Camille. She shattered that against a wall. The desk chair was next. Then the nightstand.

Erin heard her name being shouted up the staircase. Jay. His heavy footsteps soon followed and then the bedroom door was flung open just as Erin slid down a wall to the floor. Her arms wrapped around her legs as she held them folded against her chest. Her chin rested on top of her knees and she sobbed while she rocked back and forth.

"Erin?" Jay said in a low voice. He didn't want to scare her.

He was careful as he walked towards her. He took cautious steps as he surveyed the room. There was glass all over. There was a hole in the closet door from the chair being thrown. There were broken pieces of wood scattered across the floor.

Jay took the final steps to reach Erin and sat down next to her. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her body into his. She fought against him, but he was too strong for her. She fell into his side and his arm tightened around her as his hand held her head underneath his chin.

"You found it," Erin muttered between cries.

Jay sighed. "We flushed it."

Erin shook her head and then lifted her face to look him in the eyes. "I just need a little bit, Jay. Please, just a little, I swear that's all I need and then I'll be okay. I'll be okay again. Please. Just give me a little."

Jay felt his eyes fill with his own tears and he shook his head. "I can't do that."

Erin clenched his shirt in her fists. She was desperate as she stared at him and her sobs didn't let up. "Please, Jay. I need it. Please."

Jay shook his head again as he looked at her and he felt his heart break at her brokenness. "No, baby, you don't need it. You don't need it."

Jay held her as she cried and Erin begged him again, and again for the white powder that would give her the release she thought she needed. The release that she was sure would make her feel whole again.

"I need it," she told him again.

Jay shook his head again as they sat there on the floor together, and he just held onto Erin until she cried herself to sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

Hey lovely readers! I'm back with another chapter for you. It's a bit on the long side, but hey, it's Friday and I'm feeling good. You may have noticed I changed the title of this fic. I think "Not Leaving Her" would have been fine had I chosen to keep this as a one shot. However, since it has turned into a multi-chapter fic and I've outlined most of what is going to happen with the story, I decided "Sober" would be a better title. I hope you stick with me on this. Enjoy the new chapter and please drop a review and let me know what you think. If you have any questions or things you'd like to see let me know that too. :)

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own or have any affiliation with Chicago PD, its characters, writers, cast or crew.

* * *

"Erin..."

The sound of Jay's voice woke her and she opened her eyes, disoriented and with a cramped neck. She looked up and saw him staring down at her. His eyes were almost grey and his face was blank, and then she remembered.

Erin turned her head and glanced around the room. The floor was littered with her destruction.

"I – "

She felt Jay's hand squeeze her shoulder. "It's okay."

"I...I just - "

"I'll clean it up," he told her.

She turned her head to look back at him. She had fresh tears in her eyes. "I'm sorry."

Jay shook his head. "Come on."

He removed his arm from around her and stood from the floor. He held his hand out to her. She took it and Jay helped her on her feet.

"Why don't you go take that shower? I've gotta check in with Voight and then I'll get this cleaned up."

Erin sniffed and looked away, dropping his hand. "I'm sorry, Jay."

"Erin," he said as he grabbed her hand once more. "It's okay."

She shook her head.

"Go take your shower. I'll be right here if you need anything."

Erin didn't say anything else as she dropped his hand and walked over to her suitcases. She unzipped the larger one and dug through it until she found a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt. She zipped the case back up and turned for the bathroom connected to the bedroom.

Jay sighed heavily when he heard the door to the bathroom close. He looked around the room and surveyed the damage again. Erin had been so angry. She still was and she was hurting and he didn't know how to help her. He took a deep breath to try and calm down as he pulled his phone from the front pocket of his jeans.

He dialed Voight and waited as it rang.

"Halstead?"

"Hey."

"What's wrong? I tried calling earlier. Is Erin okay?"

"Depends on your definition of okay. There was sort of an incident."

"What kind of incident?"

"Short version is I'm an idiot and stuck my foot in my mouth and she went searching for her stash that we flushed. Then she broke things. Her room looks like a grenade went off inside. I calmed her down and we fell asleep."

Jay heard the deep sigh on the other end of the phone. "She's alright though? She didn't hurt herself did she?"

"I don't think so. There's glass and pieces of furniture all over the place, but a part of me is thinking that's not exactly what you meant."

"You'd be right. Look, I'm finishing up at the district. I'll be home in about an hour. We'll talk some more. There are some things you should know."

"Alright. I'll see you then."

"And Jay?"

"Yeah?"

"Just keep an eye on her, will ya?"

"I will.

Jay ended the call and put his phone back in his pocket. He looked around the room again and his eyes landed on the closed bathroom door. He walked over to it and heard the shower running, but he reached for the handle anyway.

It was locked.

"Erin?"

No response.

"Erin?" He said louder this time.

When she still didn't respond Jay held up his fist and knocked it against the door.

"Erin!" He called.

Nothing.

Jay banged his fist against the door once more, harder. "Erin, open the door."

He was ready to kick it down when he heard the water stop running and then the door swung open a moment later. Erin stood in front of him, her hair dripping wet as it hung over her shoulders and with a towel wrapped around her waist.

"What?" She asked with a frightened look on her face.

"You're okay?"

"I was taking a shower."

Jay set his hands on his hips and met her eyes with his. "Just keep the door unlocked. Alright?"

Erin raised her eyebrows. "Don't trust me?"

He was quick to shake his head. "Not by yourself."

Erin's lips parted as if she was going to speak, but instead she swallowed a breath. She nodded once before she retreated back inside the bathroom and closed the door behind her.

Jay turned around to face the room again and shook his head and got to work.

Within twenty minutes the room was clear of debris. He sat on the bed staring at a photo in his hands when the bathroom door opened and Erin stepped out. He lifted his gaze to look at her and offered the smallest of smiles. Her hair was still damp as it fell past her shoulders. The dark circles under her eyes were a heavy contrast to her ivory skin.

Erin's face remained vacant of expression as she walked towards him and took a seat on the bed beside him. She kept her hands in her lap and glanced over at Jay. She noticed the photo from the frame she had thrown; the photo of herself and Camille Voight. They were both smiling, ear to ear, and Camille had both arms wrapped around Erin and their cheeks were pressed against one another's.

Erin's eyes burned again with a familiar sensation. She was so sick and tired of crying.

"You look happy here," Jay all, but whispered his eyes tore through hers.

Erin took a deep breath as she reached for the photo in his hands. Jay watched her face as she examined it with tired eyes and held it in one hand. He saw the hollow of her throat move as she swallowed hard.

"My sixteenth birthday. I'd been here a year. It was a Thursday, but Camille let me sleep in and called me out of school. She said a sixteenth birthday was supposed to be a big deal for every teenage girl. Justin and Voight had already left for the day. She made me chocolate chip pancakes. I remember she thought she was being cute because she put exactly sixteen chocolate chips in the batter, and one for good luck. I laughed at her and called her a dork, and then we spent the whole day together. After breakfast we went downtown. She spent so much money on me I was sure Voight was gonna flip out, but she laughed off my concern and said, 'Honey, you let me worry about that old grizzly bear.' Later that night Voight made my favorite for dinner – his lasagna, and then we ate birthday cake on the couch downstairs in the living room. That's where Camille and I are in the photo. Voight snapped it of us right before Justin smeared frosting all over my face."

Erin looked up at Jay with tear-filled eyes and tried her best to smile, but came up short. Jay reached over to hold her free hand and squeezed it in his as Erin held the photo in the other.

"That sounds like an amazing birthday," he said.

Erin nodded. "It was the best. Now people just get killed on my birthday."

"Erin – "

She shook her head and looked him right in the eyes. "Please don't tell me it's not my fault again."

Jay squeezed her hand. He wouldn't push her again, not yet. Not so soon after what had happened earlier. "You wanna go downstairs and watch a movie? We slept for a while. It's almost three in the afternoon. Voight should be back soon."

"Okay," Erin mumbled setting the photo down beside her on the bed.

Jay stood and pulled her with him, not letting go of her hand. He led her out into the hallway and down the stairs to the living room.

"You pick the movie. I'm gonna go get a drink. You want anything?"

"A beer would be great," she said.

Jay stared at her with sad grey eyes again.

Erin sighed. "Water's fine."

Jay kissed the side of her head and made his way into the kitchen while Erin dropped down into the plush sofa. She grabbed the remote from the end of the couch to surf through the channels as she sunk back into the cushions.

Jay returned a few minutes later with two bottles of water in hand. He set them down on the coffee table and then took a seat beside Erin.

"Find anything?" Jay asked.

"Pitch Perfect just started on HBO," she said pointing at the screen.

"Fine by me," he told her.

A few minutes into the movie Jay's phone vibrated in his pocket. Jay pulled out his phone and looked down at the screen.

It was a text message from Hank.

" _Leaving the district shortly. I'll be home soon. Everything okay?"_

Jay wrote back, _"_ Everything's fine. We're watching a movie. Talked to Erin a bit. You feel like making lasagna tonight?"

His phone buzzed again a minute later.

" _Sure. Need anything else while I'm out?"_

"Yeah, a birthday cake."

Jay sent the last message and then put his phone on the coffee table. He leaned back into the sofa and glanced at Erin. Her arms were crossed in front of her chest and her legs like a pretzel. He reached his arm out to her and she jumped when he squeezed her knee. He pulled his hand away.

"I didn't mean to scare you. I'm sorry."

Erin turned her head and met his eyes. "You just surprised me."

Jay nodded. He glanced at the television and then back at Erin. "You can relax around me you know?"

"I am relaxed."

His eyebrows rose. "Really? Because your body language says otherwise. It's just me Erin."

When she didn't say anything more Jay held his arm open. "Come here."

He could see the hesitation on her face and he waited until Erin finally moved. She uncrossed her limbs and scooted down the couch towards Jay. He pulled her into him so she could lie down and stretch out, and then wrapped his arm around her shoulder. His hand rested just at the sleeve cut-off of her t-shirt; he all, but flinched at the cool feel of her skin against his warm fingers.

"You're freezing," he said.

"Just the chills," Erin told him.

"How are you cold? I'm pretty sure Voight's got his damn thermostat set at like, eighty degrees."

She shrugged against him. "He's been through this with me before when I'm coming down from a high. I guess he just knows what to expect by now."

She didn't miss the sigh that came from Jay and she silently cursed herself for it. For even having mentioned anything about it at all. For ruining their tiny moment of normalcy.

Jay turned his body so that Erin lay almost on top of him and ran a hand over her back. "It scares me that you talk so carelessly about it. Like it's just some regular thing."

"Because it is. It's who I've always been," she said to him against his chest. Her eyes were on the television, but she couldn't focus on the movie.

"Who you are is not your past, Erin. This isn't you. You're struggling right now, yes, but we're gonna get you back. I promise you."

Erin shook her head against him. "You shouldn't make promises you can't keep."

Jay lifted his free hand and reached towards her to hold chin. His gentle grip on her forced Erin to look up at him and he saw the fresh tears in the corners of her eyes.

"I don't," he told her simply as he looked at her. He leaned down to place a kiss on her forehead and then grabbed the throw blanket that hung over the back of the couch. He covered Erin with it and draped his arm back around her to hold her against him. Erin held onto him by his shirt and Jay smiled when he felt her body finally relax against his. He gave her another soft squeeze and turned his attention to the movie on television.

Almost half an hour later Jay heard a key in the lock and then the front door was pushed open. He heard footsteps on the hardwood and glanced over the arm of the couch. Hank stood in the entryway with two bags in one of his hands.

Hank nodded in Jay's direction and stepped towards the couch. A small smile came over the older man's face when he saw Erin. "She asleep?"

Jay looked down at Erin. Her eyes were closed and he heard her slow breathing. He looked back at Hank.

"Yeah, I think so," Jay said in a low voice.

Hank nodded.

Jay glanced down at Erin once more and then looked back up at Hank. "This probably looks weird. I'll get up."

Hank held up his free hand. "Don't. She looks comfortable and she needs the rest so stay with her. I'll go get started in the kitchen."

Jay nodded and Hank walked out of the room. He turned his attention back to Erin. He moved a hand under the blanket and ran his fingers along her back in lazy patterns.

Soon enough, Jay had fallen asleep himself. He jumped awake when a hand grabbed his shoulder. He opened his eyes and saw Hank stood over him in front of the couch.

"Been out for a while there, Halstead. It's nearly five. Food's ready," Hank told him.

Jay nodded and looked down at the woman asleep on top of him. He moved a hand to her shoulder and gave her a gentle shake.

"Erin, wake up," he whispered.

He gave her another shake and felt her start to stir above him. He arched his neck to look at her face, and she blinked her eyes open a few times before she looked up at him.

"Hi," she mumbled into his chest.

"Hey. We passed out again," he told her.

She nodded against him. "I'm so tired."

"I know you are, but Voight's been home for a while and he's made an early dinner for us. Can you eat again for me? Please?"

Erin lifted her head from Jay's chest and looked at his face. "I'm not hungry."

Despite her answer, he smirked. "I think you'll have a change of mind once you see what he's got in the kitchen for you."

Erin looked at him with curious eyes and a single raised eyebrow. "Why's that?"

"You'll see," Jay told her with a smile still on his face.

Jay put his hand on Erin's back and lifted himself up into a sitting position on the couch, forcing her to do the same. They got up from the couch and Jay led her out of the living room and into the kitchen. He walked to the table and Erin followed with her arms crossed over her chest. Jay pulled a chair out for her and she sat down in the same place she sat earlier that morning. Jay made his way to the island to help Hank and a moment later the two were bringing things to the table.

Erin's eyes almost widened when she saw a large glass casserole dish filled with lasagna. She looked up at Jay and caught his eye, and he smirked at her again.

"Change your mind?" He teased.

"You made your lasagna?" Erin asked quietly as she turned to Hank who set down a glass of lemonade in front of her.

Hank gave a one shouldered shrug before he sat down across from Jay. He looked back at Erin. "It's still your favorite right? Halstead asked me to make it."

Erin snapped her head back to Jay at the revelation. "You did?"

Jay nodded as he scooped some of the food onto a plate for Erin and set it down in front of her.

"The only Italian food you like is a pie from a pizza parlor," Erin said looking at Jay.

Hank ate silently as he glanced between Erin and Jay. He hoped she wouldn't lash out again like this morning.

"If it gets you to eat we can have it every night for all I care," Jay said, his eyes on hers.

"Just how long do you plan on staying here exactly?" Erin asked him.

"However long it takes to get you back to being you," Jay replied. He handed a slice of garlic bread to her and she accepted it without question.

Erin's eyes lingered on Jay. She watched him for a few moments as he started eating, but didn't say another word; just picked up her fork.

It was quiet as the three ate. Erin could feel both Hank and Jay's eyes on her every so often, but she didn't meet either pair of their eyes as she took small bites of her food. The two men cleared their plates well before Erin even finished half of hers.

As she continued to eat Erin heard Hank clear his throat. She glanced up at him and saw his hands crossed together, resting on the table. He looked at her with an uncertain stare and a tight jaw. She somehow knew before he even spoke that she wouldn't like what he had to say.

"I'm gonna call Dr. Aldman tomorrow," Hank said to her.

Erin's eyes were wide as she looked at Hank. "Why?"

Hank sighed. "You know why, Erin."

Erin shook her head. "I haven't touched any coke since before Jay brought me here last night. I haven't had a single sip of alcohol. Not that I could if I wanted to because everything is locked up in this damn house and I've got Jay up my ass every single second. For god's sake, he nearly busted down my bathroom door this morning."

Hank looked over at Jay with a raised eyebrow.

"She was taking a shower. The door was locked. When she didn't answer I got nervous," Jay told him.

Hank nodded, accepting Jay's story and looked back at Erin who dropped her fork to her plate.

"I always lock the bathroom door when I'm taking a shower. It's a habit."

'Yeah, you've got a few of those," Hank said to her.

"That's not fair," Erin all, but whispered. She looked back down at her plate.

"Erin, you were itching for a fix this morning. Less than twenty-four hours after Jay brought you here. And when you couldn't get it, you lashed out and destroyed your room upstairs. Which tells me that you were using a lot more than just a line or two here and there. Jay and I will help you in any way we can and we want to help you, but there are just some things we can't do for you. I'm calling Dr. Aldman tomorrow. We'll get you set up with him and he'll help you get straight."

Erin shook her head, "I don't need to see him."

"Yes, you do. And you will," Hank said.

Jay watched on and kept his mouth shut.

Erin released a deep sigh and looked back up at Hank. Her eyes were filled with tears. Hank reached out a hand towards Erin and gave her arm a soft squeeze. "This is for your own good, Erin. It's the only way I know. You've gotta talk to someone and lay everything out. You can talk to Jay and I all you want, but you and I know both know that going to see the doc is the best thing for you right now."

Erin pulled her arm out of Hank's grasp and pushed back from the table, standing from her chair. "You can't make me."

She took quick steps out of the kitchen, arms swinging at her sides, and then she disappeared up the stairs.

Hank shook his head, irritated, and looked across the table at Jay. "What'd I tell you?"

Jay sighed. "It wouldn't be easy. You were right."

"Sometimes I wish I wasn't," Hank said in a gruff voice.

"She knows it's for the best. She just doesn't wanna admit it because then that means she's wrong again. And that? That she can't face right now."

Hank raised an eyebrow at Jay before a smile came over his face. "You're probably right about that. This isn't a short term thing though. I hope you understand that."

"I'm not – "

'You're not leaving her. Yeah, I got that the first time you said it. You're more than welcome to stay here. You can take Justin's old room; it's yours for as long as you want it."

Jay smiled. "Thank you, sir."

Hank waved him off. "None of that in this house. You can call me Hank. This ain't the district, Halstead. Relax."

Jay nodded and stood from the table as Hank did the same, and the two cleared the table.

"So," Jay started, "Who's Dr. Aldman and why doesn't Erin want to see him?"

"Dr. Aldman is a psychiatrist in Chicago. My wife and I took Erin to see him when she first came to live with us. He helped her with her addiction back then and gave her someone to talk to when she felt like she couldn't talk to me or Camille."

"That doesn't really answer the why part though," Jay said.

"Earlier today on the phone. I told you there were some things you should know."

Jay nodded.

Hank sighed. "A couple weeks after Erin first came to live here, she relapsed into some H. Hard. Almost overdosed. A day later she did it again. Intentionally. Was in the hospital a week and on a suicide watch for seventy-two hours."

Jay ran a hand over his face. "She tried to kill herself?"

Hank nodded. "You know very few things make me crack, Jay. But the demons she's faced, the things she's gone through, and the poison that Bunny has probably been filling her head with the last few weeks makes me nervous. I love Erin like she's own my kid. I'd go to hell and back for her – and I have, but Nadia's death, and how she's dealing with that? It scares the hell outta me."

Jay took a deep breath, keeping his eyes on Hank. "Then we keep doing what we're doing and we get her to this doctor. We'll get her back."

"I sure hope so," Hank said, before he raised an eyebrow and pointed to the island. "What's with the birthday cake by the way?"

Jay turned and saw a small circular cake in a see-through box. It had white frosting and purple flowers on it and Jay couldn't help the sad smile that formed on his face.

"Earlier today after she got out of the shower, Erin told me about her sixteenth birthday. How she spent the whole day with your wife and then you made her favorite dinner and you ate birthday cake in the living room. She said it was her favorite birthday."

Hank smiled as the memory came back to him. "Yeah, that was a good one."

"I just, I wanted to – I don't know. I just thought it would make her smile again. A real smile. I thought it would make her happy again," Jay said.

"You're a good man, Jay," Hank began, pointing to the cake again. "Listen, I'll finish up down here. Why don't you bring her a slice? I'd do it, but I think she might hate me right now."

"It might seem that way, but Erin loves you. I know that for a fact," Jay told him.

Hank smiled and got to work on cleaning up while Jay got a slice of cake for Erin. He carried it upstairs and saw Erin's door was closed. He approached it and tried the handle – it was locked. He knocked once, but she didn't reply.

"Erin?"

"Please go away," he heard her call out.

"You know I can't do that. Can you please open the door for me?"

"I don't want to talk. Go away."

"We don't have to talk. That's fine, but I brought you something. Please, open the door. Let me in, Erin."

A minute later the lock turned over. Jay reached for the handle and pushed the door open. He saw Erin sitting on the bed. She was leant against the headboard and her knees were pulled up to her chest. Jay walked to the bed and set the plate down next to her before he took a seat at the end of the bed.

"Birthday cake?" she whispered.

Jay nodded. "Birthday cake."

Erin offered a weak smile, knowing what he was trying to do. She mumbled a quiet thank you and reached for the fork to pull a small bite into her mouth. She ate silently again, not looking at him. When she finished the small piece of cake Jay took the dishes from her and stood from the bed. He wanted to stay with her, but he walked away towards the door.

"Jay?"

He turned around at the sound of her voice. "Yeah?"

"I'm scared," she told him.

Her voice was lower than a whisper and her eyes were filled with tears. Jay set the dishes down on top of the dresser and took the few steps back to her bed. He pulled her to her feet and wrapped his arms around her shoulders. He held her tight against his chest while her arms hung limp at her sides. Then he felt her tears through the front of his shirt. Jay tried to console her. He hushed her and hugged her tight, but Erin only seemed to cry harder. As if everything was finally beginning to hit her full force.

"It's gonna be okay, Erin," Jay whispered into her hair.

He felt her arms move up and she gripped his t-shirt on either side of his waist. She seemed to hold on for dear life as she sobbed in his embrace. He felt her body go completely lax, as if she was literally shutting down, but Jay managed just fine to keep her held up. He kept one arm around her back and moved his other hand through her hair to the back of her neck.

He kissed her hair and squeezed her once more before whispering again. "It's gonna be okay."


	4. Chapter 4

Hello! Here is another chapter for you wonderful people. I'm seriously so blown away by how much everyone seems to enjoy this story. For those wondering about "Love Lives On," I got a bit hung up over the weekend while writing it, but the new chapter will be posted by Wednesday. I hope you all like this new chapter. Please let me know what you think. Enjoy!

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own or have any affiliation with Chicago PD, its characters, writers, cast or crew.

* * *

 _They were close. Erin could hear them. Twigs snapped and the rocks beneath her feet crunched against the earth as she walked slowly. She saw the two of them as she stepped out from behind the brush. He held her by a fistful of hair twisted in his hand and had a knife to her throat. He pressed the knife closer against her olive skin. Erin opened her mouth to speak, but found that no words came out._

" _Erin! Erin, help me!"_

 _She attempted to speak again, but couldn't so she tried to take a step forward – her feet wouldn't budge._

" _Please, I'm scared."_

 _She saw the young woman's tears and heard her beg for help, but Erin couldn't move. Her body wouldn't let her._

" _He's gonna hurt me, Erin…He's gonna kill me."_

 _Erin tried to reach for the gun on her hip, but her arms stayed in place at her sides. Why couldn't she move?_

" _Why won't you help me, Erin?"_

" _Why didn't you help me?"_

" _Why didn't you save me?"_

Erin woke, startled and breathing heavy with tears in her eyes. Her heartbeat reverberated against her ribcage like the wings of a hummingbird as she sat up and took in her surroundings. The room was mostly dark; she guessed it was sometime in the middle of the night. As she sat up fully to lean against the headboard, Erin felt an arm fall from her waist. She looked to her right to see Jay still sound asleep beside to her. Erin ran a shaking hand through her hair and took several deep breaths. She looked over at Jay once more. She didn't want to wake him and bother him so she quickly got up from the bed.

She walked to the dresser and picked up her cell phone to check the time, but it was off – she forgot to charge it. She set the phone back down and reached for her boots on the floor. She pulled them on and grabbed her jacket. She picked up the small plate and the fork from earlier – before her and Jay had fallen asleep, deciding to bring them to the kitchen. She turned back to glance at Jay; he was snoring lightly from the bed so Erin slipped out of the bedroom quietly. She made her way downstairs and put the dishes in the kitchen sink before she walked to the front door.

"Going somewhere?"

She nearly jumped out of her skin at the sound of a gruff voice. She turned around and saw Hank's shadow in an armchair in the living room.

"Jesus Christ. What are you doing sitting in the dark?"

Hank switched on a nearby lamp and then turned his attention back to her. "Waiting for you. I figured it'd only be a matter of time before you tried to run outta here. Going for a fix?"

Erin rolled her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest. "I'm going outside to smoke a cigarette. Not that it's any of your business."

Hank raised an eyebrow at her. "Since when do you smoke?"

"I've gotta do something to calm my nerves. Can I go now or do you wanna put a leash on me first?"

Hank stood from the chair and walked towards her. She dropped her arms and took a step back instinctively, but it didn't stop Hank as he moved towards her again. He reached for her jacket before she could do anything and stuck a hand in each pocket. He found what he was looking for and pulled the small cardboard box of cigarettes out of her side.

"What are you doing?" She asked him.

He pulled a single cigarette from the box and then set the box on the coffee table. "I go out with you, or you don't go out at all."

Erin sighed, staring at him with hard eyes as he held the cigarette out to her.

Hank chuckled. "You've been giving me that look for over fifteen years, kid. Didn't do anything then. Still doesn't now."

Erin rolled her eyes again before she grabbed the cigarette from between his fingers. She turned on her heel and walked to the front door and turned the lock. When she went to pull the door open, it wouldn't budge. She tried again, but it still wouldn't open.

"Let me," Hank said as he stepped forward. She moved to the side and watched as he pulled a single key from his chest pocket. He reached up and that's when Erin saw the reversed deadbolt at the top of the door.

She scoffed. "Are you kidding me?"

Hank turned the lock and slipped the key back into his pocket. He opened the door and turned to face her. "Do I look like I'm kidding?"

She ignored him and stepped around him out onto the front porch. She took a seat in a wicker chair and reached for the lighter in her jacket pocket. She pulled the cigarette in between her lips and lit it, breathing in a long drag.

She looked to her left and saw Hank leaning against the porch banister with his arms crossed over his chest. His eyes were on her, but he was silent.

"What?" She asked him, taking another drag.

Hank shook his head. "Nothing."

"You have nothing to say? There's a first."

Hank sighed heavily. "Erin, you can give me an attitude all you want. You can hate me, but you're still going to see Dr. Aldman whether you like it or not. You need help."

She snickered. "I don't need help. I was doing just fine on my own."

"You were fine? You were fine getting drunk every night? Snorting some blow? Hitting rock bottom, again? Really?"

Erin shook her head and looked away from him. "I can stop on my own."

Hank sighed. "I've heard that before. Several times, actually. In fact, I specifically remember you saying those exact same words to me fifteen years ago. The day before you relapsed and almost died. But you can stop on your own, right?"

"It's not like that, Hank," she spoke quietly while looking at the porch floor. She took another drag from the cigarette between her fingers.

"I've heard that before, too," Hank said to her.

"What do you want from me, huh?" Erin asked as she lifted her eyes up to meet his.

"I want you to admit you need help."

"But I don't. I shouldn't have left with him the other night – Jay. I should have just told him to screw off."

"Jay cares about you, Erin. He wants to help you just like I do."

She shook her head. "He's just wasting his time. You both are. I'm fine."

"No, you're not, Erin," Hank sighed. He stepped forward and sat down next to her in a matching wicker chair.

Erin looked away from him as she took one last puff of her cigarette and put it out. She stood and flicked the butt from the porch, and watched as it landed on the sidewalk. She turned around and sat back down.

"Wanna go back inside?" Hank asked her.

She shook her head. "Can I just sit here for a few minutes?"

"Sure," he told her.

"What time is it anyways?" Erin asked him.

Hank glanced at his watch. "Nearly midnight. Why?"

Erin shrugged. "Woke up and it was dark. My phone's dead."

"Halstead still asleep?" Hank asked her.

"How'd you know?"

"I went up to check on you. You were both passed out."

"I'm surprised you didn't pull him out of the bed. You and your rules."

"I trust him. I know his intentions."

Erin let out a short laugh. "Kind of funny how you realize that after we ended whatever it was we had going between us."

Hank shrugged. "It's not like you can't start it up again later down the road."

Erin snapped her head to look at him and raised her eyebrows.

"What? Jay's a good man, Erin. He'd be good for you. He is good for you."

Erin shook her head. "Jay and I were a mistake. I never should have let it happen."

Hank kept his eyes on her though she didn't look at him. "You really believe that?"

Erin nodded before she stood on her feet. "I'm going inside. I'll sleep on the couch."

"Erin – "

"Goodnight."

Hank sighed as she walked to the door and stepped inside. He followed her inside a moment later and locked up behind him.

Hank saw her on the couch just as she'd said with a blanket covering her. He walked into the living room and turned off the lamp before he walked over to her. He knew she wasn't sleeping even though her eyes were closed.

He leaned down and kissed the top of her head. "Love you, kid."

Erin opened her eyes and watched Hank disappear from the living room. Only when she heard his footsteps on the stairs did she let her tears finally fall.

When Erin woke the next morning she headed straight for the kitchen where she saw Hank and Jay already sat at the table. They both offered Erin their individual greetings, but all they received in return was a short nod. She walked to the coffee maker on the counter and filled a mug before she dropped a slice of bread into the toaster. She knew the men sat behind her would be on her about eating; she figured she'd dodge the bullet.

When the bread popped up a couple minutes later she plucked it from the toaster and dropped it onto a small plate. She kept the toast dry and carried the plate, along with her coffee, over to the table and sat down. She sipped from her mug and took a few small bites of her toast. She stayed silent even though she felt Hank and Jay's eyes on her, but she kept her own eyes down, not looking at either of them.

"That's all you're going to eat?" Jay asked her a moment of silence later.

Erin looked up at him just as he pushed a small bowl of mixed fruit towards her. She stared at it before she lifted her eyes back to his. He had a small smile – a hopeful smile on his face, but she pushed the bowl away and pulled her eyes from his. She finished the rest of her toast on her plate and then sipped on the remainder of her coffee. Hank watched on in silence, glancing between Jay and Erin and the newspaper in his hands.

"Erin?

She looked up at Jay. "What?"

"Please eat something other than toast for breakfast," he said to her. He slid the fruit bowl back towards her.

Erin shook her head. "I'm fine."

"Erin, please," Jay pleaded.

"I said I'm fine. I'm not that hungry," Erin told him again.

She heard the sigh that slipped past his lips and then he stood from his chair and walked towards her. Jay knew she was annoyed, but he pushed the bowl back in front of her anyway and looked down at her.

"Please, eat," he said to her.

"What part of, 'I'm not that hungry' did you not understand?"

"Erin, you've gotta eat more than a piece of bread. Please, just a little bit-"

"I said no, God damn it!" She pushed the bowl away again, hard. It slid over the edge of the table and fell to the floor and shattered, causing a mess.

Erin stood from her chair and tried to walk away, but Jay grabbed her wrist before she could get too far.

"Erin, wait – "

She whipped around and pulled her arm from his grasp. "Why can't you just leave me the hell alone? Okay, go home. Go to work. Go anywhere! Just stay away from me. I don't need you here!"

Erin ignored the hurt look on Jay's face, and hurried out of the kitchen and up the stairs. He turned around and was met with Hank's gaze.

"I'm sorry," Jay sighed.

"Why are you sorry? You didn't break the bowl," Hank said to him glancing back at his newspaper.

"You're not at all concerned about what just happened?" Jay asked him.

"I told you, Halstead. I've been here before."

Jay shook his head. "She's so angry. It scares me."

"It's more than that. She wants some coke and she can't have any. It's like telling a two year old they can't have any ice cream before dinner. What usually happens?"

"They throw a fit."

Hank nodded. "Exactly. Trust me. The first week is the hardest. By the second, she'll hopefully be calm enough for a visit to the doc."

"You think so?" Jay asked.

Hank shrugged. "I hope. I really don't feel like having to replace all of my dishes."

"I really hope you're right," Jay said as he began to clean up the mess on the floor. He dumped the shards of glass and wasted fruit into the trashcan, washed his hands, and then sat back down at the table.

"I should get going," Hank said after glancing at his watch. "Will you be alright?"

Jay nodded. "How are we gonna make this work exactly?"

"What do you mean?" Hank asked as Jay followed him to the front door.

"With the unit. I know I'm not going to be able to stay here with her forever," Jay said.

Hank turned to face him. "You let me worry about that. For now, you're on furlough. I'll bring up Burgess and Roman to replace you and Erin for the time being."

"You really think she'll come back?" Jay asked him.

Hank shrugged. "I sure hope so." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a key and then handed it to Jay.

"What's this for?" Jay asked taking the key.

Hank turned and pointed to the top of the door. "Reverse deadbolt. That's your copy. She wants to go outside, smoke, or whatever, you go with her. No if's, and's or but's. Got it?"

Jay nodded. "You're really okay with her smoking?"

"Of course I'm not, but it's the least of my concerns with everything else going with her at the moment, wouldn't you agree?"

Jay shrugged. "I guess if I had to choose I'd rather her be a smoker then snorting coke."

Hank clapped a hand over Jay's shoulder. "Remember, liquor cabinet stays locked. As does the new deadbolt. I'll try to be home early again tonight. Call if you need anything."

Jay nodded and said goodbye, and then Hank was out the door. Jay locked the new deadbolt and dropped the key into the front pocket of his jeans. He debated checking on Erin before finally deciding against it. He'd give her time to cool off.

The day ended up passing by in agonizing torture for Jay. He had attempted to speak with Erin several times. He offered her lunch and invited her to watch another movie with him like the day before, but she just shot him down each time.

When Hank entered the house a little after four o'clock later that afternoon, he saw Jay sitting on the couch watching television.

"She upstairs?" Hank asked as he walked into the living room.

Jay nodded. "Been up there all day. I must have really pissed her off this morning. She didn't eat lunch – said she wasn't hungry. She refused to come out of her room. She was kind enough however, to keep the bedroom door unlocked, but that was only after calling me an annoying bastard."

"She spoke to you though. That's a good sign," Hank told him.

Jay turned around with a raised eyebrow and saw the smirk on his sergeant's face. "That's not funny."

"Hey, I was being serious," Hank told him taking a seat in the armchair. "Ya feel like pizza tonight?"

Jay nodded. "Can you keep an eye on her so I can take a shower?"

"Yeah, of course," Hank told him.

Jay thanked him before he retreated up the stairs. Hank got up from the chair and made his way into the kitchen. He pulled out a menu from a drawer and then reached for the phone just as Erin entered the room.

He placed the phone back down on the counter and offered her a small smile. "Hey, kid."

Erin nodded at him before she sat down on one of the stools at the island and turned to face him. She had her lower lip pulled between her teeth and her leg was shaking.

"Can I talk to you?"

"You know you can always talk to me. What is it?" Hank asked her as he reached out to grab one of her hands. She was making him nervous.

Erin took a deep breath, her eyes not meeting his. "I'll go and see Dr. Aldman."

Hank raised his eyebrows at her, staring at her for a few silent moments. When she didn't meet his gaze, he knew it wasn't going to be that simple.

"What's the catch?" He asked as he released her hand. He stepped closer towards her and took a seat on a stool beside her.

Erin looked up at him, her eyes on his now. She took another quick breath. "I want Jay to leave. You get him out of here, and I'll talk to Dr. Aldman. I'll go to therapy. I'll do whatever you want. Just make Jay leave."


	5. Chapter 5

Hey peeps. Here's another chapter for you! Hope you like it. Drop a review and let me know what you think! Enjoy!

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own or have any affiliation with Chicago PD, its characters, writers, cast or crew.

* * *

 _Erin took a deep breath, her eyes not meeting his. "I'll go and see Dr. Aldman."_

 _Hank raised his eyebrows at her, staring at her for a few silent moments. When she didn't meet his gaze, he knew it wasn't going to be that simple._

" _What's the catch?" He asked as he released her hand. He stepped closer towards her and took a seat on a stool beside her._

 _Erin looked up at him, her eyes on his now. She took another quick breath. "I want Jay to leave. You get him out of here, and I'll talk to Dr. Aldman. I'll go to therapy. I'll do whatever you want. Just make Jay leave."_

"You're serious?" Hank asked.

Erin nodded. "I don't want him to be a part of this. He's wasting his time worrying about me when I'm sure he has other things to be concerned about. I don't want him involved."

Hank let out a deep sigh and ran his hand over the front of his face. "Erin, he's already involved. He's in this just as much as I am, kid."

"Then take him out of it."

Hank sighed. "You know I can't do that."

"Please? Just tell him to leave."

"Erin, Halstead is going to worry about you whether he's around or not. And whether you or I like it or not kid, that guy loves you and he sure as hell cares about what happens to you. I see it every time he looks at you. I will not tell him to leave and you will not ask me to again."

Hank stood to grab the menu for a local pizza place and then reached for the phone. He turned to Erin. "What kinda pizza do you want? You will be eating."

Before Erin could reply she heard Jay's voice. "She likes Hawaiian. Extra pineapple."

Erin turned on the stool and saw Jay stood in the doorway with his arms crossed over his chest. He had an unreadable expression in his eyes and Erin felt her heart drop in her chest because she knew that he had just heard her conversation with Voight. They stared at one another for a few moments, and then Jay let his arms fall to his sides before he stepped fully into the kitchen. Jay made his way to the table while Erin stood to leave the room. Hank took several quick steps towards her and placed his hand on her shoulder.

"Sit down at the table, Erin," he told her.

Erin shrugged his hand off and turned to leave again, but Hank's hand stopped her once more. "Go and sit down."

She faced him and eyeballed him with a hard stare. He delivered one right back to her. "I said, sit down. Now."

Erin sighed and walked to the table with Hank following behind her. She knew better than to test what little was left of his patience, and so she sat at the opposite end of the table from Jay while Hank sat in between them.

"Before I order dinner we're gonna have a little chat, aright?" Hank said looking between them.

Neither Jay nor Erin uttered a word. Erin rested her head over her crossed arms on the table. She kept her eyes down, but snuck a glance at Jay – he wouldn't look at her and the guilt she felt was close to unbearable. Jay sat with his hands in his lap as he kept his eyes on Hank.

"First of all, Jay isn't going anywhere. Let's get that straight right now. Erin, you will be going to see Dr. Aldman. I called his office today while I was at the district. You're seeing him in two weeks. I tried to get ya in sooner, but he's booked up with other patients."

Erin scoffed with a quick roll of her eyes. "What a shame."

Hank turned towards her, a far-from-amused glare in his eyes. "No, it'd be a real shame if I just said the hell with all of it and took you to a hospital right now. Is that what you want? You wanna be admitted? Be tied down to a bed, on suicide watch again? Be poked and prodded all hours of the night? Not get any real sleep? Get that sympathetic look from everyone that you meet inside? If that's what you want, you just say the word and I'll drive you there right now."

Erin kept her head down and wouldn't look at him. Jay sat quietly in his chair glancing between the woman at the end of the table and his boss sitting next to him.

"Well?" Hank pressed. The volume of is voice grew louder.

Erin stayed silent, ignoring him, but it only further intensified the situation. Hank dropped his hand down to the surface of the table with a hard slap causing Erin to look up at him.

"What do you want, Erin?"

She jumped at the harsh sound of his voice and felt the tears in her eyes.

"I don't wanna go to the hospital," she all, but whispered.

"I can't hear you if you're gonna talk like a child, Erin," Hank said to her.

The tears stung her eyes, but Erin refused to let them fall.

"I don't want to go to the hospital," she spoke louder this time and Hank nodded.

"Then when the food gets here you'll eat, and when it's time to go see the doc you're not gonna give me an attitude about it. Is that understood?"

Erin swallowed a lump in her throat. "Yes sir."

"Good," Hank said before he turned to face Jay, "Are you alright with Hawaiian?"

Jay nodded and Hank stood from the table to walk back to the island. He picked up the menu, and then the phone and dialed.

Erin sat silently in her seat. Her eyes stayed down even though she could feel Jay staring at her. She dropped her head to rest it on top of her arms again.

Jay kept his eyes on her from across the table. He needed to talk to her, to comfort her somehow. He stood from his seat and walked over to her. Erin side-eyed Jay as he approached her, but she wouldn't meet his eyes.

"Erin, I –"

Erin wouldn't hear him though. She pushed her chair out, causing it to squeak obnoxiously against the floor and stood up. She turned to Hank before she reached the hallway just as he hung up the phone. "Call me when the food is here."

Then she walked out of the room and went upstairs. Jay let out a frustrated sigh before he turned around and walked towards Hank. He looked at him with a single raised eyebrow and crossed his arms over his chest.

"What?" Hank asked.

"You don't think maybe you were a little harsh on her?"

"Tough love, Halstead."

Jay shrugged. "I guess."

Hank noticed Jay's shifty gaze and the way he chewed on his lip. "What is it Jay?"

Jay looked at him and hesitated, releasing another deep sigh. "I'll do it."

"You'll do what?" Hank asked him.

"I'll leave. If it gets Erin to see this doctor willingly, then I'll go."

Hank shook his head. "I meant what I said before, Jay. You don't have to go anywhere."

"But if it helps her and gets her to see this guy without putting up a fight then it would be worth it."

It was Hank who sighed then. "Jay –"

"You were right when you said I love her, Voight. I do, but if my being here is causing her more harm than good, then I'll go. Not happily, but I'll be fine knowing she's getting the help she needs."

"You really don't have to do this," Hank told him.

"I know, but maybe it's for the best. She clearly doesn't want me around; all I seem to be doing is smothering her and pissing her off."

"You're sure about this?"

Jay shook his head. "No, but I don't think I've got much of a choice."

"Of course you do, Halstead. You don't have to leave. Honestly, I don't think she wants you to either. It's probably just a ploy of some kind."

"Well, even if it is can you just, keep me updated? Please? With whatever happens."

"You know I will," Hank told him.

"I'm uh, I'll grab my bag from upstairs and then I'll get out of here."

Hank nodded, but didn't say anything. He just followed Jay with his eyes as he left the kitchen to head upstairs. Jay quickly grabbed his duffel bag and slung it over his shoulder, and then walked out of the room. He made his way back down the hall and paused in front of Erin's closed door. He stood there quietly.

Jay could hear her sniffling through the door and wanted, more than anything, to rush in and pull her into his arms, but he didn't. He raised a closed fist and almost knocked, but thought twice of it and pulled his hand back. He had to remind himself that Erin didn't want him there.

Jay felt a twist in his gut then, a feeling he had felt long ago when a little boy named Ben Corson was murdered. Jay had felt just as helpless then, if not more now, and tears formed in his eyes as he stared at the closed door in front of him. He had just wanted to help her. To be there for her. Why wouldn't she let him?

Jay swallowed a large lump in his throat and turned around. He couldn't do any more here. He looked back at the closed door behind him and allowed his eyes to linger. He sighed quietly before he walked back downstairs.

When he neared the bottom, he saw Hank at the front door paying a delivery guy. Hank closed the front door and tipped his head at Jay. He followed Hank into the kitchen.

"You gonna stay and eat?" Hank asked him as he set the two pies on the counter.

Jay shook his head. "I think it's best if I just go now."

Hank nodded, seeing the look on Jay's face and the tears in his eyes, but he stayed silent on it.

"Well, I'll see ya at the district then," Hank told him.

"What about Erin?" Jay asked.

"I'll figure it out. I'm sure Trudy wouldn't mind the time off," Hank said.

Jay sighed. "I'm sorry if I'm screwing things up here. I was supposed to stay here and look after her, and – "

Hank waved him off. "It's fine, Halstead. Don't worry about it."

"But – "

"Jay. Stop. You've done more than enough and I'm grateful. Don't beat yourself up about this."

'You promise you'll keep me in the loop?" Jay asked him, adjusting the duffel on his shoulder.

Hank extended his arm. "You have my word."

Jay nodded and reached a hand out to shake Hank's. "Thanks."

"I'll see ya tomorrow," Hank told him.

Jay nodded once more and then he was gone.

Hank let out a heavy sigh. This wasn't how things were supposed to go. He shook his head and left the kitchen to stand at the bottom of the stairs.

"Erin, food's here!" Hank called up the stairs. He waited at the bottom of the staircase and when Erin emerged a few minutes later he made his way back into the kitchen.

Erin followed a moment later and sat down at the table. Hank plated a slice of pizza for her and one for himself before he walked over to join her. He placed the plate down in front of her and took a seat in a chair close by.

Erin stared at the food in front of her with an almost disgusted look on her face. When she lifted her eyes to glance at Hank, he was already looking at her expectantly. Erin swallowed hard before she reached for the plate and picked up the slice. She brought it up to her face and took a bite, chewing slowly as Hank started on his.

A few minutes passed in silence before Erin glanced around the kitchen and noticed something – or someone rather, was missing.

"Halstead not eating with us?" She asked.

Hank's hands stopped mid-air just as he was about to take another bite of his food. He looked over at Erin and sighed. "Jay left."

Her mouth dropped open. "What?"

"You got what you wanted. He left. Now eat up," Hank said again before biting into his pizza. He kept his eyes on Erin while he chewed, but she had already looked away.

Erin could feel the tears returning and she swallowed hard again before she reached for her pizza. She chewed slowly, feeling the guilt settle in her chest. She knew she had to eat or face another confrontation with Voight, but at that moment all Erin wanted to do was throw up the bile she felt in her throat and cry herself to sleep again.

 **XXX**

The following morning Erin was woken by Hank shaking her shoulder.

"What?" She groaned into her pillow.

"Get up, get dressed, and get downstairs to eat some breakfast. We're leaving in twenty minutes."

She lifted her head with half-closed eyes. "What?"

"Now, Erin!" Hank called out to her as he left the bedroom.

She groaned again and forced herself to roll onto her back to sit up. She blinked against the light that came through the blinds, but got up from the bed and stood on her feet. She was too tired and she figured it was too early to start a fight.

When she got downstairs Erin found Hank in the kitchen. He was standing by the island with a cup of coffee in one hand and reading the newspaper on the counter with the other.

"Coffee's fresh and there's a plate on the table for ya," Hank said without looking at her.

She groaned again. "There is no way I'm putting anything in my stomach. It's too early. I'm tired and wanna go back to bed. Why am I even up right now?"

"Stop complaining and eat your breakfast. You're coming to the district with me today," Hank told her, his eyes still buried in the newspaper.

Erin let out a loud laugh and Hank looked up. "I am not going to the district. Good try though, really."

Hank stared after her as she made up a cup of coffee. "I guessed I missed the part where I had given you a choice."

Erin turned around and faced him. "The absolute last place I wanna be right now, besides here, is at the district. Can't you just find another babysitter?"

"Well, I had one, but you ran him out of here," Hank snapped.

Erin swallowed; the guilt was returning, and she stared at Hank with empty eyes. "What am I supposed to do at the district all day, huh?"

Hank shrugged his shoulders. "Beats me. Read a book, sleep in my office. You think just because Halstead's left this house that it's gonna deter me and I'm gonna leave you here alone? You've got another thing coming, kid. Now, eat your breakfast."

Erin sighed, rolling her eyes and walked over to the table to sit down.

A half an hour later, the two of them entered the district. Erin could feel everyone's eyes on her as she followed Hank up the short staircase to the gate. He buzzed them in and when the pair reached the Intelligence Unit's floor and entered the bullpen, the staring only got worse. Each member of the unit looked on, following Erin with their eyes as she walked through the pen to Hank's office.

Erin's eyes had immediately found Jay's as soon as they entered the room. Her gaze lingered on his for just a second before she looked away and continued through the room.

Kim quickly stood from her desk – the one that had been occupied by Erin, and walked towards her with a smile. "Hey, Lindsay. How are you?"

Erin had force back an eye roll. She didn't want to make small talk, she just wanted to sleep.

"Peachy," came her reply along with a forced smile and then she turned away. She entered Hank's office, slamming the door shut behind her.

Everyone turned to face Hank.

"I pissed her off. What's new?" Hank shrugged. No one said another word as they all sat down at their desks and got back to work.

Jay stepped towards Hank with his arms crossed in front of him. "What's going on, Serg?"

"Trudy's on leave for a week with that Mouch guy from 51, so Erin's gonna be hanging out around here until they get back from wherever they went."

Jay nodded once before he glanced at Hank's office and then back to Hank himself. "Did she eat this morning?"

Hank shrugged his shoulders again. "She ate enough."

Jay nodded before he took a seat at his desk and got to work.

When noon hit, everyone in the pen stepped out to grab lunch. Kim stayed behind, wanting to finish her last piece of paperwork. Jay stood from his desk just as Hank came out of his office, closing the door quietly behind him.

"Ready for lunch?" Jay asked him.

Hank shook his head. "Erin's still passed out. You go. I'll grab something later."

"Serg, I'll be here anyway. Go get some food. I'll keep an eye on Lindsay."

Hank turned to face Kim as she looked at him from her desk chair. "What about you?"

"Adam is bringing me back something," Kim told him.

"You sure you can handle it?" Hank asked.

Kim smirked. "I won't poke the bear. I learned my lesson this morning."

Jay and Hank both smiled at her, and Hank thanked her before he and Jay left the bullpen.

Thirty minutes later everyone had returned from their lunch break, sans Jay who was parking the car. Hank had just walked in and went to his office.

He reemerged seconds later. "Where's Erin?"

"She's not in there?" Kim asked him, pointing to his office.

Hank shook his head.

Jay had just come up the steps from downstairs and looked at Hank. "Who's not where?"

"Erin's gone," Hank said looking across the pen at Jay.

"I swear she was just in there sleeping," Kim said.

"Did you leave the room at all? Go anywhere?" Jay asked walking closer towards her and Hank.

Kim nodded. "To the file room a little bit ago, but I was only gone a few minutes. I peeked in through the door. She was still sleeping, snoring even."

"Erin doesn't snore," Jay and Hank spoke at the same time and locked eyes with one another.

They shared a look of concern before Hank spoke. "Burgess and Ruzek, go search the locker rooms and bathrooms. Mouse, check the security cameras in and out of the building, now."

Kim and Adam nodded and exited the bullpen quickly while Mouse sat down in Jay's chair.

"You're sure you can access the footage from my computer?" Jay asked as he stood behind Mouse to peek over his shoulder.

Mouse turned half-way around in the chair and raised his eyebrows at his friend and colleague.

Jay shook his head. "Yeah, stupid question. Do your thing, man."

"That's what I thought," Mouse muttered before he turned back to the computer screen.

A minute later Kim and Adam returned to the pen.

"Anything?" Hank asked the pair.

Adam shook his head as he and Kim approached him; Kim had a deep frown on her face. "I'm sorry, Serg."

Hank raised a hand to Kim's shoulder and gave it a soft squeeze. "This ain't on you, alright? It's not your fault she slipped out."

Kim nodded.

"Got her!" Mouse announced.

"Where?" Hank asked, turning to face him.

"She went down the back stairwell from the bathroom hallway. Left through the garage entrance," Mouse explained.

"Which direction?" Jay asked.

"Can't tell, hang on. I'm checking the street," Mouse told him.

Another moment later he announced, "She crossed the street and jumped in a cab. Taxi number 7532. Yellow Cab logo on the door."

"How long ago, Mouse?" Jay asked.

Mouse looked at the screen and then back up at Jay. "About twenty-five minutes."

"Damn it! She could be anywhere in the city," Jay yelled, running a hand over the back of his head.

Hank walked up to him and clapped a hand over his shoulder. "Relax, Halstead. We'll find her."

Jay nodded, but turned around to face Mouse once more. "What about her cell phone?"

He shook his head. "I checked the G.P.S. already. Phone's turned off. Can't track her until she turns it on."

"She's pissed, but she's not stupid," Jay muttered, shaking his head.

"Alright, someone find that taxi driver. Now. Mouse, keep an eye on her phone, " Hank said.

Mouse nodded and everyone went their separate ways to try and find Erin while Jay stepped back and disappeared into the break room. Hank followed after him.

When Jay saw Hank enter the room he shook his head. "I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault she left. Ya hear me? She's pissed at a lot of people. Don't blame yourself."

"But if I would have just – "

"Jay, this isn't your fault," Hank told him once more.

They were interrupted when Adam ran into the room. "Just got off the phone with the cab company and spoke to the driver. He remembered her, said she was crying the whole ride. Dropped her off a few blocks north of South Indiana on Wabash Avenue."

Hank and Jay looked at one another and then it clicked.

"She's at – "

"Your house," Jay finished as they walked out of the break room and back into the pen.

"Halstead, with me," Hank said. He reached into his pocket and took a key off the ring, and then handed it to Alvin. "You and Dawson go to Erin's apartment. Check it out and sit on it until I say otherwise. The rest of you stay here."

Fifteen minutes later Hank pulled up outside his house. He and Jay got out of the car and ran to the front door. Jay reached for the handle.

"It's unlocked," he said quietly as he stepped back.

Hank nodded and entered through the door first; Jay followed behind him.

"I'll check upstairs," Jay offered.

"Alright," Hank said.

They went their separate ways. Hank swept through each room on the first floor and the basement while Jay disappeared upstairs. He came back down a few minutes later.

"Anything?" Hank asked.

"Her suitcases are gone, Hank," Jay told him.

Hank pulled out his cell phone from his jacket pocket and dialed Antonio's phone.

"Dawson, what do you got?" Hank said into the phone.

" _Not a whole lot. We checked inside. Nothing seemed out of place. Don't think she's been there in a while."_

"Yeah, she's been staying with me. Her suitcases are missing from my house. You and O sit tight in case she makes a stop, alright?"

" _You got it."_

Hank ended the call and tucked his phone back inside his pocket before he turned to face Jay.

"Now what?" Jay asked.

"Well, we know she's probably looking to score. If she can't find any on the street then she'll have to call her old buddies. Let's hope she turns her phone on."

 **XXX**

"I'll just be a minute. Keep the meter running," Erin said as she stepped out of cab. The driver nodded and put the car in park.

Erin turned and walked to the door. She entered the familiar bar with her hands stuffed in her pockets. She quickly spotted her mother behind the bar, but Erin just ignored her; she hadn't gone there to see Bunny. She walked towards the back and found him sat in a booth with a cigarette between his fingers and a beer in hand. He was chatting it up with some guy that Erin had recognized from a few times before.

"Erin, hey," he grinned at her.

"Landon," Erin greeted, tipping her head towards him.

He gestured to the spot beside him, but Erin shook her head. "I just need a little something, ya know?"

Landon Vanick had been the guy to introduce Erin to Charlie Pugliese and his friends back in the day. He had always had a thing for her, and he made it more than obvious, but she had never gone there with him and she never would.

He smirked at her, knowing exactly what it was that she needed. He reached into his front pocket and pulled out a few tiny bags, a bit bigger than the size of a matchbook.

"How much?" Landon asked her.

Erin held up two fingers and he slid two of the bags towards her on the top of the table. Erin reciprocated the movement, passing him two hundred-dollar bills before she scooped up the bags of coke and stuffed them in her pocket. She tossed Landon another nod, and then turned around.

She walked out of the bar and got back in the taxi.

"Where to miss?"

Erin swallowed hard. She knew she couldn't stay in the city or turn her phone on, or they'd find her in no time. She just wanted to be left alone. She couldn't deal with the looks from everyone she knew and the repetitive words of sympathy they tried to feed her. She needed to get out. She needed to get away.

"Miss?"

Erin looked up at the driver through the rearview mirror. "O'Hare International."

 **XXX**

By the time she gets out of a taxi, it's almost midnight. She paid the driver and grabbed her luggage from the trunk before making her way to the front of a tall brick building. As she entered through the double doors, she glanced down at the address on a yellow Post It in her hand; Erin was glad she had written it down before she turned her phone off. She walked towards the elevators, hauling her luggage behind her.

She quickly reached the third floor and found the apartment she was looking for about halfway down the hall. She stood in front of a dark green door and raised a closed fist to knock.

After a few minutes passed, Erin reminded herself that it was late and she did show up unannounced. She knocked once more, deciding if the tenant didn't answer she'd find a hotel for the night. She's about to pivot on her heel when she heard the turning of a deadbolt and the clanking of a chain.

When the door swung open she offered a weak smile. "Hey."

"Erin? What are you doing here?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "Would you believe me if I said I was in the neighborhood?"

The much older woman standing before her shook her head with a small smile. "I'm afraid not. What's going on? What's with the luggage?"

"I know it's unexpected and it's late. I should have called first. I'm sorry, I just, I didn't know where else to go and I really didn't wanna come back here, but Chicago was – I couldn't deal with things there. It's almost as if I couldn't breathe and I just needed out."

"You don't have to apologize. You're more than welcome. Besides, Noah is sleeping anyway."

Erin swallowed back a new set of tears. "Thanks Sergeant Benson."

"You know better than to call me that by now. It's Olivia. Come on in, Erin."

Olivia reached down to help Erin with her luggage, and then Erin followed the woman inside.


	6. Chapter 6

I'm back again with a new chapter as promised. I really hope you guys like this chapter and you don't hate me. Either way, please leave a review and let me know what you think. Apologies for any mistakes. Enjoy!

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own or have any affiliation with Chicago PD, its characters, writers, cast or crew.

 **XXX**

"Why did you come here, Erin?"

Erin looked up from the cup of hot tea in front of her and met Olivia's eyes. She gave a shrug of one shoulder. "I didn't really know where else to go. Everyone I know lives in Chicago, but Hank and everyone back home...They were suffocating me. I needed to get away."

"I can understand that. You've been through quite a lot recently."

Erin nodded her head before she lifted the mug to her lips and took a slow sip.

Olivia watched her with inquisitive eyes. "I've gotta ask you – your hands are shaking, and now that I can see you better in the light of my kitchen and not a dim hallway I can see your pupils. Looks to me like you're coming down from something. Are you?"

Erin took another sip of her tea and then set the mug down on the table in front of her. She wanted to look away, but Olivia's gaze kept a strong hold on her.

"You need to tell me, Erin," Olivia said in a quiet voice.

Erin looked down at the table, the guilt beginning to set in again. She gripped the mug tighter between her hands and sniffed back the tears she felt in her eyes. She whispered across the table, "Coke."

"Are you holding?" Olivia asked her.

Erin looked up at her and Olivia sighed because she knew. "If you're gonna stay here in my home the drugs have to go. I have to think of Noah here, Erin. You are more than welcome to stay here as long as you want, but the drugs can't. Do you understand me?"

Erin shook her head up and down quickly. "I'll get rid of it. I will. I swear."

"Where is it?"

"In my carry-on," Erin told her.

"How'd you even get it on the plane?"

Erin ignored her question, stood and walked to her luggage on the floor a few feet away. She unzipped the front compartment on the smaller one, pulled out two small circular containers, and walked back to the table. She placed them down in front of Olivia before she sat back in her chair.

Olivia picked up one of the containers to closely examine it. When she realized what it was she sighed and placed it back down on the table. "Your make up."

Erin nodded.

"Let's get rid of it now," Olivia said.

Olivia grabbed the makeup containers and got up from the table. She looked down at Erin with hopeful eyes and Erin swallowed hard before she stood up slowly. Olivia placed a hand on Erin's shoulder and gave a gentle squeeze before she let go, and then she led Erin to the bathroom.

Erin stood just inside the doorway with her arms crossed over her chest. When Olivia lifted the cover and seat of the toilet Erin shook her head. "I don't know if I can do this."

Olivia placed the containers on the vanity and then turned around. She took a step forward and placed her hands on Erin's shoulders.

"Yes, you can," Olivia told her.

Erin shook her head again as her eyes became heavier with more tears. "No. No, I don't want to. I know what you said and it's fine. I'll go somewhere else. I shouldn't have come here anyways. I – "

Olivia sighed. She squeezed Erin's shoulders and looked her in the eyes. "Erin, you can do this."

"I don't want to. Just give it back to me and I'll go, okay? I'll go."

Erin shrugged off Olivia's hands and tried to step around her, but Olivia was quick and blocked Erin's path.

"I can't let you do that, Erin," Olivia told her.

The tears spilled over Erin's eyes and rolled down her cheeks. She raised her hands to her hair and held her head between them as tears continued to fall from her eyes. She could feel her hands shaking against her scalp and her bottom lip was quivering. She just needed a line. One more and she would be straight again, she knew it.

"I need it, Olivia," Erin whimpered. Her hands slipped from her hair, and then her arms fell limp at her sides and she was sobbing.

Olivia could feel her own tears in her eyes as she watched the woman in front of her breakdown. She took a step forward and raised her hands to hold Erin's face, forcing her to look at Olivia again. "I know you feel like you can't do this and I know you may think you don't want to, but I promise that you can. You can do this. I'm right here with you. We'll get rid of this stuff together."

Erin whimpered again. She felt so torn – she knew what she had to do, but she just wanted one more line. She felt the sharp ache through the front of her head as it rested right between her eyes. All she wanted was to snort up a line and have the pain in her head disappear.

Erin released a shaky breath and ran a hand through her hair. She felt so sick then, she stepped forward and barely made it to her knees and hunched over the toilet before she threw up what little she held in her digestive tract.

Olivia stood behind her in an instant and pulled Erin's hair to the side with one hand. She moved her other hand to Erin's back and ran her nails along it in a comforting manner while Erin continued to heave.

A few minutes passed until Erin shrugged Olivia off of her and pulled herself to her feet. She tore some toilet paper from a nearby roll and wiped her mouth before she dropped it into the bowl, and then flushed.

Erin moved to the sink and did her best to clean herself up before she lifted her eyes to the mirror in front of her. She saw the reflection of a woman that she recognized to be herself, but at the same time was someone completely different. Her eyes held an unexplainable vacancy in the center of them. Her pupils still seemed dilated. Her face was thinner and her collarbone protruded vastly from her chest. The circles that rested underneath them were the darkest she was sure she'd ever seen.

Erin swallowed hard and dropped her gaze from the mirror before took a deep breath. She knew what had to happen. It had finally begun to hit her. She took another deep breath.

"Flush it," Erin whispered.

"What?" Olivia asked. She had barely heard her small voice.

Erin turned her head to look at the older woman stood a few feet away from her. Her face was puffy and the skin beneath her eyes was blemished with broken blood vessels.

"Flush it. All of it, please. Just get rid of it," Erin said in a louder tone, pleading.

Olivia wasted no time after she heard Erin's words. She stepped forward and grabbed the containers. She unscrewed the tops one at a time before she flipped them over and dumped their contents into the toilet bowl. Olivia glanced up at Erin, but she had turned away not watching what was happening. Once Olivia was sure both containers were completely empty she flushed the bowl. She heard Erin sniffle and looked over at her. The young woman was in tears again and she visibly shook in front of the sink. Her knuckles were white from her grip on the counter that she held onto.

Olivia moved towards the sink and stood to the side. She rinsed the containers and then dropped them into the small waste basket on the floor.

Olivia turned back to Erin and reached out to grab her hand. She squeezed it twice. "I'm proud of you for what you just did. You should be, too. I know that wasn't an easy thing for you."

Erin lifted her eyes to Olivia's and shrugged. "What if I slip again and get more?"

Olivia shook her head and squeezed Erin's hand again. "I won't let you. I'll help you in any way I can, but you have to want the help, Erin. And from what I just saw, I think you want help."

"I don't wanna feel this way anymore," Erin said in a small voice as more tears filled her eyes.

Olivia smiled through her own tears she felt in her eyes and squeezed Erin's hand once more. "Then I'll help you so you don't."

Olivia tugged on her hand. "Come on. Let's go sit back down in the kitchen."

Erin nodded and let Olivia lead her out of the bathroom. She only let go of Erin's hand once they reached the kitchen, and Erin sat back down in her chair. Olivia walked over to the refrigerator and pulled out a bottle of water before she returned to the table and sat down. She handed the water to Erin with a smile and rested her hands on top of the table in front of her.

Erin took a few sips of the water and then looked back to Olivia. "What do I do now?"

"Does anyone know you're here? Hank? Anyone?"

Erin shook her head. "No, I just uh, I packed a few bags and got on a plane."

"Erin, everyone must be worried sick about you. You should call someone back home."

Erin shook her head again quickly. "No. No, I can't."

"Erin, think about how worried they must be. You didn't tell anyone you were leaving. They have no idea where you are. I know what you're going through. Believe me I know better than anyone. And I know you probably aren't ready to talk about her yet, but remember how you felt when Nadia went missing? The worry you felt not knowing anything. Do you really want to put the people who care about you through that?"

Erin swallowed a lump in her throat and dropped her eyes to her lap at the mention of her late friend's name. Of course she remembered. She remembered all too well the things she felt when Nadia disappeared. The anxiety when Nadia's phone continued going straight to voicemail when Erin called. The panic that set in when Kim had mentioned a smashed birthday cake on the ground and they discovered Erin's car was missing. The wrench in her gut when she realized her friend wouldn't be coming home, and the guilt that set in when she realized it was because of her. It was her fault.

"I can't talk to them Olivia. I just can't," Erin said as she looked back up at Olivia.

"Then let me. I can talk to them for you. At least let me tell them you're safe. Would that be okay?"

Erin looked away from Olivia and didn't speak for a few moments. Olivia could tell Erin was scared as she fiddled with her shaking hands and took a few shaky breaths. Then Erin reached into her jacket pocket and pulled out her cell phone. She stared at it for a few seconds before she set it down and slid it across the table to Olivia.

"I turned it off so they couldn't track me," Erin said quietly. Olivia nodded, turning the phone on.

Eight hundred miles away Hank Voight sat in his office of District 21. He hadn't left the pen since he returned to the district with Jay Halstead several hours earlier. Hank looked up from his desk and saw Jay at his own desk. His eyes roved over the computer screen in front of him. Hank glanced through the open door way of his office and realized the entire team was still in the pen. He sighed and stood from his chair, and everyone looked up as he walked out of his office.

"All of you guys – "

"Hey, boss!"

Hank turned to his left and saw Mouse enter the pen from the side hallway. "Yeah, Mouse."

"Erin's phone was just turned on," Mouse said as he walked towards Hank. Several gasps were heard around the room while both Hank and Jay's eyes widened.

"Use my computer again. Find her," Jay commanded as he stood up from his chair. Mouse nodded and took a seat. Hank and Jay stood on either side of him, waiting.

Less than a minute later Jay noticed a strange look on his friend's face. "What is it?"

Mouse shook his head and pointed to the computer screen in front of him. "Either I'm off my game, or that really does say New York. Manhattan to be specific."

"What the hell would she be doing in New York City?" Jay asked.

"Let's find out," Hank said. He nodded at Jay and then in the direction of his office. Jay followed Hank into the small room and closed the door behind him.

"Keep quiet," Hank said to Jay, who nodded once, and then Hank pulled his cell phone from his chest pocket. He dialed Erin's number and set the call on speaker.

Back in Olivia's kitchen, Erin sat with her thumb nail pulled between her teeth as she waited for Olivia to make a call on her cell phone. Her left knee bounced up and down under the table and then she froze completely when a ringing sounded throughout the kitchen.

"Hank's calling," Olivia told her.

"That didn't take long," Erin muttered.

Olivia cleared her throat before she answered the call and lifted the phone to her ear. "Hello, Hank."

"Olivia? Is that you? What are you – " Hank paused and sighed. "She's with you?"

"Yes, she's with me at my apartment. She's safe," Olivia told him.

"Is she alright?" Hank asked.

"Could be better, but she's okay," Olivia said.

Hank sighed again and shook his head on his end. "Halstead and I will be on the next flight out."

"No, that won't be necessary, Hank. She's emotional and scared right now. I told her she could stay here."

"Excuse me?"

"She needs some space right now," Olivia told her friend.

Hank scoffed on his end. "What she needs is medical and professional help. She disappears and doesn't care to tell anyone where she's going, gets into God knows what, and then runs off to the Big Apple, but I'm supposed to give her space?"

"Hank, I'll take care of her. Maybe getting some distance between herself and Chicago isn't such a bad idea right now with everything going on."

"Olivia – "

"I know what she is to you, Hank. I know you're worried about her, but pushing her and overwhelming her isn't going to help. Believe me. I will get her to a doctor tonight and get her the help she needs. I promise you, as your friend and as a mother, I will take care of her."

Hank took a deep breath and blew it out. He shook his head again on his end of the phone call. "Alright. We'll do it your way. Just – just keep me in the loop, okay? And tell her I love her. That we all do."

"You have my word," Olivia swore. She heard another deep sigh and then the call was disconnected.

Hank slipped his phone back into his chest pocket and looked up to see Jay already walking to the door. He opened it and stepped back out into the pen, and Hank followed. He looked around the room and saw everyone's eyes on him.

"Is she okay?" Kim immediately asked.

"So, where is she then?" Adam jumped in.

Hank sighed heavily and then met Antonio's eyes. "Well?" Dawson pressed.

"Erin is in New York with Sergeant Benson. She'll be staying there for an indefinite amount of time," Hank announced to his team, but kept his eyes in front of him on Jay.

Jay scoffed. "She can't stay in New York. That's the last place she needs to be. We need to go there. We need to go and bring her home."

"Jay," Hank said quietly, shaking his head yet again.

"You're telling me you're okay with this?" Jay asked him with his hands on his hips. He took a few steps forward and then turned around, beginning to pace back and forth.

"You heard Olivia, Jay. I don't like it either, but maybe she's right. Maybe some space will do Erin some good right now," Hank said.

Jay just shook his head in disbelief before he snatched his jacket and left the pen.

 **XXX**

"Thank you," Erin said as she looked at Olivia. "For what you did and said, thanks."

Olivia nodded. "I meant every word. I'm gonna call Rollins to see if she come and watch Noah so I can get you to a doctor. Closest hospital is Bellevue. Ten minute drive tops," Olivia told Erin.

Erin shook her head. "No, no hospitals. Please."

"Erin, you should see a doctor sooner rather than later," Olivia told her.

"I can't go to a hospital with coke in my system, Olivia. They'll – "

"You let me take care of that," Olivia said.

Thirty minutes later Olivia pulled into the parking lot of Bellevue Hospital. She parked the car, and her and Erin made their way to the entrance.

"Just follow my lead, alright?" Olivia said to her. Erin glanced over at her curiously.

"Trust me," Olivia told her.

Erin nodded, and then she and Olivia entered the emergency room of the hospital. Erin kept her eyes down and her hands in her pockets as she followed Olivia to a front desk in the waiting room.

"May I help you?" A nurse asked.

Olivia pulled her badge from her belt clip and flashed it at the woman behind the desk. "I need a room and a doctor. Now."

The woman only nodded and disappeared behind a set of automatic double doors. Erin stayed quiet and still kept her eyes low. Olivia glanced around the waiting room – there was an elderly couple, a woman with a brace on her knee, another younger couple with a whiny toddler, and a man with a cast on his arm. Olivia sighed a breath of relief that the ER didn't seem too busy. The sound of the double doors opening made Olivia turned and she saw the same nurse from before wave her over.

Olivia patted Erin's arm and the two followed the nurse to a room halfway down the hall.

"Dr. Peterson will be in shortly, officer," the nurse said to Olivia. Liv smiled her thanks and then the nurse left the room.

Olivia turned to Erin and gestured to the hospital bed against the side wall of the room. Erin nodded and sat down on the side of it, keeping her hands in her pockets; they were still shaking.

Ten minutes later there was a knock on the door and then it was pushed open a moment later. A middle-aged woman, late thirties entered the room. She had blonde hair pulled back into a pony tail and she wore a white lab coat over her light blue scrubs.

Her eyes were blue and Erin couldn't help to stare. They reminded her of – she stopped the thought before it could finish processing in her head and watched the woman as she walked towards her on the bed.

"Hello, I'm Dr. Peterson. My nurse told me there was a police officer in need of medical attention. What seems to be the problem?" She kept the smile on her face as she glanced between Erin and Olivia.

Olivia stepped forward, and raised her badge again for the doctor to see for herself. "I'm Sergeant Olivia Benson, Special Victim's Unit. This is Detective Erin Lindsay, Chicago P.D. She was working with us as an undercover for a federal sex trafficking case. To not blow her cover she had to ingest some cocaine. We wanted to get her checked out. Make sure everything is okay."

"Of course," Dr. Peterson nodded. She glanced at Erin and then back to Olivia. "We'll have to check her out in the system, go over her medical history and – "

Olivia shook her head. "Like I said, the case is federal level and extremely sensitive as I'm sure you can understand. You can run whatever tests you'd like on my colleague, but I need her name to stay out of it. Put her down as a Jane Doe."

Olivia pulled a card from her pocket then and handed it to the doctor. "Here's my card. You can send any medical bills to the precinct."

The doctor swallowed nervously, but nodded her head at Olivia. She turned to Erin. "We'll get some blood and urine tests going and get you in for an MRI contrast to check your internals out. Then we'll set up an EKG to check your heart. We'll try to have you out of here as soon as possible."

"Okay, " Erin said quietly in response.

Dr. Peterson smiled at her again. "Sit tight. I'll go grab a couple nurses and we'll get started."

The doctor left the room and Olivia stepped towards Erin. "You're gonna be okay."

Erin looked up at Olivia with unblinking eyes and her knees started to shake again.

"I just hate hospitals," Erin whispered.

Olivia nodded. "So do I."

A few minutes later Dr. Peterson returned with two nurses behind her. The doctor turned to Olivia. "You'll have to take a seat in the waiting room, Sergeant."

Olivia nodded and faced Erin. "I won't be far okay?"

Erin nodded as well. "It's just a bunch of tests. I'll be alright."

Less than an hour later Erin returned to her room. Within another ten minutes the door opened and Dr. Peterson entered. She smiled at Erin as she sat on a rolling stool at the side of the bed.

"I thought I was supposed to have an MRI," Erin said sleepily to the woman beside her. It was nearing three o'clock in the morning and all she wanted to do right then was sleep.

The blonde woman smiled as she held a chart in front of her and looked at Erin. "You were supposed to, yes, but due to medical reasons we couldn't perform the MRI contrast. Everything else seems to be fine, relatively speaking. The cocaine in your system didn't test positive for any abnormalities in your blood or urine. It also doesn't seem to have affected the fetus too severely. A few days of detox and the both of you should be just fine."

Erin snapped her head up, now fully awake, and looked up at the doctor. "Fetus?"


	7. Chapter 7

Just a head's up to the douchebag that hacked my Fanfiction and my Gmail accounts this weekend. You're an asshole. I apologize once again to anyone who received threatening messages from either account as it was not me. I have several friends from RIT looking into this for me; hopefully I'll hear something back by the end of the week. Thanks for your patience and understanding to those I've chatted with since Friday.

Please, please remember not everything is as it seems in Fanfiction, and please don't hate me. I hope you enjoy this chapter! Please let me know what you think, and as always if you have anything you'd like to see or any fic requests feel free to PM me about them. Apologies in advance for any mistakes. Enjoy!

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own or have any affiliation with Chicago PD, its characters, writers, cast or crew.

* * *

Erin snapped her head to the side, now fully awake, and looked up at the doctor. "Fetus?"

Dr. Peterson looked down at the chart in her hands and then back up at Erin. "Yes, you're almost sixteen weeks along and already in your second trimester. Did you not know Miss Lindsay?"

Erin shook her head. "It's not possible. I would have noticed if I was pregnant. I would have noticed."

"Well, working in a high stress environment as it seems you have been, you most likely wouldn't have actually."

Erin shook her head again. "But I haven't been sick except for earlier tonight. I would have been sick, right?"

"Not necessarily. Every pregnancy is different. Some women don't experience nausea at all throughout the entire duration of their pregnancy," the doctor told her.

"How could I not have noticed?" Erin asked, more to herself than anything. She took a shaky breath and ran a hand through her hair.

"I'm assuming this was unplanned," Dr. Peterson said a moment later.

Erin nodded and the doctor did the same. "Whatever your beliefs are on the subject is none of my business Miss Lindsay, but you do have options here. The state of New York legally allows for a dilation and evacuation procedure to be performed surgically up to twenty-four weeks of gestation. You may also choose an evacuation of the uterus to remove the fetus and the placenta."

Erin stared at the woman in front of her with unblinking eyes. "You mean an abortion?"

Dr. Peterson nodded. "Of course, there is the obvious option of continuing the pregnancy and keeping the baby or there is also adoption."

Erin sighed. "I've been snorting coke, and smoking cigarettes and consuming. What are the chances this baby would even make it?"

"Well, it would simply come down to how much you were doing in the last four months."

"Heavy drinking the last month or so. Smoking a few cigarettes every couple of days."

"And the cocaine?" Dr. Peterson asked.

Erin ran a shaking hand through her hair again. "A gram or two in the last couple weeks. Maybe a bit less."

"Obviously any amount of cocaine use is never a good idea, but given the vitals and test results, if you were to stop now? I'd like to hope the only problem you and your baby face would be premature labor and low birthweight. That goes for the cigarette smoking as well. A couple grams of cocaine over a period of two weeks honestly aren't as serious as one would think, even while being pregnant. I've seen addicts come in here sometimes that admit to using that much coke every few hours. My main concern for both of you at this point in the pregnancy would be the alcohol intake. You said you were drinking heavily. Fetal alcohol syndrome is an extremely serious condition. The alcohol you ingest, your baby directly ingests. An adult liver is able to breakdown alcohol in your blood stream. A baby's liver is obviously substantially smaller than yours and it is still developing along with other vital organs in its body."

"What else could it do?" Erin asked quietly.

"Fetal alcohol syndrome can cause defects of the organs, impair vision and hearing in the fetus. It can cause intellectual disabilities and behavioral problems. The baby can have trouble sleeping, sucking, and swallowing, and have extremely low birth weight. If you stop now and make the necessary changes to your lifestyle, I have no reason to believe the rest of your pregnancy can't run smoothly if you choose to continue it."

Erin nodded as she took in the information and looked away. She had tears in her eyes, and within seconds they fell and they wouldn't stop. She tried to take a deep breath, but ended up gasping for air as she sobbed harder.

Erin turned her head back to the doctor and shrugged her shoulders. "What do I do?"

The older woman sighed before offering a kind smile. "I can't answer that for you. The only thing I can tell you is what your options are, and the medical information that goes along with them. This isn't a decision anyone else can make for you, Miss Lindsay. I'm sorry."

Erin nodded. "So, what do I do now then?"

"I'll give you some handouts with the all of the information I've just explained to you. I'll also give you the contact information and brochures for several gynecologists and clinics in the area, as well as several adoption lawyers. You talk to them in further detail of your options, and then you go from there."

"Okay," Erin whispered.

Dr. Peterson stood up and walked to the door. She hesitated a moment before turning back to face Erin. "I'll get you a prescription for a sleeping aide that you can take during the duration of your pregnancy. While you're going over your options the next few days, it'll help you sleep without hurting the fetus. I'll also write down the prenatal vitamins you need to pick up as well. However, as you know, the decision to use them is yours."

"I'm really pregnant," Erin said to herself, shaking her head in near disbelief.

Dr. Peterson smiled kindly at her once more. "I know it may seem like a horrible thing right now, given it was unplanned, but maybe it's a blessing in disguise."

Erin sniffed back new tears that had begun to form. She gave another quick nod of her head and then Dr. Peterson left the room.

Thirty minutes later Erin and Olivia had returned to Olivia's apartment. Erin made her way to the couch and flopped down onto it while Liv thanked her detective, Amanda Rollins, for watching over Noah. Amanda said her goodbyes and soon left.

"I'm gonna peak in on Noah real quick," Olivia said, tipping her head in the direction of the little boy's bedroom.

Erin nodded and Olivia disappeared down the hallway. When she returned several minutes later she saw Erin still sat on the sofa with her head tilted back and her eyes closed.

Olivia walked towards her, trying to keep quiet, but a creaking floorboard caused Erin to open her eyes and look up.

"I'm sorry I woke you," Olivia said.

"I wasn't sleeping," Erin told her.

Olivia took a seat beside Erin on the couch and turned her head to look at her. "You've been awfully m quiet since we left the hospital. Wanna tell me what's going on?"

"I just feel really tired. Just drained out, ya know?"

Olivia nodded and then Erin pulled a small, square-sized piece of paper out of her jacket pocket. Erin handed it to her and then looked down at her hands resting in her lap. "The doctor gave me a prescription for a sleeping aide. She also wrote down which vitamins I need to get."

Olivia's brows knitted together. "Vitamins? What for?"

Erin cleared her throat and then locked eyes with the woman beside her. "Prenatal vitamins. I'm four months pregnant."

Olivia's eyes widened and her lips parted as she breathed in, and then released a gasp of air. "What?"

Erin scoffed. "Yeah, my thoughts exactly."

"Do you know who the father is?" Olivia asked.

"Yeah, my partner. Well, ex-partner," Erin said. Her voice shook as she said the words and she had to sniff back more tears.

Olivia raised her eyebrows. "Halstead?"

Erin nodded. "He's the last guy I was involved with. He's the only guy that could be the father."

"I thought there might have something going on there. Does Hank know about the two of you?"

Erin scoffed again, running a hand through her hair. "Yeah, he's kinda the reason why Jay and I ended things between us."

"Are you gonna call him?" Olivia asked.

Erin looked up. "Who?"

"Jay. You're gonna tell him right?"

"What's there to tell?"

"Erin, you're pregnant with his child. Don't you think you ought to tell him that?"

Erin shook her head. "I wasn't planning on it. Besides, it's not like I'm keeping it anyways."

"What are you saying?"

"The doctor gave me some information about my options. I don't think I could go through with an abortion, but I also know that I can't keep the baby either so I'm going to check out a few adoption lawyers and see what they have to say."

"Erin, you just found out you're pregnant. You should take some time to really think about things and then make your decision. Especially before talking to any lawyer." Olivia told her carefully.

"I've already decided," Erin said.

"Erin, you know I'll support whatever you choose, but is this really what you want to do?"

Erin laughed then though there were fresh tears that still lingered in the corners of her eyes. "Olivia, look at me. I'm a struggling drug addict with a drinking problem. Do you want me to tell you how many times I considered running from that hospital and scoring? I can't have a kid."

Olivia raised her hands almost defensively. "That may be true now, but we're gonna get you the help you need. We'll get you setup with a therapist and you'll go to meetings for the cocaine and alcohol abuse. You already took that first big leap. You let me get rid of the cocaine. You're on the path to getting better, to healing yourself."

"Yeah, until next time. I'm a screw up, Olivia. Bad news. I was born into it – my dad, my mom, my brother. I'd only screw up this kid, too. And God knows we don't need another Lindsay running around."

Olivia sighed. "Regardless of how you feel right now, you still need to tell Halstead."

Erin shook her head. "No."

"Erin, if you go through with this and you don't tell him, and he finds out – which you know somehow he will, it will destroy him. And not telling him will be a decision you will regret for the rest of your life."

Erin shook her head again and looked back at Olivia as the tears in her eyes fell. "You don't get it, Olivia. You don't know him. If I call Jay and tell him I'm pregnant, then he'd be on the next flight out here to try and get me back to Chicago. I don't want that. I don't want him wasting his time on me anymore than he has already. Trust me, I'm doing him a favor. Jay deserves something normal. Something easy. Something better. Not a kid with some washed up alcoholic that can't keep her nose clean."

"Erin – "

"Look, I appreciate what you're doing for me with everything else, but this is the one thing I don't need help with, okay? I already made my decision. Please, just leave this alone. You can say whatever you want about the drinking and the coke, and I'll go to the meetings and I'll see whoever you want me to, but just let me do what I have to about this, okay? I made my decision before we even left the hospital. Please, just let me do what I have to."

Olivia sighed, and nodded wordlessly.

Erin stood from the couch. "Do you mind if I take a quick shower before I try to sleep?"

Olivia shook her head. "Go ahead. The guest room is right across from the bathroom when you're done. I'll put your luggage in there for you."

"Thanks," Erin said quietly, and then she walked off.

Olivia stared after her as Erin slipped into the bathroom, and then Liv stood from the couch. She rolled Erin's suitcases down the hallway to the guest bedroom before she made her way back out to the living room. She could hear the shower running in the bathroom so she pulled out her cell phone from her pants pocket.

Olivia took a deep breath and dialed. It rang twice before picking up on the other end.

"I told you I'd keep you in the loop," Olivia spoke into the phone.

 **XXX**

The following morning Erin woke to the sunlight seeping in through the window of the guest room. She groaned as she stretched out and turned on her side in the bed. The events of what happened earlier that morning came rushing back to her and she mechanically brought a hand down to her stomach. She was pregnant.

Erin was pregnant with Jay Halstead's kid. She didn't know whether to laugh hysterically at the karma of her life or cry again. She chose neither, and instead pulled herself out of bed. She stretched again and let out a yawn. She shivered and grabbed a hoodie from her suitcase. She pulled it on over her gooseflesh arms and headed out of the room. She made her way down the hallway and towards the kitchen, ready to face Olivia and whatever she had planned for her, but as Erin came out of the hallway she froze.

"So, you're pregnant with Halstead's kid."

"What are you doing here?" Erin asked quietly. She crossed her arms over her chest as she stared at Hank Voight sitting at the kitchen table in front of her. He held a newspaper in his hands and had a cup of steaming liquid in front of him.

"Olivia called early this morning. I caught the next flight out. You slept a while. It's nearly two in the afternoon, kid."

Erin shook her head. "I can't believe she told you. You weren't ever supposed to know."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Hank asked her.

"Just what I said," Erin told him as she uncrossed her arms and dropped them to her side. She felt hungry for the first time in weeks and made her way to the bag of bagels sitting on the counter. She dropped one into the toaster and then turned to the refrigerator. She pulled out a carton of orange juice and poured herself a glass. When the bagel popped up, she spread some cream cheese over it before carrying it and her juice over to the table. She took a seat and then a bite, and chewed while keeping her eyes down.

"What exactly were you gonna do when this kid is born? Have it be a surprise to everyone?" Hank asked her as he folded the newspaper up and set it down on top of the table.

Erin swallowed and then took a sip of her juice before looking over at Hank. "I guess Olivia didn't tell you everything then, did she?"

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm going to put the baby up for adoption. I'll check around with adoption lawyers in the city. I guess I'll be staying in New York for a while."

"Erin –"

Erin shook her head and held up a hand to stop him. "Don't. Don't try to make me feel guilty, like I'm doing something wrong because I'm not."

"And how does Halstead feel about you giving up his kid?" Hank asked her with a raised eyebrow.

"It's not his decision," Erin said quietly.

"It's his right. You're gonna take that away from him?"

"It's not actually. Jay and I aren't married. We're not even in a relationship. You made sure of that. I'm sure if he wanted to he could petition and fight the system all he wants, but I don't think he would get too far."

"Think about what you're saying here, Erin. You're gonna give this kid up and what? Stay in New York? Work with Benson at SVU? What exactly is your plan here?"

"I honestly don't know what I'm gonna do yet. I just wanna have this baby and be done with it. I'll go from there."

Hank sighed deeply and gripped the back of his neck with one hand. "You have to tell him, Erin."

"I don't have to do anything," Erin told him.

Hank set his eyes on Eriin's and stared at her hard. "If you don't, I will."

Erin chuckled. "I was waiting for you to say something like that. Go ahead. Tell him whatever you want. It's not gonna make a difference. I've already made up my mind."

"You're upset and exhausted and aching for a hit. You're not thinking clearly and you know it."

Erin shook her head at Hank and kept her eyes on him. "I've made up my mind. I already begged Olivia to stay out of this, and now I'm gonna ask you. I'll see whoever you guys want me to, but when it comes to the pregnancy just leave me alone. Don't try to make me feel bad about my decision. Just let me do what I need to, alright?"

"You're making a mistake, Erin," Hank said to her.

Erin dropped her gaze as she felt her eyes glaze over with tears. When she finally looked up she blinked, and her tears fell as she stared back at Hank. "I guess that's all I'm good for then. Making mistakes. At least I'm consistent at something."

Erin stood from the table, ignoring the rest of her breakfast and ignoring Hank as he called after her, and walked back to the guest room. She closed the door behind her and moved to sit on the bed.

She put her hands on her knees and took a deep breath as the tears continued to fall from her eyes. Maybe she was making a mistake. Maybe she shouldn't go through with this. Maybe she shouldn't have this baby at all.


	8. Chapter 8

Hi lovelies! I'm trying to keep things moving at a decent pace while trying to give people what they wanna see. I really hope you enjoy this chapter. Please note that I'm taking a long weekend with friends and going to the beach starting tomorrow because of my birthday on Sunday. Therefore, I will most likely not be updating for a few days. I wanted to let you all know now before I just disappear.

Also, my other fic, "Love Lives On" will most likely be updated Monday. Hope you like this chapter. Please let me know how you feel about what's going on. This chapter makes me nervous. Enjoy!

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own or have any affiliation with Chicago PD, its characters, writers, cast or crew.

* * *

There was a brief knock on the bedroom door and then it swung open. Erin looked up to see Olivia enter the bedroom. She smiled nervously as she walked towards the bed and sat down next to Erin.

"You know I had to tell him," Olivia said.

Erin looked at Olivia with puffy eyes and drew in a long breath before she blew it out. "You think I'm making a mistake, too."

Olivia sighed and reached for one of Erin's hands. She squeezed it tightly. "I think you're not thinking rationally right now because of how you feel. The withdrawal is setting in. You may feel cornered and alone, but you're not alone, Erin. And once your head is straight again and you're able to think things through more clearly you'll be able to make a better decision for yourself. Whether that's still going through with the adoption or not doesn't matter. What does matter though is you telling Jay about the baby. Deep down inside of you, I know that you know not telling him is the wrong thing to do."

"He's going to hate me when I tell him," Erin croaked out through more tears that came.

"Why would he hate you?" Olivia asked softly.

"The baby could be sick and that's my fault. I was drinking and doing things I shouldn't have been doing. Mistake after mistake. That's all I am. A string of 'em. Maybe ending the pregnancy would just be better for everyone."

Erin dropped her gaze to the floor as she cried. Olivia's heart ached for the woman beside her. She squeezed Erin's hand again and turned to fully face her.

"Erin, look at me," Olivia said.

Erin lifted her eyes to meet Olivia's and Olivia shook her head. "You are not a mistake. You made a few bad decisions. Everyone does. You're in a bad place right now, but that doesn't mean you'll be there forever. We're going to help you get out of it. And I don't think Jay could ever hate you. From what Hank's told me, Halstead seems to really care about you. He just wants you to get better. We all do. And as for the baby, all you can do is wait and hope things turn out for the better. You have to tell Jay."

Erin slowly nodded while several more tears fell. Olivia reached into her jacket pocket then and pulled out a medium sized pill bottle. She handed it to Erin.

"Your prenatal vitamins. The pharmacist recommended the gummy ones over the usual horse pill sized ones. Said they're easier to take," Olivia told her.

"What about the sleeping pills?"

Olivia sighed. "I got them. I'm gonna keep them locked in a drawer. I'll give you one each night."

"I'm not gonna try and kill myself ya know," Erin said quietly.

"I'm sorry, but I'd rather not risk anything happening to you."

Erin nodded, swallowing hard.

"I won't give you a pill now, otherwise you'll be out all night. Why don't you take a vitamin now and try to relax, maybe just try to take a nap. I'll come get you for dinner later."

Erin nodded again and Olivia stood from the bed.

"How long is Hank gonna be here?" Erin asked as Olivia walked to the door.

She turned to look back at Erin. "However long it takes for you to get better I'd imagine."

Olivia offered another small smile and then walked out of the room. Erin let out a deep sigh as she looked down at the bottle in her hand. She unscrewed the top and did as Olivia suggested, popping a small gummy into her mouth, and then chewed and swallowed it. Erin then placed the bottle inside the drawer of the nightstand beside the bed before she lied down and sunk into the mattress.

 **XXX**

Erin woke later to a hand shaking her shoulder. She opened her eyes and was met with a smiling Olivia.

"I see you got a nap in. Dinner's ready. C'mon out."

Erin sat up and rubbed her eyes, trying to wipe away the sleepiness she still felt. She got out of the bed and followed Olivia into the kitchen. Hank was standing over the stove and Noah was in a highchair in front of the table. Olivia sat down in a chair next to the toddler and Erin took a seat on the other side of him. Hank took a seat beside Olivia, thinking to keep some space between him and Erin.

While Olivia tended to her son Hank got drinks for everyone, and then made up a decent plate for Erin. He passed it to her, and she took it without complaint and started eating.

It was quiet as they ate. Erin could feel Hank's eyes on her every so often, but she kept her eyes down. She continued eating until her plate was empty and then leaned back into her chair.

"You want more?" Hank asked her.

Erin looked up at him and quickly nodded. He stood up in a second and grabbed her plate. He brought it back with a second helping and placed it down in front of her before sitting back down.

"Thanks," Erin mumbled.

Hank nodded and went back to eating his own food. It became quiet again until Noah threw his sippy cup down onto the floor and the three adults turned their attention to him. Noah thought it was funny and giggled as he looked over the side of his highchair to the floor. The cup had fallen closer to Erin and she put her fork on her plate before she leaned down to reach for the cup.

She grabbed her unused napkin and wiped the top of the cup before she handed it to the little boy. He smiled a toothy grin at her and Erin found herself smiling back at him as he stuck the tip of the cup into his mouth to take a sip.

Noah seemed to be almost intrigued by Erin as she picked up her fork again. He watched her as he ate, and when she caught him staring she smiled once more and stuck her tongue out at him; it made him giggle again.

"He likes you," Olivia said.

Erin looked across the table at her. "He's cute."

Olivia smirked. "Don't let that laugh of his fool you. He's a sneaky little guy."

Olivia reached over and tickled the little boy around his neck and he squealed, dropping his cup again by Erin's feet. Erin picked it up and repeated her previous action of wiping it down before she handed it to him.

When Erin cleared her plate again she finished her glass of water and sat back in her chair with her hands in her lap.

"Hank was telling me there's a Blackhawks game on if you wanna go watch it. Just relax," Olivia said to Erin a few moments later.

Erin nodded and stood from the table. She walked the short distance to the couch and grabbed the remote off the coffee table before she sunk down against the soft cushions. She could hear Hank and Olivia distantly talking about cleaning up and doing the dishes. She tuned them out as she laid on the couch and stretched her legs out to watch the hockey game on the television.

When a commercial came on the screen a few minutes later she noticed Noah standing in front of her at the end of the couch. His head was tilted to the side with another toothy smile showing and he held his sippy cup in one hand. He plopped the cup down on the couch next to Erin and then he held his hands out to her.

"What?" Erin asked, unsure of what the little boy wanted. For a toddler, he didn't seem to talk much.

Noah took a step closer to her and grabbed onto the front of Erin's hooded sweatshirt. He held it tightly as he attempted to pull himself up the side of the couch, but failed to do so. He looked up at her and whimpered with a disappointed look on his face before he tried again. He wobbled and lost his balance, not making it. He stood in front of the couch and whimpered again, reaching his little arms out to Erin once more.

Erin sighed and sat up. She reached her arms down and lifted the little boy up to the couch and sat him down at the other end. She handed him his sippy cup and then leaned back against the cushions just as the game came back on. Erin tried to focus on the television in front of her, but she could feel little eyes on her. She turned her head towards Noah at the end of the couch, but he quickly looked away with a mischievous grin on his face. Erin shook her head and turned back to the T.V. Less than a minute later she felt Noah staring again.

"What do you want, kid?" She asked looking at him again. She was teetering between feeling flattered and annoyed by the little boy.

Noah tilted his head at her again and then abandoned his cup as he moved towards her. He crawled between her legs, up her stomach, and then settled down right on top of Erin with his head against her chest. His eyes went to the T.V. as he stuck his thumb in his mouth and rested his other hand against Erin's shoulder.

Erin looked down at Noah lying on top of her and sighed. She let a small smile grace her lips before she raised her left arm and rested her hand on the little boy's small back.

As the game played on, a few minutes later Erin heard Olivia talking as she came out of the kitchen. "Yeah, but it's too quiet. That's usually not a good thing."

Erin heard her footsteps getting closer and then Olivia called out, "Noah? Where are you?"

Noah dropped his thumb from his mouth and lifted his head up from Erin's chest at the sound of his mother's voice.

"He's fine," Erin called back as Olivia walked up behind the couch.

"Hank, I stand corrected," Olivia laughed before she leaned over the back of the couch and kissed the top of Noah's head.

"I can take him if he's bothering you," Olivia offered.

Erin shook her head as she looked up at her. "It's okay."

"Are you sure?" Olivia asked. The movement Erin made to almost tighten her hold on the boy on her chest didn't go unnoticed.

Erin nodded. "I think he just wanted to cuddle."

Olivia smiled. "Okay. I'm gonna help Hank finish up in the kitchen. Call me if you need anything."

Erin nodded once more as she raked her nails gently over Noah's back and turned her eyes to the television screen.

"So what was he up to?" Hank asked Olivia as she entered the kitchen. He was finishing up the dishes.

"He's cuddling with Erin," Olivia smiled again grabbing a towel and standing next to him.

"Yeah?"

"Mmhm. He's lying on top of her and she's got her arm around him. It's adorable."

Hank nodded as he put the last dish he had cleaned and rinsed off on the drying rack.

"What should I do here, Liv?" Hank asked quietly a moment later.

Olivia sighed as she dropped the towel on the counter and turned to face the man beside her.

"I think you already know the answer to that, you just don't want to admit it."

"I know I said I'd do it, but now – "

"You don't really have a choice now. She'll thank you for it one day. She's not gonna tell him herself, Hank. If we don't push her on this I'm afraid she'll do something that she'll regret. I think you know that."

"She's gonna hate me," Hank said.

Olivia chuckled. "The two of you are quite similar, you know that?"

Hank snorted back a laugh and shook his head. "I'm so worried about her, ya know?"

Olivia reached her hand out to rest on Hank's arm. "She's gonna be okay, Hank. She's making progress. As minuscule at it all may seem right now, just remember that it's still progress. The coke is gone. She's not drinking. She's eating again and getting enough sleep. She'll be okay."

Hank nodded and gave a small smile. "You're to thank for that progress. We had to fight her for most of that back in Chicago. Guess you were right about her needing some space, huh? Maybe I shouldn't have come here."

"Erin may not say it out loud. She may not admit it yet, but she needs you. Especially now. Once the withdrawal really sets in and she starts fighting harder, and with this pregnancy she's going to need us. She's going to need all of us."

Hank sighed. "Yeah, I know."

Olivia squeezed his arm gently before she turned on her heel and left the kitchen.

A few minutes later Hank made his way to the living room. He smiled at the sight of Erin and Noah still snuggled up together on the couch. Noah was passed out and Erin was well on her way. Hank moved to the end of the couch where Erin's feet lay and lifted them as he sat down, and then set them in his lap. Erin turned her head and looked at her pseudo-father. His eyes met hers and he smiled at her. He squeezed one of her sock covered feet and Erin dropped her head back to the cushions.

"Where's Liv?" Hank asked quietly.

"Shower," Erin mumbled back before yawning.

Hank nodded. "I'm glad you're okay, kid. You had us worried there for a sec."

Erin turned her head to look at Hank and for the first time she noticed just how heavy his eyes looked. The weight he had been carrying. She swallowed hard, feeling the guilt in her gut.

"I'm sorry I ran off. I'm sorry I worried you," she told him.

Hank gave a firm squeeze to her foot once more as he kept his eyes on hers. "You're like a daughter to me, Erin. I'll always worry about you, but please, don't ever do that again. I don't care how pissed off you are, alright?"

Erin swallowed again and nodded. "I won't. I promise."

Hank patted the top of her foot and smiled at her. "Good."

Olivia walked out of her bedroom a short while later and stood over Erin. "Do you want one of your pills now or in a little bit?"

"Now, please," Erin said.

Olivia nodded and walked to the kitchen. She returned a minute later with one fist closed and a bottle of water in her other hand. She set the bottle of water on the coffee table and place a small, white, oval-shaped pill down beside it.

Olivia turned to Erin and reached down towards Noah. "Come here, sweetie."

Olivia lifted the little boy up into her arms and he stirred awake as he plopped his head against Olivia's shoulder. He pointed to Erin and whimpered, tired and cranky from being woken up.

"Rin," Noah moaned.

"You'll see Erin tomorrow buddy. Let's get you to bed. Come on," Olivia told him.

Erin smiled at the little boy and waved her hand at him. "Goodnight, Noah."

Olivia carried him down the hallway, and then Erin sat up on the couch and reached for the bottle of water. She took a pull from it, and then popped the pill into her mouth and swallowed. She stood from the couch and turned to Hank.

"Goodnight," she said quietly.

"Night, kid," Hank said to her.

Erin grabbed the bottle of water and shuffled her feet down the hallway. She walked into the room, closing the door behind her and made her way to the bed. She set the water down on the nightstand and climbed into the bed under the blankets.

Erin wasn't sure how long she had been lying in the bed, but sometime later she could feel herself dozing off. She was so close to sleep that she was certain she had imagined hearing the bedroom door opening and closing again. She snuggled the side of her face into the pillow and burrowed further underneath the blankets. She just wanted to sleep. A moment later she felt the bed dip behind her. Erin lifted her head from the pillow and arched her neck, and then she smiled a drowsy crooked smile.

"You're here," she mumbled before her eyes closed completely.

The following morning Erin woke from her sleep, moaning into the pillow as she stretched out her legs. She heard her stomach grumble and just the thought of breakfast actually made her want to get up. She was about to move from the bed and venture to the kitchen when she realized she couldn't actually move. She looked down and saw an arm slumped over her waist. She arched her neck and her eyes trailed up the arm to a familiar face. She was met with a pair of blue eyes that caused Erin to let out a slight gasp.

"Jay," Erin breathed out, breaking through the silence in the room.

The look on his face told her he had probably just woken up himself. She felt tears in her eyes as she moved onto her back and turned her head to look at her ex-partner behind her.

"Hey you," he said with a sleepy smile.

"It really was you that I saw last night," Erin said in near disbelief.

Jay nodded. "You looked exhausted. I wanted you to sleep as much as your body would let you."

"I thought the sleeping pill I took was making me hallucinate," Erin told him.

"Sleeping pill?"

Erin nodded. "Olivia took me to the hospital. A doctor prescribed them, don't worry. What are you doing here? When did you get here?"

"Hank called me yesterday afternoon, said you needed me. So I jumped on a plane. My flight landed around seven last night and Hank texted me Olivia's address. I know you wanted me to stay away, but I can't," he told her.

"Did Hank tell you anything else?" Erin asked warily.

Jay shook his head. "When I got here Hank told me you had just gone to bed, but that you had something to tell me."

Erin swallowed nervously and Jay must have noticed because he tightened his arm over her middle. "Whatever it is, just tell me, Erin. You know you can tell me anything."

Erin felt tears in her eyes as she looked at Jay. She knew she had to. She took a quick breath before she looked back at Jay, and then she whispered, "I'm pregnant."

His eyes went wide just as she knew they would and his lips parted as if he wanted to say something, but he stayed quiet. He pulled his arm away from her waist as he moved to lie on his back and he stared up at the ceiling.

He took in a deep breath and blew it out before he turned his head back to look at Erin. "You're pregnant?"

Erin swallowed hard and nodded at him.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Jay asked her.

"I just found out yesterday at the hospital," Erin said quietly.

Jay moved his eyes back to the celling and took another deep breath. Erin stayed silent as she watched him. She saw the way his jaw tensed. His t-shirt clad chest rose and fell as he breathed. Jay ran a hand over his face and then through his hair, and Erin watched as his Adam's apple bobbed up and then back down several times.

Erin felt the tears slip from her eyes as the realization hit her that she really would ruin his life. The distressed look plastered across his face told her exactly that and it made her cry harder. The last thing he needed was to be dealing with another mess because of her. Erin swallowed another lump in her throat.

"You don't have to worry. I'm not keeping it," she said quietly.

Jay quickly turned his head to face her and looked her in the eyes. "Are you serious?"

Erin forced a smile and nodded. "I'll put the baby up for adoption – once it's born we can forget it even happened and we can move on. You'll be off the hook. No baby. No junkie, baby mama drama ruining your life anymore."

"Move on? Erin, you're pregnant. There's no moving on from that."

"It's just another mistake I've made, I know. I'll take care of everything. You don't have to do anything."

"Erin, that's not – "

Erin shook her head. "I get it. I know that whatever happened between us, it was fun while it lasted, but that's all it was; it was fun. We're two completely different people and you deserve much better than this. Like I said, you have nothing to worry about. It'll all get taken care of."

Jay shook his head and turned his body to face Erin. He draped his arm over her waist again and pulled her towards him so that they lay face to face with one another. He slipped his hand underneath the hem of the hoodie she wore – one he now recognized to be one of his, and then he slipped his hand beneath the fabric of her camisole top. His fingers moved in circles over her lower back and Erin shuddered, feeling goosebumps on her skin.

"Don't do that. Don't try to shut me out. Not now. Especially not now. You're pregnant with my child, our child. This isn't just something that you get taken care of, like an oil change or a gift return. This is a baby, Erin. This is our baby," he told her quietly.

"It's a baby that I don't want. Not now, not with you," she said shaking her head defiantly.

Jay kept his eyes on her and shook his own head. "I know you don't mean that. This is a baby we're talking about. This is our baby, Erin. And maybe it's horrible timing, yeah, but it's not a horrible thing."

Erin sighed and sniffed again through more tears. "I don't know what I want. I thought if I gave it away, if I put it up for adoption that I would be done with it, but Hank said it was a mistake and so did Olivia. Now you're saying it too and I don't know what to do. Tell me what to do, Jay. What do I do?"

Jay moved his hand to Erin's head and ran his fingers through her hair. Erin sniffed again trying to stop more tears falling and he leaned down to kiss her on the top of her head. Jay slid his hand down to her cheek then and pulled his head back to look her in the eyes. "You take it one day at a time and let me help you in any way that I can. You let me help take care of you."

His eyes stayed on hers as he rubbed his thumb over her cheek.

"We'll take it one day at a time," Jay told her once more.

The two stayed huddled together in the bed. Jay returned his hand to Erin's hair and ran his fingers through it once more.

"Have you been eating?" He asked her.

"I ate last night. Chicken and veggies," Erin said quietly.

Jay sighed, relieved. "Good. You think you can handle some breakfast then?"

Erin nodded her head and he pulled his arms from around her to get up from the bed. He met her on the other side and extended his hand out to her. Erin put her hand in his and he helped her stand, but before she could take a step Jay pulled her into his arms. He wrapped his arms around Erin's shoulders and held her against him. His eyes drifted closed as he inhaled her familiar scent wafting from her hair, and he felt her arms move around his waist.

"I'm not going anywhere, ya hear me?" Jay said opening his eyes. He could feel the tears burning in the corners of them and willed the tears not to fall as he gave Erin a gentle squeeze against him. Erin only nodded against the crook of his neck as more tears of her own spilled down her cheeks.

Jay pulled back and kissed Erin's forehead before he used the pads of his thumbs to wipe away Erin's tears. He grabbed her hand and led her out of the bedroom. He kept a tight hold on her hand as they made their way to the kitchen and sat down at the table.

Hank walked towards them carrying two plates and set one down in front of each of them. He brought a pitcher of orange juice over then as Olivia walked out carrying a sleepy Noah. As soon as the toddler saw Erin he wiggled out of Olivia's arms and walked straight to her. He grabbed her sweatshirt and tugged on it.

"And who is this?" Jay asked. He had a smirk on his face as he looked down at Noah, and then back up at Erin.

Erin smiled at the little boy before she reached down and lifted him up into her lap.

"This is Olivia's son, Noah. He likes to cuddle," Erin told him as Noah leaned back into her.

"I can put him in his highchair," Olivia offered.

"It's fine. I don't mind," Erin said looking up at the woman.

"Okay," Olivia smiled. She moved further into the kitchen, and then came back to the table a few minutes later. She handed a sippy cup of milk to Noah and placed a kid's fork down next to Erin's plate before she sat down next to her.

They ate breakfast; Erin sharing her eggs and French toast with Noah. It was relatively quiet until Hank cleared his throat.

"We're gonna get you to a doctor today," Hank said to Erin from his seat across from her.

Erin looked up at him with nervous eyes and Hank shook his head before he cleared his throat to speak again. "For the - for, God. Um..."

"For the baby," Erin clarified.

Hank nodded. "Yeah, for the baby. I guess I'm still trying to wrap my head around it."

"Makes two of us," Erin said.

"I don't know what you two are planning on doing, but – "

"We're keeping the baby," Jay cut in.

"You are?" Hank asked glancing between Erin and Jay.

Erin turned her head to the man beside her and raised her eyebrows at him.

"We're keeping the baby," Jay said again before he reached a hand under the table and squeezed Erin's knee.

"Well, alright then," Hank said as lifted his fork and continued eating.

"One day at a time, remember?" Jay said quietly looking directly at Erin.

Erin swallowed a lump in her throat before she gave a quick nod of her head. "One day at a time."


	9. Chapter 9

Words cannot express how sorry I am for making you wait for this. I want to say thank you to everyone for reviewing and providing your feedback. I really do enjoy reading what you guys liked and didn't like. I'm so happy you like this story. Let me know what you think of this chapter, and thank you to everyone for the birthday & get well wishes. I'm still a bit sick, but not as bad as I was almost two weeks ago. Enjoy this chapter!

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own or have any affiliation with Chicago PD, its characters, writers, cast or crew.

* * *

"This will be a little cool on your skin, but I assure you it will not be painful, alright Miss Lindsay?"

Erin nodded as the female nurse placed a generous amount of nearly clear gel over a portion of her stomach and lower abdomen. She flinched at the coldness, but soon relaxed. Jay sat at her side in a chair with her left hand held between both of his. Erin swallowed as the nurse lifted a piece of equipment from a tray in front of her.

"What's that for?" Erin asked with a nervous twang in her voice.

The nurse held up the small wand-like instrument so both Erin and Jay could get a closer look at it. "This is a transducer probe. I'm going to move it over the areas that I've rubbed the gel solution on to. It is completely non-invasive. It's going to use sound waves to help create a visual image of your baby, as well as the placenta and your uterus."

Erin swallowed nervously once more, but nodded her head. "Okay."

The nurse offered a kind smile before she placed the end of the probe on a gel-covered patch of skin on Erin's stomach. She moved it back and forth slowly, until a grainy image appeared on the screen in the dim lit room. The nurse kept her eyes on the screen and moved the transducer once more, and then a fast-paced thumping filled the room.

"Do you guys hear that?" The nurse asked as she turned her head back to glance between Erin and Jay.

A fast paced thump-thump-thump continued to echo throughout the room, and Erin and Jay both turned their heads towards the screen.

"Is that – is that the baby?" Erin asked.

The nurse nodded. "It is. And it looks like baby isn't playing hide and seek today. Would you like to know the sex?"

"You can tell already?" Jay asked looking at the nurse.

She gave a nod of her head. "Around four months we can usually tell. As long as the baby is in a good viewing position. "

Erin saw the small smile creep onto Jay's face and noticed the way his blue eyes glistened seeming happy. Erin quickly looked away and shook her head. "I don't wanna know."

Jay turned back to Erin and wrinkled his eyebrows. "Why?"

Erin shrugged. "I just don't wanna know right now. Not yet."

Jay sighed and the light that shined in his eyes just moments ago disappeared within seconds. He squeezed Erin's hand that he still held in his and only nodded along with her decision.

"Maybe at your next ultrasound then," the nurse said to the pair trying to diffuse the tension in the air.

Jay nodded once more with a forced smile.

"Everything seems to look good so far. I know you had mentioned the heavy intake of alcohol and there was some narcotics use, but I don't see any abnormalities and the heartbeat is normal at this stage of your pregnancy. The baby is a little smaller than we'd like for it to be at this point, but eating right and drinking plenty of water should help with that. Are you taking prenatal vitamins?"

Erin nodded at the nurse's question and the woman smiled in return. "Good. That'll help with the baby's weight gain as well. I don't have to remind you of the risks of drinking alcohol or smoking cigarettes. Dr. Peterson wrote that she had discussed things with you in her notes when she sent us your previous test results from Bellevue earlier. Do you have any questions right now, Erin?"

"Is the reason I'm not showing yet because of how small the baby is?" Erin asked.

"It could be, but ultimately, every woman and her pregnancy is different. There is no way to predict when you will start showing. Not showing until late into your second trimester or even early into your third trimester is perfectly normal."

"Okay," Erin said quietly.

"Any other questions?" The nurse asked looking between both Jay and Erin. Jay had a peculiar look on his face and his bottom lip pulled between his teeth, but he shook his head along with Erin.

"Alright then. I'll finish up here and get you cleaned up, and then we'll get you out of here. Sound good?"

Erin and Jay both nodded, and the nurse moved along to remove the gel solution from Erin's stomach. She and Jay then left the exam room so that Erin could change back into her clothes from the gown she had been wearing during the ultrasound.

Erin changed quickly back into her jeans and camisole, and pulled the hoodie she wore over her head. She zipped up her black boots, and then walked out of the exam room and headed down the hallway. As she made her way towards the reception area, where she assumed Jay would be waiting, she heard his voice along with her nurse in a nearby room with the door half open. She stepped towards the room and hovered by the door to listen in.

"Is it weird that she's so detached? I mean, is that normal?" Jay asked quietly.

Erin heard the voice of the nurse then. "It could be. Like I said back in the exam room, every woman and her pregnancy is different. I'm assuming this pregnancy was unplanned. Would I be correct Mr. Halstead?"

"Yeah," Jay replied.

"Most of the time a woman in Erin's position just needs reassurance and stability."

"And you're positive that everything is okay with Erin and the baby? Nothing's wrong?" Jay questioned.

"Nothing in the ultrasound sent up a red flag. As I said earlier, the only major concern I have is the baby's weight, which will hopefully increase in the coming weeks. We'll get another look at the next ultrasound, but nothing warrants any serious concern right now. As long as Erin refrains from drinking alcohol and using tobacco, as well as any further recreational drug use, I have no reason to believe that there can't be smooth sailing from this point on."

Erin heard the deep sigh that came then, no doubted from Jay.

"And what if there's a slip up of some kind?" He asked.

"If the drug and alcohol abuse were to persist, then there could be serious damage not only to the infant, but to Erin as well. Liver damage would be the obvious concern, but there could be brain damage as well that could lead to potential neurological disorders for both of them. The alcohol could damage the growth and proper functionality of other organs in the baby especially in utero; whatever Erin consumes, the infant would directly consume as well."

"So what do I do for them?"

"Remember, reassurance and stability. This is highly unprofessional, but does Erin have someone she can talk to that is not so close to the situation? A psychiatrist, someone that specializes in addiction therapy perhaps?"

Jay sighed again. "We're working on it."

"I would highly recommend it if either you or Erin has any doubts whatsoever about her ability to stay sober. Not only for the sake of the pregnancy, but for the sake of her overall wellbeing and her ability to live a healthy lifestyle after the child is born."

"I completely understand, and I agree. But like I said, we're working on it."

Erin swallowed the lump that rose in her throat and stepped away from the door before she was caught. She turned around and walked down the hallway to the reception area. She stood against one wall with her arms crossed over her chest while she waited for Jay. He finally appeared a few minutes later.

"Where were you?" Erin asked.

"Just using the bathroom. You ready to go?"

Erin raised an eyebrow at him. "You were in the bathroom?"

Jay nodded.

"Really?" Erin pressed.

"Yes, I was in the bathroom," he said.

Erin sighed and shook her head at him.

"What? What's wrong?" Jay asked.

"So much for reassurance and stability, huh?"

Erin shook her head again and then stepped away from the wall. She took a step towards the doors to leave, ignoring the deep sigh that came from Jay. She continued to ignore him as he walked at her side, but then stopped when she heard the nurse calling her name. Erin turned and the nurse approached her and Jay with a strip of paper in her hands.

The nurse reached her hand out and offered a small smile. "Your ultrasound photos. You'll want those for a baby book one day."

Erin forced a smile even though she felt the familiar stinging of tears in the corners of her eyes. She reached forward and took the photo strip from the woman in front of her.

"Yeah, maybe one day," Erin said without thinking. She folded the photo strip in her hands and then stuffed it into the interior pocket of her jacket. She forced another smile before she turned on her heel and walked out of the doors.

Nearly an hour later, Erin and Jay returned to Olivia's apartment building after sitting in the back of a cab in stifling silence. The city traffic of Manhattan was most definitely not to be underestimated. Jay quickly paid the cab driver a hefty fare fee with a generous tip, and then followed after Erin inside the building.

"Please talk to me," Jay said to her once they were alone in the elevator car.

Erin continued to ignore him with her arms once again crossed over her chest. Jay sighed with a quick shake of his head as the elevator dinged and the two stepped out onto the third floor.

"Will you please stop with the silent treatment and just talk to me?" Jay pleaded once more as he walked behind her down the hallway, and then followed her inside Olivia's apartment.

"Hey guys. How is everything?" Hank greeted with a small smile as he sat at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.

"Yeah, how'd the doctor's visit go?" Olivia asked as she stood up from the couch.

Erin snorted and shook her head again, feeling fresh tears in her eyes. She pulled the folded strip of ultrasound photos from her jacket pocket and dropped it on the table carelessly. "Why don't you both ask Jay? He seems to enjoy talking about me to other people."

At the sound of Erin's voice, Noah popped his head up and slid down from the end of the couch in the living room. Erin walked past the kitchen table and when the toddler finally spotted her he clapped his hands together and squealed.

Erin glanced at the little boy, but ignored him as the tears started to slip from her eyes. Noah squealed again and followed after her as Erin walked down the hallway, thinking she was playing some sort of game with him. She reached the guest room and shut the door quickly behind her. A moment later, Noah stood in front of the door and began to smack his little hands against the lower half of it.

"Rin!" Noah yelled as he continued to smack his hands against the closed door.

Jay walked towards the little boy and squatted down beside him.

"Rin," Noah whimpered looking up at Jay with tearful brown eyes.

"I'm sorry buddy. Erin's a little upset right now," Jay said to the small boy.

"My Rin," Noah cried again as a few tears rolled down his chubby cheeks. He turned back to the guest bedroom door and smacked his hands against it once more with as much force as his little self could muster. "Rin!"

Olivia walked up to them then and leaned down to pick her son up. She kissed the side of Noah's head and then carried him back to the kitchen. "Come on sweetie. Let's have some lunch. Maybe Erin will cuddle with you later."

Jay heard another whimper from Noah as he and Olivia disappeared down the hallway. Jay stood on his feet and faced the guest bedroom. He leaned against the door and sighed as he heard the sniffling on the other side of it.

Jay raised his hand to the door and knocked. "Erin?"

"Don't you dare come in here," Erin shouted at him through the door.

"Erin, please just talk to me. Or yell at me for all I care. Please."

"Go. Away."

Jay sighed and knocked once more. "Er, please?"

"Go away!" She half-yelled, half-groaned.

Jay sighed dejectedly and turned away from the door to walk back down the hallway.

"What was that all about, Halstead?" Hank asked with his hands on his hips when he saw Jay.

Jay only shook his head and flopped down onto the couch. Hank followed him and sat down beside him, leaning forward with his arms on his knees and his eyes on Jay.

"Jay, what the hell happened?"

"What always happens. I pissed her off," Jay said. He leaned back into the couch and closed his eyes, blowing out a long breath of air.

Hank sighed and ran a hand over the back of his head. "Let me ask you something, Jay."

"What's that?" Jay questioned with his eyes still closed.

"You've said you're not leaving her. You've said you love her."

"And I left her. Thanks for reminding me. Is there an actual question here or do you wanna point out any of my other past mistakes?" Jay snapped, opening his eyes and looking at Hank with an annoyed stare.

Hank glared at him, unblinking. "You've gotten in my good graces, Halstead. Don't make me slap you. My question is, what are you still doing here?"

"What are you talking about, Voight?"

Hank rolled his eyes and pointed towards the hallway. "Stop sulking like a little girl, get up, and get your ass in there."

Jay sighed, shaking his head. "I think that's a bad idea right now."

Hank continued to stare at him with hard eyes. A few moments later Jay shook his head again and stood from the couch. He made his way back down the hallway and took a deep breath as he stood in front of the guest room once again.

Jay took a deep breath, exhaled, and then reached for the door handle. It wasn't locked and he thanked God it wasn't as he turned it completely and pushed the door open enough to peak his head inside. He saw Erin lying above the covers on her side. Her back was to him, but he knew she wasn't sleeping because he could hear her still sniffling back tears. He stepped into the bedroom and closed the door behind him with a soft click, and then walked towards the empty side of the bed. He sat down on the edge of it and turned his body to lie down facing Erin.

He didn't want to touch her and further piss her off, but after nearly ten minutes of silence – save for Erin's soft cries, Jay had, had enough. He moved himself closer towards Erin and reached out his hand. He'd hoped following his previous actions would relax Erin once more as he slipped his hand under his hoodie that she wore and drew lazy patterns over her back. She flinched at the contact, but didn't shrug away or tell him to screw off, so he took it as a good sign and moved closer until he was directly behind her. His hand travelled from Erin's back to rest over her stomach in a gentle hold, while Jay moved his other arm up over the pillows to sink his hand into her hair. He leaned his head down and kissed the back of Erin's head. She sniffled again and turned over then. Jay's hands stayed nestled over her stomach and in her hair, and Erin's eyes met his.

"I wouldn't have been mad at you, ya know."

"What do you mean?" Jay asked her.

"If you had wanted me to get rid of it. Or if you still do and you just don't wanna tell me because you think it'll upset me. I'll have an abortion if that's what you want me to do. If it is, just tell me. I promise, I won't be mad."

Jay quickly shook his head, his eyes locked on hers. "No, you're not having an abortion. No. Please, please don't do that."

Erin shook her head as fresh tears pooled in the corners of her eyes. "Don't tell me not to do it just because of your family's religious background, Jay."

Jay swallowed hard and shook his head again. "This has nothing to do with my religion or what my family believes, Erin. Ending this pregnancy is the absolute last thing that I want."

"But you seemed so upset when I told you. Frustrated. Like the worst possible thing just happened to you."

"I wasn't upset because you told me you were pregnant, Erin. I'm worried about you. About the baby. That's why I was talking to the nurse when you were changing. I didn't wanna make you mad or upset or uncomfortable, especially since I was sure the answers to those questions weren't going to be what either of us wanted to hear. I ended up upsetting you anyway and I'm sorry."

Erin nodded, sniffling back more tears, and then took a deep breath. "Fetal Alcohol Syndrome."

"What?"

"That's what the doctor said at the hospital. Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. If there's something wrong with the baby. If it's sick because of me drinking."

"Erin, you didn't know you were pregnant. You couldn't have – "

"Don't tell me it's not my fault. This is most definitely my fault," Erin told him. She turned away, unable to look him in the eyes for a moment, and stared at the ceiling.

A few silent moments passed until Jay spoke again. "I'm sorry I lied to you at the doctor's office. I shouldn't have done that and I'm sorry."

Erin nodded her head, acknowledging his apology, but still couldn't look at him just yet.

Another several minutes went by as Jay moved his thumb back and forth over Erin's warm skin.

"You're four months along," he said then, so quiet.

"Yeah," Erin mumbled.

Jay exhaled deeply and halted his ministrations over her stomach.

Erin dropped her head to the side then, her eyes roaming over the exhaustion and worry in Jay's face. It reminded her of the way Hank looked the day before; seeing the same look on Jay didn't ease the guilt she felt.

"I didn't sleep with anyone else. If that's what you're wondering or if you've thought about it. I wouldn't sleep with someone else. I mean, I wouldn't do that to you while we were – whatever we were doing."

Jay shook his head at her. "I never said you did. I never thought you did. What I do wanna know though, is how we didn't notice. How didn't we know?"

"That was my first question at the hospital. I never even realized I hadn't gotten my period. The doctor said it was probably because of stress."

Jay nodded and then his thumb started moving over her stomach again. "Were you sick at all?"

Erin shook her head slowly. "Just the other day when I got here. I think that had more to do with me crying so hard, though. You heard the nurse today; every pregnancy is different. That's what they told me at the hospital too."

Jay leaned forward and kissed her forehead. When he pulled back he set his eyes on hers. "It's gonna be okay. I promise you."

He kept one hand on her stomach, thumb still moving in calming circles now, and his other hand still raked slowly through her hair. Erin nodded, but stayed silent, wishing more than anything she could believe his words.


	10. Chapter 10

I am so sorry for making you wait so long for this chapter. I have no excuse, just blatant laziness. Along with the fact that I struggled a bit with this chapter. I wanted to get things moving a bit quicker, but didn't want things to feel so rushed and crazy. Hopefully, I pulled it off somewhat well. I do apologize for any mistakes. As usual, please drop a review and let me know what you think. Enjoy folks!

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own or have any affiliation with Chicago PD, its characters, writers, cast or crew.

 **XXX**

When Jay woke later in the late afternoon he couldn't help the smile that came over him at the sight beside him. Erin was on her back and Olivia's toddler son was lying on top of her. His small, chubby face was nestled against Erin's chest, facing towards Jay and he had a pudgy thumb half-hanging out of his mouth.

Jay glanced at Erin's face and was surprised when his eyes met her open ones.

"Did you sleep at all?" Jay asked her. He lifted a hand from his side and brought it up to rest on the top of Erin's head. He moved his thumb in gentle circles over her forehead, eliciting a soft sigh from Erin's parted lips.

"I did for a little bit," Erin told him a few moments later.

"And when did this little guy come in here?" Jay asked glancing down at Noah. The little boy was still immersed in a deep sleep on top of Erin.

She raised an eyebrow at him. "You jealous of a two year old, Halstead?"

Jay smirked as Erin looked down at Noah. She moved her hand over his small back and a tiny smile appeared on her face.

"He started banging on the door a little after you crashed. When I heard him start crying again I couldn't take it," Erin told him looking back up into his eyes.

"He really likes you," Jay said glancing between Erin and Noah.

Erin nodded keeping a hand on the little boy's back and her eyes on Jay's. "So, when are you leaving?"

"What do you mean? I just got here."

"Yeah, but you can't stay here forever," Erin told Jay.

"Neither can you," he countered.

Erin sighed. "It was just a question, Jay."

"I'm staying here with you," Jay said. He reminded himself there was a sleeping child in the room and kept his voice down.

"You can't do that."

"And why not?" He asked.

"Because your life and your job and your home are in Chicago," Erin said.

"I could say the same for you."

Erin shook her head and swallowed a thick, guilt ridden lump in her throat. "I don't think I can go back there, Jay. At least not yet anyway."

"I'm not leaving you here alone."

"I won't be alone," Erin told him.

Jay sat up in the bed and leaned back against the headboard. He cast his eyes back down to Erin's. "You need me here. I need to be here."

"What I don't need is a babysitter and that's exactly what you'll become if you stay here. And then you'll piss me off and we'll end up fighting."

"Erin-"

"We're already fighting right now. You should go home, Jay," Erin told him looking back down at Noah.

"Erin, please – "

"We can talk later. We shouldn't do this right now with him in here," Erin said as she kept her eyes on the toddler. Jay sighed, but nodded in silent agreement.

Jay watched Erin run her hand over Noah's back. Her eyes drooped every so often and he knew it would only be a matter of time before she fell asleep again. Sure enough, she did just that within a few short minutes. Jay slipped from the bed and left the room, closing the door with a quiet thud behind him. He made his way out into the living room and found Hank on the couch. Olivia was curled up in the recliner; half asleep herself as her eyes struggled to stay open.

"How's she doing?" Hank asked him, nodding to the hallway as Jay sat down beside his sergeant.

Jay shrugged his shoulders. "She and the kid are sleeping."

Hank nodded. "So, you wanna tell me what exactly went down at that doctor's office then?"

"Not really," Jay muttered.

The look on Hank's face told Jay that he didn't really have a choice. He sighed and ran a hand over the back of his head. "She's completely detached from this pregnancy. She didn't wanna know the gender. And then I asked the nurse a few questions in private while Erin was changing and she got pissed off."

"What kind of questions?"

"If Erin and the baby were really okay. Why she seemed so disconnected from it; if it was normal."

"Is it?" Hank asked him.

"The nurse just said that every pregnancy is different and that the only thing I could really do was give Erin reassurance and stability. She also recommended that I have Erin talk to someone that specializes in addiction therapy.

"Well, we're working on that one," Hank told him.

Jay nodded. "That's what I said."

Hank stared at Jay, a peculiar look on his face. "There something else, Halstead?"

"Erin just told me to go back to Chicago," Jay said.

"And I'm guessing you told her no and she didn't like that," Hank said.

Jay sighed. "I can't just leave her here, Hank. Especially now. I can't."

"I know that, but we can't stay here in New York forever either. Furlough isn't a permanent vacation. We have to go back soon."

"Without Erin?" Jay pressed, raising his eyebrows.

"I don't like it either, Jay. But I do trust Olivia. Erin will be taken care of; I have no doubts about that."

Jay shook his head. "I don't like the idea of leaving her. What if something happens and neither of us are here? What if she relapses? What if – "

"Jay, calm down. You're gonna drive yourself crazy with all those what if's. Like you said, one day at a time. You and I both know that forcing her isn't going to get us anywhere. It's her pace we have to move along at. I don't like it just as much as you, but if we don't do it her way we just might lose her completely."

"I hate admitting you're right," Jay said looking back up at Voight.

Hank smirked. "Most people do."

Jay rolled his eyes and leaned forward. He rested his elbows on his knees and his held his head in his hands. He took a deep breath, then blew it out and turned to look back at Hank. "We're really gonna leave her?"

"We don't have much of a choice. Olinsky can't run the unit forever. We have work to do. Like I said, I don't like it, but we still have responsibilities besides Erin and the baby."

Jay sighed. "Can we wait, just a few more days at least?"

"I have to get back to the unit, but I can give you three more."

"Yes, please," Jay said quickly.

Hank leaned forward and clapped Jay's shoulder. "It's settled then. Finish out the week with her and be back by Monday, okay?"

Jay nodded. "Thank you."

Hank waved him off. "Don't mention it."

When Olivia had woken up a little later Hank had filled her in on what was going on. She offered to drive him to the airport, and then she got up to retrieve Noah from the guest bedroom. Hank had gone into the room afterwards to say goodbye to Erin, but since she was still sound asleep he settled for kissing the top of her head. Hank said a quick goodbye to Jay and then soon he, Olivia and Noah were out the door.

Jay made his way down the hall to the guest room and walked in quietly. He stepped towards the empty side of the bed and lied down facing Erin. Her eyes were closed and Jay's arms found their way around her small frame to pull her close against him, scattering her forehead with a few soft kisses as he did so. One of his hands found its way to the dip in her lower back and his fingers moved in soft, simple strokes.

"You asleep?" Jay asked through the silence. He didn't think she was even though her eyes remained closed and her breaths remained even. His arms stayed wound around her body as she was nestled beside him. Jay rested his chin on the top of Erin's head while her face was half-hidden in his chest and her warm breath beat against his skin.

Erin shook her head then to answer his question, and then she moved one of her hands from between them down to his waist. She gripped his t-shirt and held it tightly and Jay kissed the top of her head before he squeezed her against him.

"Are you hungry?"

"Not really," Erin mumbled against him.

"Can you try to eat something anyway, please?"

Erin swallowed and then sighed out a shaky breath. "I'll try."

Jay kissed her once more on the top of her head before he unraveled his arms from around her body. The two got out of the bed and Jay walked to the door. He turned to see Erin reach for something in the nightstand that he couldn't quite make out.

"What's that?" Jay asked as she pulled out what looked to be a pill bottle of some sort. She took the cap off and took one out, and then popped it into her mouth. She chewed slowly as she returned the bottle to the drawer and closed it.

"What was that?" Jay asked her again when she finally met him at the door.

"Prenatal vitamin," Erin told him quietly.

A small smile came over Jay's face as he grabbed her hand and brought it to his lips. He kissed the top of it before releasing her hand, and then turned around to open the door. The two walked out of the bedroom and made their way to the living room.

"Where is everyone?" Erin asked as she looked around. It seemed they were alone.

"Olivia left a little bit ago to take Hank to the airport; she took Noah with her. Hank went in to say goodbye to you, but you were still sleeping. Said he'd call later tonight when he was home."

Erin nodded, but didn't say a word as she took a seat on one end of the couch.

"What are you hungry for? I'll find us a place to order some food from."

"I don't care. You pick," Erin said as she took a seat on the couch.

Jay nodded and pulled his phone out from his front pocket. He walked into the living room and took a seat beside Erin at the vacant end of the couch just as she turned the television on.

A half hour later they were eating take-out from some Thai place a few blocks away. It was quiet between the two until Jay set his food down and glanced at Erin on the other side of the kitchen table.

"I'll be leaving Sunday morning," Jay told her warily.

Erin looked up from the noodles in front of her and locked eyes with the man across from her. It was a look he couldn't quite describe; as if she might ask him to stay a bit longer or tell him she would leave with him, but she said nothing. Instead, Erin just nodded and mumbled out an "okay" before she went back to eating. She kept her eyes down and when she finished her food she discarded the carton and made her way back to the guest room. She ignored the deep sigh she heard Jay breathe out and slipped into the room, and under the covers.

 **XXX**

The next few days passed by far too quickly for Jay's liking. When the time came Sunday morning for him to leave, Jay said a quick goodbye to Olivia and her son. When he turned to face Erin he held her in a tight embrace, not wanting to let her go.

"I'll call you when I get back to Chicago. I'll call you every day, alright? Please don't shut me out, Erin," he said into her ear as he tightened his arms around her shoulders.

Erin only nodded against him unsure of what to say to him. When Jay released her and pulled away he quickly kissed her forehead. "Don't forget how much I care about you. How much you mean to me, okay?"

She nodded again without saying a word and with one last look over his shoulder Jay picked up his duffle bag and walked out of the apartment. Only when the door clicked closed did Erin feel the tears leave her eyes.

 **XXX**

Two weeks had passed since Jay left New York. Each day that passed became less difficult to deal with, but Erin still felt that all too familiar urge inside of her. The ache in her bones, the shake of her hands; the withdrawal had set in and left, but Erin seemed to be almost struggling with not being able to drink any alcohol.

Olivia had been a lifesaver though; she had called in a personal favor to Lieutenant Murphy who had agreed to run things for Benson at the Special Victim's Unit. It gave Olivia the time to really be there for Erin. All of the booze was thrown out. Olivia's words had been, "It's a sacrifice I'll make happily if it helps you get better."

Another person who had been there, probably without even really meaning to, was Noah. The two year old tot seemed to never leave Erin alone. It was almost as if the kid knew the woman was struggling. From the time he woke up to the time he went to bed all Noah wanted was to be around Erin. She would help Olivia feed and bathe him, and when nap time and bed time came it was all about the cuddling.

Still, something felt out of place and Erin was sure she knew what it was, but she didn't want to admit it. Not out loud anyway.

"You were crying in your sleep again last night."

Erin looked up from her cup of decaf – she couldn't drink the real stuff because of her partner's baby growing inside of her, and saw Olivia's eyes on her from across the kitchen.

"What?"

"I heard you. The pills don't seem to be helping you. We should get you to a doctor," Olivia said to her.

Erin shook her head before she took another sip from her coffee mug. "I'm fine."

"You're not fine. Have you considered talking to someone now? It might not be a bad idea, ya know?"

Erin remained quiet, tearing her eyes from Olivia's hard gaze, and looked down at her hands. "I talk to Jay every day. He calls like clockwork. And I've talked to Hank a few times. Isn't' that enough?"

Olivia shook her head. "You know it's not. You're doing better, but you're still so closed off, Erin. You won't talk about the baby. I got you those pregnancy books last week and they're still sitting behind the guest bedroom door in the Barnes and Noble bag."

"I'm just trying to wrap my head around it still," Erin said quietly, raising the mug to her lips once more.

Olivia sighed before she walked towards the table and sat down next to Erin. The older woman reached a hand out and placed it on top of Erin's as she brought the mug back down to the table's surface. "Erin, that's not it at all and you know it. There's something you're not talking to me about. And I know you don't talk to Jay about it because he asks me every day how you're _really_ doing. He's worried about you. We all are. You've gotten through the withdrawal and we are so proud of you for that, but there's something that's eating at you. You've gotta talk to us. You've gotta talk to someone."

Erin nodded, knowing full well that Olivia was right, but she couldn't talk about it. Not now and certainly not to Jay, or any of them really.

"I kind of miss home, " Erin admitted then looking up at Olivia. "I kind of miss Jay and Hank. It feels weird not being around them."

Olivia nodded. "That's understandable. They're your family. Do you wanna go home, Erin?"

Erin shrugged. "I don't know."

"It's either a yes or a no, sweetheart."

"I do," Erin admitted, "But I'm scared. What if I screw up again?"

"You will be surrounded by people that want to help you. Don't push any of us away, not now. Not after everything that you've been through. Not after all of the things you've already achieved."

Erin sniffled and pulled her bottom lip between her teeth, trying not to cry yet again. She kept her eyes on Olivia and sniffled once more. "Would you come with me? At least for a few days maybe? I understand if you can't, but you just, I don't know. You make things seem easier, and –"

Olivia smiled and squeezed Erin's hand, effectively silencing her. "Of course I'll come with you, Erin."

 **XXX**

It had been a slow day in Intelligence and a slow few weeks for Jay Halstead since he'd left New York fourteen days ago. He couldn't get Erin off of his mind; she seemed to take over his every thought of nearly every day. But she wasn't just his partner or ex-partner anymore; Erin Lindsay was the mother of his child. A child that was unplanned, yes, but as each day passed Jay became more and more excited for what the future held for him and Erin. He loved her. He was _in_ love with her. He knew it. He felt it. The only problem was convincing her of the fact and getting her back to her normal self. He felt a smile on his face at the mere thought of her and reached for his phone, wanting to send her a text message.

Just as he pulled his phone out of the front left pocket of his jeans, Jay heard a familiar creak on the hardwood. He looked up then at the sound of footsteps on the stairs. He did a double take and when he was sure he wasn't hallucinating he nearly jumped up from his desk. He quickly walked the few steps to where Erin Lindsay stood at the front of the bullpen.

"What are you doing here? Are you okay? Is everything alright? Is it the – "

"I'm fine," Erin told him, quickly cutting him off. She wasn't ready for anyone else to know she was knocked up by him, especially when she was still somewhat processing all of it herself.

"Lindsay? Oh man, it is you! Where the hell have you been?"

Erin looked over Jay's shoulder to see a smirking Ruzek and wanted to roll her eyes, but she refrained. She swallowed nervously when she realized the rest of the team had taken note of her presence. Dawson and Atwater looked on in stunned silence, Kim gave a warm, yet unsure smile, and Alvin quickly tipped his hat to her with a wink; she was certain Voight had already told him a few things, but Erin definitely wasn't up to dealing with a hundred different questions from everyone. She was suddenly regretting her decision in coming home.

Jay half turned and glared at his colleague. "Shut up, Ruzek!"

When Jay looked back at Erin standing in front of him he saw the uneasy expression on her face.

"Erin?" He asked. His voice was just above a whisper, but it pulled her out of her deprecating thoughts. When she looked up at Jay he gave her a small half-smile.

"Come on," Jay said to her. He reached down between them and grabbed her right hand in his left, and then led her through the pen. He dropped her hand as they entered the breakroom and he closed the door behind her.

"I can't believe you're really here; that you're back. Not gonna lie, I thought it would be a bit longer before I saw you in this city again, let alone this district to be completely honest," Jay told her.

Erin nodded. "Makes two of us."

"What made you come back then?" Jay asked.

Erin swallowed nervously again and ran her tongue over her bottom lip before she looked up and locked eyes with Jay. "Olivia convinced me that it might not be such a bad idea to talk to someone. Really talk to someone. After you and Voight left, I dunno. It felt like something was missing. I didn't feel very safe. I can't sleep at night, even with the pills now. Since you left, I just don't know. Olivia said it was probably my subconscious trying to tell me something, so I thought that maybe it was time to come home."

"I'm glad you came back. You have no idea how happy I am to see you," Jay told her with another small smile.

She smiled back as best as she could. Her nerves were still jumbled and she felt so out of place there in the breakroom, despite how many great moments they had shared together in the small space.

"I noticed Voight wasn't in his office. Where's he at?" Erin asked a moment later.

"He got a phone call earlier. He's been gone a few hours now," Jay told her, briefly glancing at his watch.

"I figured he'd be here. I was kinda hoping he'd let me stay with him for a while until I can get back on my feet," Erin said before she pulled her bottom lip between her teeth.

"What's wrong with your apartment?" Jay asked with a single raised eyebrow.

"I'm sure the super gave it to someone new by now. I haven't been there in a while. I haven't really been keeping up with the rent either."

"Voight and I have kind of been taking care of that for you," Jay said cautiously.

Erin's eyes widened and she almost took a step back, but she held her ground. "What?"

"Your rent is up to date, all your utilities too. You can go home whenever you want. The place is still yours."

Erin shook her head, trying to process what he'd just told her. The familiar ache of guilt returned and so did the sting of tears in the corners of her eyes.

"You didn't have to do that. You shouldn't have actually," she told him quietly, unable to look up at him.

Jay stepped forward, closing the remaining bit of space between them and reached for both of Erin's hands. He squeezed them in his, but she still wouldn't look up at him.

He sighed. "I don't care about the money, Erin, if that's what you're worried about. It's not important. All I care about is you. Same goes for Voight. So, don't over think it. Just let us help you, alright?"

Erin swallowed hard, but nodded before she pulled her hands out of his. "You and him seem awfully close. Paying my bills. Having dinner. You were with him the other night when you called. I heard him in the background."

"Voight's not so bad. He's pretty easy to talk to actually," Jay chuckled, hoping he hadn't upset her. He just wanted to help.

"You realize that now," Erin mumbled.

"What?" Jay asked, not hearing her.

Erin forced a smile and shook her head. "Nothing. Um, I guess I'll head home then."

"I'll drive you," Jay offered.

Erin immediately shook her head again. "You don't have to. You're working and besides, Liv is downstairs with Noah."

"Olivia came with you?"

"She wasn't about to let me come here alone," Erin told him.

"No, I – that's good. I'm glad she didn't. I'll walk you down," he said to her.

Erin shook her head. "You don't have to. I just came to see Voight. I'll give a call later."

A look of hurt came over Jay's face, but he nodded anyway. "Okay. If you need me or anything, just, yeah. You know."

"I know. I'll see ya later," Erin said to him before she turned around. She stepped away from Jay, disregarding the feeling in her gut, and then walked out of the breakroom.

Erin ignored the looks from her old unit and made her way towards the top of the stairs. She tried to ignore the familiar pair of eyes she felt on her back, but before Erin took the first step down she turned her head. Her hazel eyes met green and before she realized what she was doing Erin had walked back across the bullpen. She took quick steps through the open doorway of the breakroom and then wrapped her arms around Jay's shoulders.

"I missed you," she whispered into his neck.

A wide smile took over Jay's face as he quickly wrapped his own arms around Erin's waist. Her stomach was still as flat as ever – not having "popped" yet and Jay gave a gentle squeeze as he held her against him.

"I missed you, too," Jay told her softly.

"I meant what I said," Erin said once she pulled back to look at him.

His eyes questioned her intent and she swallowed nervously. "About talking to someone. I'll do it."

"You're sure?" Jay asked her.

Erin shook her head. "No, but I know that I have to."

Jay gave her a small smile before he pulled her back into his arms. He hugged her tight and whispered into her ear, "You're not alone. You are not alone in this. You hear me?"

She nodded against him, trying to keep her tears from falling. They fell anyway and when she sniffled into Jay's neck he only held her tighter.

 **XXX**

"I feel like a failure sitting here, Jay."

"You're not a failure, Erin. You're getting help. That's not failure; it's the bravest thing you could do. Most people can't even admit they have a problem. You're gonna be okay. You have a lot of people that care about you. We're gonna help get you through this. I'll be right out here when you're done, alright?" Jay told her.

"Okay," Erin said quietly with a nod.

Jay leaned over where she sat beside him and kissed her on the side of her head just as a white door swung open some feet in front of them. Erin looked up, recognizing an older man with greying hair on his head and thin-framed glasses that rested along the bridge of his nose.

"Hello, Erin. I'm glad you stopped by today," the man said softly with a kind smile.

Erin forced a smile of her own through the tears she felt in her eyes and stood from the chair she had been sitting in for the last fifteen minutes.

She glanced at Jay who gave her one last reassuring smile and then she stepped towards the man standing in the open doorway. "Hi, Dr. Aldman."


	11. Chapter 11

Here is the newest chapter. I hope you like it. My apologies for any mistakes. Be sure to drop a review and let me know what you think. I love the feedback. Enjoy!

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own or have any affiliation with Chicago PD, its characters, writers, cast or crew.

* * *

"How are you today, Erin?"

Erin shrugged at the man who sat in the chair across from her. "I'm okay, I guess."

"Is that the truth?"

Erin took a quick breath as she fiddle with the sleeve of Jay's black hoodie. "I'm trying to be okay."

The man nodded. "That's all you can do each day. Try. You being here shows that you want to get better. You showing up each and every time is what matters most."

Erin nodded along, swallowing nervously. She'd been seeing Dr. Aldman twice a week now for almost the last month since she had come back home to Chicago. The older man was just as she remembered, too; gentle voice, eyes that saw you rather than only looking at you, an approachable disposition that didn't make Erin as nervous as some of the things he asked. He asked her the tough questions and didn't let her avoid answering them. He wasn't afraid to dive into the deep, but Erin was; she'd underestimated his abilities with his old age.

"Have you been drinking?" He asked. He held a black fountain pen in his left hand and a yellow legal laid on his crossed knee.

Erin shook her head.

"That's the truth?"

"I haven't had a sip in over a month. Not since I found out I was pregnant," she asserted.

"What about the cocaine?" He asked her.

Erin shook her head again. "Nothing. No drinking. No drugs. Not even a cigarette."

"When was the last time you felt the need for something so illicit?"

"Not being able to drink is what I'm struggling with the most. I didn't feel like I was addicted to the coke, but I know I was. I just want a drink so bad. Something. I keep having to remind myself of what's at stake if I do something that I'm not supposed to."

"And what's at stake?"

"The baby," Erin said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"Just the baby?"

"That's the only thing that matters right now," Erin said quietly looking down at her hands in her lap.

"Why do you say that?"

Erin looked back up at the old doctor and shrugged her shoulders. "Because I feel like if I start to think about the rest of it then I might slip again."

"That is quite understandable, Erin, but we are going to have to talk about what got you to this point. It's been a month. We've had eight sessions now and not once have we truly delved into the trigger that brought on the alcohol and substance abuse. Those aren't just things that happen. All of us have a trigger. Some of us have more than one. So, tell me. What triggered this?"

Erin sighed as she looked up from her lap and across the room at Dr. Aldman. She'd been successful in dodging all of his questions about how she got here, but he was pressing her now. He wanted to know about her, about Nadia.

"Why don't you start from the very beginning," Dr. Aldman suggested.

Erin stayed quiet, holding her bottom lip between her teeth.

Dr. Aldman sighed, readjusting the glasses on the bridge of his nose. It wasn't easy getting her to open up fifteen years ago either. "I know it's because of Hank that you're here, Erin. He is the one that called me in the first place. He didn't tell me much other than he was worried you were slipping through the cracks. He tried to pull you out, but you fought against it."

Erin nodded slowly, releasing her lip from her teeth. "I was fighting it. I kept telling myself I was fine even when I started going downhill again. Went to the bar, had a few beers. Then a few turned into too many, and then just one more, and after that I started drinking right from the bottle. When the booze stopped working…when it wouldn't let me forget, I found another way."

"With the drugs," the older gentleman said softly.

Erin nodded feeling embarrassed of her actions now that her head had become much clearer. She'd made a mess of her life again. "I spiraled down. Like when I was younger and Voight found me on the streets."

"Tell me about it, Erin. Tell me what caused this."

Erin took a few shaky breaths. She couldn't tip toe around it anymore. The last month or so she'd be able to, but now the doc wasn't being lenient. He wanted the answers only Erin could provide. She glanced at the mantle clock sat on the edge of the doctor's desk; she still had thirty minutes left in her session. There was no way she could avoid it any longer.

Erin breathed in deeply and blew out shakily. "Her name was Nadia."

"And who was Nadia?" Dr. Aldman asked.

Erin already felt tears stab her in the eyes. "She was my friend. She was my friend and I got her killed. I busted her a while back for hooking, for drugs. She reminded me of what I was like when Voight first got to me. Strung out. High as a kite. She was using the hard stuff like I was, just trying to survive ya know?"

"What happened to her?" He pressed.

"A couple months ago, my unit caught a heavy case. The guy we were after had been sexually assaulting and killing women all over the country for the last decade. He saw her, Nadia, in our district, in our office when we brought him in for questioning. I ran my mouth and pissed him off. He kidnapped her. He uh, he took my car and drove from here to New York."

"What did he do to her, Erin?"

Erin sniffed back tears, but they fell against her will. She wiped at them with the back of her sleeve, but more fell and she had to take another quick breath before she continued.

"He mutilated her and beat her. He raped her and when he killed her, he dumped her body in a shallow grave on some beach like she was nothing, but a piece of garbage. And I tried to be okay. I tried. I tried working through it, but I couldn't. I just – I couldn't. I keep having these dreams. These nightmares when I try to sleep. I hear her voice begging me to save her and then asking me why I didn't. 'Help me, Erin. Why didn't you save me, Erin?' I hear it all the time and I can't make it stop. I tried going back to my apartment, the one her and I lived in together and I couldn't handle it. I freaked out. I've been staying at Voight's since then."

"Have you mentioned having trouble sleeping to anyone else?"

Erin shook her head. "I told Olivia I was having trouble sleeping because of Jay, and yeah he's part of it, but most of the time it's Nadia haunting me. I let her down. I killed her."

"We'll get in to the Jay portion soon enough, but one thing you need to understand is that you didn't kill her, Erin. You did not kill Nadia. The actions of another person do not fall on you. You can't blame yourself for something that was never in your control."

"It was my stupid birthday," Erin mumbled.

"But you told me this man had been hurting women all over the country. Is that right?"

Erin nodded.

"Most people of that caliber have a certain type of person that they prey on. Did this guy?"

Erin shrugged. She had never really thought about it before. "I guess, yeah. Now that I think about it. Brunette, nice smile, slender build, friendly enough."

"Was that who Nadia was?"

Erin took a second and the realization of his statement claimed her face. She nodded. "You think he would have gone after her anyway."

Dr. Aldman leaned forward in his chair. He laid his left arm down on the chair's arm rest and held his head in the curve of his palm between his thumb and pointer finger. His old ocean eyes stayed on Erin as he spoke. "In this specific case, I'd say it's very likely given the heinous nature of this man's crimes. A person like that who is so obsessed with overpowering others and inflicting pain upon them – it's not a type of person easily understood. This man killed your friend, Erin. He took her from you. He took her from everyone whose lives she impacted while she was on this earth. Her life was not in your hands, and her death is not a burden for you to carry alone on your own shoulders."

He opened his mouth to speak again, but a low sounding timer went off. He looked to his left. "It seems we are out of time for today, but Erin, this is very good. You talking about what happened and letting someone in on the demons you have in your head. It's a brave thing to talk about something so terrifying and in doing so it can only help you. You will get passed this. You will be okay."

 **XXX**

"How'd it go?" Jay asked as Erin sat down in the passenger seat of the Chrysler.

Erin slammed the door. "Fine."

Jay sighed, gripping the steering wheel tightly, as Erin buckled her seatbelt. "Just fine?"

"What do you want me to say?" She asked him, looking over at him.

"Maybe something more than fine. You say that after every visit."

"Do you want me to lie to you and tell you everything is wonderful and that I feel great, that my craziness is all cured?"

"I just want you to talk to me," Jay said quietly.

"I do enough talking two hours a week with the shrink. I don't wanna talk about the same thing over and over again. Just leave it alone."

Jay sighed again as he turned the key in the ignition. "Are you coming back to the district with me or am I taking you to Voight's?"

"Why would I go to the district?" Erin asked.

Jay shrugged. "I have no idea. Voight told me he had something he wanted to discuss with you in person. Said he called you."

Erin looked down at her phone, pressing the power button on the side. "My phone was off. Guess I'll tag along with you."

Jay only nodded and didn't speak another word. He noticed Erin glance at him every so often out of his peripheral, but he didn't utter a sound. What could he say? She wouldn't talk about how therapy was going. She wouldn't talk about the pregnancy, or the baby itself, in any regard. He could just ask her how her day was going and she'd be annoyed; roll her eyes, let out a deep sigh and give him the ever so popular "fine" as her only response. Jay could still feel Erin's eyes on him, almost like she was daring him to say something to her despite him not even looking at her. He wouldn't say a word though and he didn't for the entire twenty minutes it took for him to drive to the district.

Jay killed the engine as soon as the car was in park at the back of the district building, and then he and Erin got out and made their way around to the front entrance. Jay stepped ahead of her to open the door and followed in after her once she stepped inside. He nodded his head in greeting to Platt as they passed the front desk, and the woman nodded back, offering a tight-lipped smile as she followed Erin and Jay up the stairs with her eyes.

Once they reached the bullpen Erin headed straight for Voight's office. The team had quickly learned to not say a word to her unless she initiated a conversation – which didn't exactly happen. The room remained in complete silence as Jay sat down at his desk. He felt someone's eyes on him then. When he looked up he caught sight of Antonio, who looked on from his own desk across the room and raised his eyebrows in concern. Jay just shook his head and turned back to his computer as he logged into the system. He quickly glanced up at Voight's office just as Erin had entered and closed the door behind her.

"Halstead said you wanted to talk to me," Erin said as she took a seat in front of Hank.

Hank nodded and leaned forward in his chair to rest his elbows on his desk. "I tried calling you. How'd the doc go?"

"Yeah, my phone was off. It was fine. Just like it always is. What's up?"

"I wanted to run something by you," he said.

Erin raised a single eyebrow and looked at him, waiting. "Are you gonna tell me what it is or are you gonna make me guess?"

Hank rolled his eyes at her attitude even though he was used to it by now. "I want you to work a desk up here in Intelligence. Answer the phones. Do the filing. Pick up the administrative slack. I know you need to work, but you don't really let anyone inside that head of yours so I don't know what your plans are exactly."

Erin swallowed hard. "You mean Nadia's job?"

Hank nodded.

"Are you sure it's not because you just wanna keep an eye on me?"

He shrugged. "That too."

"I'm already staying at your place. Isn't that enough?"

"Don't try to pin that on me, Erin. That was your idea. Jay offered his place when you couldn't go back to your apartment. You turned him down. And you need to work. Keep yourself busy. So, what do you think?"

Erin sighed. "Are you actually giving me a choice or is it a moot point?"

"It's just an idea. You're gonna do what you want anyway."

"You tell the others?" Erin asked him, as she half-turned and peeked through the open blinds.

"I thought it'd be better if you made the announcement. They all miss you, ya know?"

Erin turned back to face Hank and gave a short nod. "Do they know?"

Hank stared blankly. "About?"

Erin cleared her throat, glancing down to the floor and then back up to his eyes. "The baby."

Hank shook his head. "That's not my news to tell. Jay hasn't said anything either, even though he's more excited about this pregnancy than I would have ever imagined him to be. You should cut the guy some slack, ya know."

Erin swallowed hard and forced a smile. "I guess I'll let the cannon loose then. About the job I mean. I'm not ready for the rest of it. Not yet."

Hank nodded and gave her a reassuring smile. "Let's do it then, kid."

The two walked out of the office, causing everyone to stop what they were doing and stare. Hank looked between everyone, looked at Erin briefly, and then looked back out at his unit.

"Erin's got an announcement to make," he said before he stepped back and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

Everyone waited with curious eyes as Erin stepped forward and took a deep breath. She swallowed nervously as she glanced between everyone she used to talk to every day, suddenly scared of returning to this place.

"I um, I – I'm sorry. I uh, I know I've screwed up lately. I've let a lot of you down and I'm really sorry for that. I promise I'm trying to keep my head straight. Um, and I was uh – I was wondering if it's okay with all of you if I come up and work a desk. Obviously I'm not working out in the field any time soon, but uh, I'd be here to help you guys with paperwork or whatever you need, and – "

"Welcome back," Antonio cut her off, smiling at her.

Erin looked across the pen at him and found herself smiling back. Antonio walked out from behind his desk and took the few steps towards her before he pulled her into a quick hug. Erin reciprocated the gesture and when Antonio pulled away she looked him in the eyes.

"Thank you," Erin whispered.

Antonio nodded, smiling at her once more, before he returned to his desk. The rest of the unit approached her with smiles and quick hugs, almost overwhelming her, but Erin kept her cool and remained calm. Jay was the only one who was yet to say a word to her, and even though Erin noticed she pretended not to. It was easier to avoid the ache in her chest that way.

Jay kept his eyes off of her, knowing that if she caught him staring she'd blow up at him. He was finding it more and more difficult every day to just be around her. Like he was ruining her life almost.

"Halstead!"

Erin and Jay both jumped out of their dazed minds, and turned at Hank's voice just as the sergeant nodded in the direction of his office. Erin watched on as Jay got up from his desk and walked past her without a word or a glance. He kept his eyes straight ahead and when he entered Hank's office he closed the door behind him.

"What's up, Serg?" Jay asked.

"Just checking in on you. Didn't say too much out there. You alright?" Hank asked as he took a seat in his chair.

Jay sat down in front of Hank and rested his elbows on his knees. "I'm good."

"That doesn't sound too convincing, Jay."

"I'm just worried about her," Jay sighed, turning slightly to glance out into the pen. Erin was engaged in a conversation with Alvin. It seemed like nothing had changed when in fact everything had completely flipped upside down.

"Have you talked to her?" Hank asked.

Jay shook his head. "She won't talk to me. Not really. She's completely icing me out. I'm quickly learning that it's easier if I just don't say anything to her at all. At least she's talking to the shrink."

"That shrink will only get her so far though. She'll open up eventually."

"I sure hope you're right about that," Jay said.

"Welcoming her back would be a good start. Don't ice her out in the process of her doing it to you. Ya know what I mean?"

Jay nodded, and then Hank did as well. "Alright. Get out of here. Get back to work."

"Yes, sir," Jay said, standing on his feet. He left the office and glanced at Erin, who was now standing off to the side by what used to be Nadia's desk. Her arms hung limp at her sides and her eyes were transfixed on the wooden surface in a hard, unblinking stare.

Jay took a deep breath before he strode towards her and reached for Erin's hand before he could think twice on it. She jumped at the contact, but calmed almost instantly when she looked up and saw Jay standing at her side.

"You'll be okay. I'm glad you're back," he told her quietly, lacing their fingers together and squeezing her hand.

Erin remained quiet, but gave a light squeeze to his fingers and turned her eyes back to the desk in front of her. Jay released her hand after a few moments when she didn't say anything and turned on his heel. He sat down in his chair, keeping his eyes on the work in front of him and ignored the sinking feeling he had in his chest.


	12. Chapter 12

Hi guys! I apologize for the delay, but I was dealing with stuff over the weekend and I think I might have changed my mind about four or five times with how to go about with this chapter. Hopefully everyone likes it, and if you don't, well, I don't know what to tell you. I tried. Apologies for any mistakes. It's a long one, so there are probably several typos somewhere. Enjoy! As always let me know what you think!

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own or have any affiliation with Chicago PD, its characters, writers, cast or crew.

 **XXX**

"Tell me about Jay, Erin."

"What about him?"

"You've mentioned his name several times since you started coming for sessions. Last week you brought up your sleeping troubles and said he was part of it. Explain what you meant. Who is he?"

Erin sighed. "Jay is my partner from Intelligence, or at least he was my partner before everything happened and I quit the unit."

"And how is part of your sleeping troubles?"

"While he was with me in New York I guess I slept better with him next to me."

"So is that all he is to you then? A former colleague?"

Erin shrugged. "What else is there?"

"Erin, I'm a psychiatrist. I know how to read people. Just the mention of his name and your eyes darted to the left and you looked down to the floor."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"It tells me that he means something to you. That you were visiting a memory. Not to mention the simple fact that you are pregnant and he's the only man besides Hank that you've mentioned in any of our conversations. Why don't you share the memory with me, Erin?"

Erin shook her head. "It's not important."

Dr. Aldman smiled. "Must be important if just the mention of him triggered an emotional response."

Erin sighed again. "I was thinking...I was remembering the night it all changed for us."

"How so?"

"Voight has rules in his unit. One of them is no in-house romance. I was given the opportunity to lead a task force for the Feds a while back, so I took it. The first case I got was a tough one though. I was frustrated and doubting myself. The night after we closed the case I was supposed to do a press conference with a fellow agent, but I bailed."

"Why?" Dr. Aldman asked her.

"Flashing cameras and getting my picture in the paper has never really been my style, doc. So I left the office and I ended up at Jay's place."

"And?"

Erin raised her eyebrows at him. "And what? You're a smart man, Dr. Aldman. I'm sure you can probably figure the rest out on your own."

Dr. Aldman rolled his eyes. "I see the sassy teenager is still there of inside you."

Erin cracked a smile.

"I don't need any specifics, Erin, but tell me how you felt. Did you feel like it was wrong? Do you regret it?"

"Do you mean then or now?" Erin wondered.

The doctor shrugged. "Both."

Erin pulled her bottom lip between her teeth as memories of the last few years working with Jay flashed through her mind. She released her lip and took a deep breath as she looked up at Dr. Aldman and locked eyes with the man. "Jay is – was my partner. I trusted him. I depended on him, maybe even a bit too much. He was my friend, my best friend. Honestly, he still is. I knew there was something. There were some sort of unspoken feelings between us, and when it wasn't against the rules anymore we acted on it. And it was great for a while. It felt good to finally be with him in the ways I had wanted to be, more than anything. It wasn't wrong then and I don't think I regret it, but if I could go back and do it differently I think I might go to that press conference."

"Why do you say that?"

"I think Jay and I got way too close, too fast. Closer than partners should be. We became physically involved, emotionally involved. I got pregnant and didn't realize it. Nadia died and I lost it. I quit the unit."

"It sounds to me like you're almost blaming Jay for your spiral. Is that it?"

Erin quickly shook her head. "No, no, that's not it at all. That's not what I meant. I don't blame Jay. I blame myself. I knew he was into me, and I let it happen between us. And now after everything else that's happened I've realized what a mistake it was to get so close to him. Maybe I should have just kept my distance, kept things professional. Maybe if I had he wouldn't be hurting right now."

"How do you know he's hurting, Erin?"

"I see it every time I look at him," Erin said.

"See what?"

"The pain in his eyes when he looks at me. The worry on his face. I don't want him to worry so much about me, but it's not like he'd listen to me even if I were to say something to him."

"Why's that?"

"Jay cares. Maybe even more than he should honestly. He's said he loves me, and I just…I don't know."

"Do you feel the same for him as he feels for you?"

Erin sighed, shrugging her shoulders. "Yeah, I do, or at least I thought I did, but I can't tell him that."

"Why not?"

Erin swallowed hard, trying to suppress the tears in her eyes from falling. "Because he deserves better. I don't want him settling for me just because I'm pregnant. He shouldn't have to do that. He doesn't need this. He doesn't need me making a mess of his life."

"From what you've told me so far, it seems to me that if Jay didn't wanna be around then he wouldn't be, Erin. Have the two of you talked about the pregnancy? About how different things will be once the baby comes?" Dr. Aldman asked her.

Erin shook her head. "We haven't really talked about it at all actually."

"May I ask why?"

"Because I don't want to. Everyone – Jay, Hank, Liv, they keep telling me that if I get rid of the baby that it would be a mistake. That I would regret it, but what if I were to regret keeping it more? So I just don't talk about it. I try not to anyway because if I don't talk about it then it's almost as if it's not real, ya know?"

"But it is real, Erin. It is extremely real. You have to talk about it."

"It terrifies me. The thought of bringing another person into this world."

"Why do you say that, Erin?" Dr. Aldman asked.

"You know about my past. How I didn't have a mom growing up. The only time Bunny paid any attention to me was when she needed money to score or she had a mess for me to clean up. I promised myself that I would never be like her. And I ended up breaking that promise. I know that I'm talking to you and I'm getting help I need, but I'm still scared that I'll slip up again. That I'll become even more like her and I don't wanna do that. I don't wanna do what she did. I don't wanna fail."

"Do you want this child, Erin?"

Erin shrugged as more tears fell from her eyes. "I know what everyone else wants, if that counts for anything. Jay keeps saying to take things one day at a time. He says he wants me to keep it, but I just…I don't know anymore. I don't know if I can."

"Because of your mother?"

Erin nodded, wiping under her eyes with a shaky hand. "I'd mess up. I know I would. I'd end up doing exactly what she did and the kid would hate me. But if I don't keep it then Jay will hate me too, and Hank will be disappointed again. They'll tell me what a mistake it was and I don't wanna make any more mistakes. I don't wanna keep disappointing everyone."

Dr. Aldman sighed, and set his notepad and pen down on the table in front of him. He handed a box of Kleenex to Erin and she took them gratefully. "Erin, no one can force you to do something you don't want to do or something you're not completely comfortable with doing. Regardless of the situation. Only you can decide what is best for you. Others may intercede and offer their opinion, but it's you that has to make the decisions in your life, no one else."

He glanced at the clock on his desk and looked back at Erin as she wiped under her eyes with a tissue. "We have just a few minutes left for today. I'd like you to do something for me, Erin."

"What's that?" She asked him.

"The things you've opened up about are struggles within yourself that you shouldn't have to face alone, and I don't believe you want to. I can understand why you're scared, the fears you have, but I would like for you, if you feel comfortable doing so of course, to choose someone that you know you can trust and talk to them. Let them in on the demons you're facing. Whether it is in fact Jay, or maybe Hank or Olivia. Someone else you used to work with perhaps. Choose someone and talk to them. Update them. Let them in on your life."

"What if I can't?" Erin asked fiddling with the tear stained tissue between her fingers.

"I don't think it's a question of your ability, Erin. I think it's more about your vulnerability."

When Erin didn't say anything, Dr. Aldman kept his eyes on her and continued. "Maybe this pregnancy is, in fact, a blessing in disguise, Erin. Maybe it's the push you need to really straighten things out and make smart choices, healthy choices. It's an opportunity to live your live again and live it the way you're most happy, Erin."

"I don't need a baby to be happy, Dr. Aldman."

He chuckled. "I know, but as I've told you, it is a decision only you can make. You've still got time. Who knows where your head could be a few months from now, even a few hours from now. I do understand your concerns though, Erin. I know this is still new to you right now and it's terrifying, but you can't be so hard on yourself. You can't be so hard on those around you either. They are just trying to help you after all. My recommendation is to try talking to Jay first. Talk about your doubts, your fears. Let him in, Erin, even if it's just a little bit."

 **XXX**

Erin pulled the door open of the Chrysler and sat down in the front passenger's seat. She buckled her seatbelt and then Jay turned the key in the ignition. It had become a routine every Monday and Friday at eleven in the morning for him to drop her off at Dr. Aldman's office downtown, and then he would pick her up one hour later. In the beginning he would drop her off at Voight's house, but since she had started working back at the district again that's where they would go.

Except today was different. Today, Erin had another ultrasound and Jay would be going with her. She was fiddling with her hands again and glanced up to look at him in the driver's seat. He kept his eyes on the road and both hands on the wheel.

"Not gonna ask me how therapy went this time?"

Jay shrugged. "I figure it's best not to ask questions I already know the answers to."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Erin asked raising her eyebrows at him even though his eyes stayed straight.

He sighed. "I ask you how your session went and you say fine every time so I won't ask you anymore."

Jay glanced at Erin as he rolled to a stop at a traffic light. She was staring back at him, an unreadable expression on her face.

"What?" Jay asked, hoping this time she might just actually open up to him.

But Erin just shook her head. "Nothing. You're right. It was fine."

Jay sighed as Erin looked away from him then to stare out through the window. He should have known better than to think she might actually talk to him.

A half an hour of silence later, Jay pulled into the parking lot of an obstetrics and gynecology office. He killed the engine and got out of the car, walking around to meet Erin on the other side. They walked up to the doors and inside the building, and he followed her to the front desk. Erin checked herself in and then the two sat in the waiting area.

The pair didn't speak the entire fifteen minutes they sat beside one another. When a nurse finally stepped into the room and called Erin's name Jay stood up beside her. She turned to face him and shook her head at him.

"I'll be fine by myself," Erin told him locking her eyes on his.

"What?" Jay asked.

"You can wait out here. I'll be fine by," Erin told him.

Jay shook his head, dumbfounded at just the thought, and looked at the woman in front of him with pleading eyes. "Erin – "

"I'll be fine," Erin said again before she turned and followed the nurse down the hall.

Jay looked after her painfully and took a few steps forward before deciding against it and sat back down. He felt that sinking feeling in his chest again as he rested his elbows on his knees and tapped his foot against the floor of the waiting room.

Thirty minutes later Erin returned with a nurse at her side. Jay stood to his feet as if a fire had just broken out and walked towards them.

"We'll see you and the baby in another four weeks, alright?" The nurse said just as Jay approached them.

Erin nodded and turned to the receptionist to schedule her next appointment. She could feel Jay's eyes on her and knew he was probably pissed at her, but she couldn't look at him yet. She made her appointment, and then the two left the office and walked back out to the car.

It was quiet during the car ride back to the district. The tension was thick, as Erin figured it would be, but she didn't say a word. Once they arrived Erin got out of the car and made her way inside, not bothering to wait for Jay. She just couldn't deal with it.

She made her way upstairs and sat down at Nadia's old desk – her desk, and got started on her work. Erin had just started up her computer when she felt a warm breath hit her skin, and then she heard Jay's voice in her ear.

"Can I talk to you?"

Erin turned to look at him as he stepped away from her and walked towards the break room without another word. She stood from her chair and sighed as she followed after him. She entered the room and closed the door behind her. As she turned to face Jay she crossed her arms over her chest, almost defensively.

"What?" She asked.

"Why'd you do it?"

Erin shrugged. "Do what?"

Jay shook his head. "You know what I'm talking about. At the doctor's office. Why'd you ice me out like that?"

"I didn't ice you out. I just didn't need you in there with me. It was just a check-up. I'm fine. Your baby is fine. You have nothing to worry about," she told him.

"Our baby," Jay corrected. "And so what? You didn't need me in there. Did you even want me there? Because I wanted to be in there. I wanted to be with you, Erin."

"You're blowing this way out of proportion, Jay. I had a hard session this morning and I didn't feel like being blasted by you and all your freaking questions so, yeah. I iced you out as you put it."

Jay shook his head at her, his sad green eyes trying to get a read on hers, but he couldn't and it made something inside of him snap. "You could have told me that you had a rough morning, Erin. I would've understood that, but you didn't even give me a chance. I want to be there for you, for our baby, but you won't let me. You push me away at every single pass. You won't tell me how you're feeling or what you're thinking. For god's sake, you're more than five months pregnant and you're showing, but just the idea of telling people we're having a kid freaks you out. You can't hide behind a sweatshirt for the rest of this pregnancy. You come back to Chicago and you tell me you missed me. I try to talk to you and you get pissed off. So then I don't talk to you and you still get pissed off. You're so hot and cold, and I just don't know what to do anymore. What do you want me to do, Erin? Do you want me to leave you alone? Do you want to have this baby and do it on your own? What do you want?"

"At the moment, I want you to keep your damn voice down," Erin growled glancing through the break room window. It seemed no one was paying attention so she turned back to Jay.

He shook his head and laughed sarcastically. "I lay it all out there and the only thing you tell me is keep my voice down."

"Well, what am I supposed to say to all of that, huh?" Erin asked him. He really had just laid it all out there and it completely took her off guard.

"God damn it, Erin. Just talk to me!" He yelled, his tone almost menacing. She flinched at the volume of his voice and took a step back.

"I'm sorry," Jay said, quickly stepping towards her. She took another step back almost mechanically and tightened her arms over her chest as her eyes fell to the floor.

Jay breathed out a deep sigh. "Erin, please."

She swallowed nervously as Jay approached her slowly and reached his arms out towards her. He rested his hands on the tops of her arms just below her shoulders and gave a gentle squeeze to each side.

"Erin?"

She didn't look up at him, just swallowed nervously again.

"Please look at me," Jay begged her.

Jay gave another soft squeeze to her arms before he lifted his right hand and brought it up to Erin's face. He held her cheek in his palm and grazed her skin with his thumb. Erin slowly lifted her head, moving her eyes from the floor to Jay's unblinking stare.

"I'm sorry," he told her once more looking directly at her. Erin nodded slowly.

"It's okay," she mumbled.

Jay shook his head. "No, it's not okay. I shouldn't have raised my voice at you like that."

Jay took another step forward and encircled his arms around Erin's shoulders, pulling her in against his chest. Erin lifted her arms then and looped them around Jay's waist, pressing her face into his shoulder. She felt the tears leave her eyes and they soaked through Jay's shirt, but all he did was squeeze her against him. He placed a kiss against the side of her head and held her close.

"We'll have to answer too many questions that I just don't think I can handle yet. Besides, it's no one's business, but ours. They can think what they want," Erin spoke against his neck.

"You know as well as I do that they would never push you up against a wall like that and make you feel uncomfortable. Especially now. Not after everything you've been through. We can't hide it anymore, and we can't not talk about it anymore either," Jay told her.

"I just don't think I'm ready yet," Erin said to him, pulling away from him. She took a step back and began pacing throughout the break room.

Jay stepped towards Erin again, reaching for her hand. He squeezed it in his and looked down into her eyes again. "We'll do it together. I'll be right there with you. You know it'll be better coming directly from us. They're not stupid, Erin. They're gonna figure it out eventually."

Erin bit her lip and shook her head, still unsure.

"It's none of their business," she said again.

Jay sighed, shaking his own head. "Erin, they're our friends. They're our family. Not a single one of them will judge you or make you feel bad about anything going on. You have to know that."

Erin looked up at him with tear filled eyes and released her lip from between her teeth. She sniffled a few times, remembering Dr. Aldman's words from her therapy session this morning. She saw that look of pain and worry in Jay's eyes. She was hurting him. He had asked her a few days ago when they could tell people, but Erin had shot down the idea before Jay could even finish his sentence. As she looked at him now, that same look about him, it felt like a knife being twisted deep into her chest. She could give him this. Maybe it wouldn't be too bad, Erin decided before she breathed in, and then blew out a deep breath.

"You can tell them," she said quietly pulling her hand from his and crossing her arms back across her chest. Jay shook his head again and reached for her hand once more making her drop her other arm to her side.

"We'll do it together," he told her lacing their fingers together.

Erin sniffled again, breathing shakily, and nodded once. Jay squeezed her hand and then led her to the door. He pulled the door open and the two of them stepped out into the bull pen.

Jay cleared his throat, effectively getting the attention of everyone in the room. Hank stepped out of his office, hearing Jay through his open office door. Everyone seemed to share a curious glance as they noticed Jay and Erin's clasped together hands and then noticed Voight standing idly by with a straight face.

"Erin and I have something to tell all of you," Jay said, squeezing Erin's hand as he felt her fingers trembling against his.

Everyone looked between one another and then stared at Jay and Erin waiting with bated breaths. Jay squeezed Erin's hand again as he turned his head to look at her. She nodded once and he turned back to the team.

"Erin's pregnant," Jay announced then.

The room stayed silent for what seemed like forever. Hank and Alvin kept a stoic face about them, and Adam, of all people noticed first and took a step forward.

"Wait, you both knew already?" He asked glancing between his sergeant and his elder partner.

Hank nodded once and Alvin shrugged his shoulders as he leaned back in his chair.

"Why didn't you say anything? Is that why she came back?" Adam asked looking at Erin then. "Is that why you came back?"

Erin swallowed hard and nodded. "Partially."

Adam let out a low whistle, running a hand over the back of his neck, and then he shook his head. "I can't believe this."

He took another step forward, and then another until he stood in front of Jay and Erin.

"Can I hug you?" Adam asked Erin.

"W-what?" Erin stuttered.

"I wanna hug you, but I figured I'd ask first so you don't punch me," Adam said.

Erin swallowed nervously, taken by surprise. "Uh, s-sure. Okay, I guess."

Jay dropped Erin's hand as Adam smiled and stepped forward once more to pull Erin into his arms. He wrapped his long arms around her shoulders and gave a quick squeeze.

"Congratulations," Adam said into her ear before he released her.

Erin looked up at him as he stepped back and offered a small, but unsure smile. "Thanks, Ruzek."

"Jay, man," Adam laughed turning to his friend and pulling him into a quick hug. "Knocked up the boss' daughter. What'd you have to do to convince Voight not to kill you?"

Jay rolled his eyes, and he and Hank then spoke together. "Shut up, Ruzek."

"Congrats though. That's, gosh, this is really exciting," Adam said to Jay as the two men shook hands.

Jay nodded. "Thank you."

The smile on Jay's face instantly made Erin feel somewhat calmer about the situation. That grin of his was worth her slight discomfort. Erin could do this for him. She would do this for him. It was the least she could do after everything she had put the poor guy through; she'd owed him that much.

Erin pulled herself out of her thoughts as Antonio and Kevin stepped forward then, followed by Alvin, and then Kim. The foursome took turns offering their own congratulatory words and hugs to both Erin and Jay. As Kim approached the pair last she kept a smile on her face, but Erin could immediately tell she was nervous.

"You're not gonna snap at me this time, are you?" Kim asked, half-serious, half-joking. She stood in front of Erin as Jay stayed at the pregnant woman's side.

Erin offered a crooked smile and shook her head, and it made Kim breathe out a sigh of relief.

"Thank god," Kim smiled widely then. She closed the distance between herself and Erin, and hugged her quickly before she stepped back and did the same to Jay.

"It really is exciting. Congratulations to the both of you," Kim said to the pair as she stood in front of them once more.

"So Serg, what did you do when you found out? Did you take a few seconds to breathe or did you just cut right to the chase and knock our boy out?" Kevin teased from his spot standing next to Adam.

"Yeah, how are you so calm about this anyway?" Antonio asked leaning against Erin's old desk – now Kim's with his arms crossed.

Kim rolled her eyes. "What does it matter if he's calm about it or what he did? The important thing here is that Erin is back and she's doing better. Isn't that what we all wanted?"

Everyone nodded, sans Jay and Erin, and Hank stepped forward. "Thanks, Burgess. Couldn't have said it better myself."

Kim nodded once at her boss. "No problem, Serg."

The team disbanded then to return to their desks, and Hank stepped out on personal business. Less than a minute after Adam had sat down in his chair he popped right back up.

"We should celebrate. Molly's after shift anyone?" He offered to the room. Kim quickly grabbed a nearby pen and threw it clear across the room at her fiancé.

"What the hell was that for?" Adam asked as the pen hit him in his chest.

Kevin, Antonio and Alvin just shook their heads while Kim nodded in Erin's direction with an "are you kidding me?" glare in her eyes.

Adam caught on and quickly looked at Erin with an apologetic smile. "Crap. I'm sorry, Lindsay. I didn't even think. I –"

Erin waved off his concern, shaking her head. "It's okay. Besides, it's not like I can drink anyway. If you guys wanna go to Molly's, then we can. It's no problem."

Jay took a small side step towards Erin and leaned into her. "Erin, I don't think that's –"

"I'll be fine," Erin told him before turning back to the team. "Who's in?"

Everyone shared a minuscule look of concern, but reluctantly nodded their heads.

"Molly's it is then. We'll meet after shift," Antonio declared.

Everyone nodded and then got back to work. Jay turned to Erin and eyeballed her with an uneasy look on his face, and glanced to the break room behind them. Erin rolled her eyes, but turned around and walked into the small room. Jay followed her in, closed the door, and then turned to face her.

"You really think that's a smart idea right now?" Jay asked her with his arms folded over his chest.

"Don't do that," Erin told him.

"Do what?" Jay asked.

Erin gave another roll of her eyes, chuckling quietly, before she moved to the center of the room and sat down at the table. "The arm thing and the dad tone. Don't patronize me. It's not like I'm going to be drinking so you can relax, alright?"

"I'm not patronizing you, Erin. I just don't think it's a good idea for you to be in that type of environment right now. At least not yet, anyway. It's too soon."

"Jay, I've done what you and Hank, and even Olivia have asked me to do. I'm talking to the shrink. I'm taking my prenatal vitamins. I'm eating. I'm trying to take better care of myself. If you really have such little faith in my recovery then what the hell am I even doing all of this for, huh?"

Jay shook his head, moving to the table and sitting down beside Erin. "That's not what I'm saying. I appreciate the effort you're making and everything you're doing, and I'm proud of you for it. I'm so proud of you, but being around alcohol isn't a good idea, and I know you know that."

"You think I'll slip," Erin said shaking her head in disbelief as she pushed back from the table to stand on her feet. She had to get out of there. She had to get away from him.

"I didn't say that," Jay said quickly standing as well.

Erin whipped around to face him with tears in her eyes. "You didn't have to. Seriously, what is the point of any of this if you can't even trust me? What are we doing?"

"Erin, of course I trust you," Jay tried to tell her. He took a step towards her, but Erin shook her head and stepped away from him.

"If you trusted me then we wouldn't even be having this conversation right now, Jay. And you know it," Erin said to him as she sniffled and wiped under her eyes as tears began to fall from them.

"Erin, whether we do or don't go to Molly's has nothing to do with whether or not I trust you. It is solely because of the environment and the temptation –"

"And you don't trust me to not give into the temptation, right?"

"Erin, I – that's not –"

Erin slumped her shoulders and shook her head at him. "Don't lie to me. At least give me that. Please, please don't lie to me."

Jay sighed. "I'm just worried about you."

Erin lost it then; everything finally bubbled to the surface and she'd had enough. "Stop worrying about me! Just stop."

The tears continued to spill from Erin's eyes as she shook her head once more in sheer frustration and headed for the door.

"You're still having the nightmares aren't you?" Jay called after her.

Erin stopped mid-step just before she reached for the door handle and turned back around slowly to face him. "How'd you know I was having nightmares?"

Jay took a quick breath. "Promise me you won't get mad?"

Erin nodded hesitantly.

"I ask Hank how you're doing every day. You don't talk to me. You won't tell me, and I just – I worry about you. I know you don't want me to and you tell me not to, but I'm still going to because I care about you so damn much. I worry about you every single day, Erin and you look so tired when you come in and I'm almost positive that it can't just be the pregnancy. You just look exhausted, like you don't sleep at all even. So I started asking Hank and he told me has to wake you up sometimes because you're screaming and thrashing around in bed so hard. You say you're trying to take better care of yourself, but it seems to me like you're barely getting by."

Erin looked down at her feet and swallowed nervously. She kept quiet for a few moments as she took in his words and was once again brought back to this morning with Dr. Aldman. She knew what she had to do. Erin heard the heavy, disappointed sigh slip past Jay's lips a moment later as she continued to stay silent. She lifted her eyes up to him and all he did was give a short nod.

Jay knew better than to push her any further than he had already done; just as he knew he was losing her, if he hadn't yet lost her completely already. Jay tried to offer a smile, but it didn't come so he just turned around and stepped around her. He had turned the handle and was ready to pull the door open, but the sudden sound of Erin's strangled voice stopped him.

"I do have nightmares."

Jay turned back around and met Erin's tear-filled eyes. She sniffled once and swallowed a hard as she dropped his gaze and fiddled with the sleeve of her navy sweatshirt.

"Except most times I'm sure it's just Nadia haunting me. Taunting me even," Erin said as she kept her eyes down.

"What do you mean?" Jay asked, taking a cautious step towards her.

Erin took a deep breath and blew it out slowly as she looked at Jay now standing in front of her. She needed to sit. She stepped towards the round table and took a seat, looking up at Jay expectantly. He caught her gaze and sat down in a chair beside her. Erin rested her hands on the table's surface in front of her and now played with her fingers. She forced herself to look up at Jay and took one more deep breath.

"I see her face when I try to sleep. I hear her begging me to save her, and if I do manage to somehow fall asleep I see her on that beach and every single time I'm frozen in place. I can't move. I can't say a word. I can't do anything. Then Yates comes and he kills her in front of me, and – and then Hank wakes me up. The only good thing about it is at least now my first thought isn't to get drunk or high. I guess that's progress, right?"

All Jay could do was nod at her admission, and then he reached for one of Erin's hands. He ignored the way she flinched at the feel of his skin, and held her hand tightly in his. "You know, I used to have nightmares too. I had them every day for almost a year after I came home from my last tour in Afghanistan. Every time I tried to close my eyes and sleep I'd see the face of one of my friends that had been killed. I know how you feel, Erin. Losing someone and feeling so out of control, so outside of yourself like their death was your fault. I understand it a lot more than you think I do."

Erin looked down at their clasped hands and squeezed his. "How'd you get past it?"

Jay gave a soft smile. "Time heals all wounds. It's cliché, I know, but it's certainly true. That, and talking to people; my brother Will was one of them for me, Mouse too, and my therapist of course."

"Is that your not so discreet way of trying to get me to talk to you?" Erin teased then, raising an eyebrow at the man sat beside her.

"Is it working?" Jay smiled hopefully.

Erin shrugged, the tiniest of smiles tugging at the corners of her mouth. "Maybe a little."

Jay nodded, squeezing her hand and keeping the smile in place on his face. "I'll take what I can get."

Moments passed in silence as the two sat with their hands still clasped within the others. Erin took another deep breath.

"I'm sorry I'm so crazy," she told Jay.

Jay brought his eyes back to hers and squeezed her fingers against his. "We're all entitled to be a little crazy every now and then."

Erin laughed then. "I'm pretty sure I've surpassed my allowance on that."

Jay smiled. "Well, I like you, so I'll share my allowance with you."

Erin smiled back at him, a genuine grin on her face, and for a moment she was transported to a time when her life wasn't in so many shards and shambles. Where there were nights of playful touches and take out cartons, and days spent talking about retirement and nice thoughts, and the witty banter flowed between them so easily like a gentle breeze blowing in through open windows on a perfect summer day.

Erin heard Dr. Aldman's voice again as it took over her thoughts, telling her to let Jay in. She wanted to. She knew she had to. She felt the grin on her face grow at the corners of her mouth as she looked at Jay and he stared back with a curious gaze.

"What?" He asked her.

"You should come over tonight. To Voight's. We can have dinner. We can talk."

"Really?" Jay asked thinking for sure he had heard her wrong.

Erin nodded. "Really."

Jay's grin grew with hers then and he squeezed her fingers against his once more.

Erin internally swore to herself right then that she would do everything she possibly could to see that look on his face for the rest of her life. The happy one. The one that didn't make her cringe or wanna cry. The one that made her believe everything just might actually end up being okay. That maybe everything that had happened truly was a blessing in disguise.

"Ya know," Jay began, pulling her back. "You didn't tell me how the appointment went this morning. Could you? Tell me, I mean. Please?"

A nervous expression came over his face as Erin looked at him with unblinking eyes, but then she squeezed his hand and gave a reassuring smile.

"Everything is fine. Our son is fine."

"What?"

"You heard me," Erin said to him with a small smirk on her face.

"A boy? We're - you, it's a boy?"

Erin nodded. "It's a boy. The nurse said he's a bit on the smaller side, but we kind of already knew that would happen. Everything's okay though. Everything looks good."

"We're having a boy," Jay said, grinning.

Jay stood on his feet then, pulling Erin up with him, and then he pulled her into his arms. He held her tight against him and kissed the side of her head several times before he pulled back slightly to look her in the eyes.

"A boy," Jay said again.

Erin rolled her eyes, but smiled back at him. "Yes, it's a -"

Before she could speak another word Jay cut her off with his lips over hers, kissing her hard and soft at the same time and she couldn't resist in kissing him back. Her hands moved up to rest at either side of his neck and his slipped between them and held her at the waist. Jay pulled away within mere seconds after, seeming to quickly remember where they were and that their colleagues could clearly see them through the break room door and windows.

"I'm sorry," he said.

Jay dropped his hands from Erin's waist and took a step back to put some sort of space between them. All he wanted to do was pull her back into him and kiss her again, and it bothered him that he couldn't. He watched as Erin looked up at him and swallowed nervously. Her cheeks were flushed and her breaths haphazard as she nearly panted.

"You don't have to be sorry," Erin told him, her voice timid as she took a deep breath.

Jay shook his head. "I shouldn't have done that. Especially here. I – I just, I guess I was just– "

"A little excited?" Erin asked with a small smile.

Jay sighed, a crooked smile on his face. "Yeah. I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have kissed you."

Erin shook her head at him, waving him off. "It's really okay. Don't even worry about it. We can pretend it didn't even happen."

Jay turned to look out through the glass, thankful when he saw that no one seemed to be paying the pair any attention. He looked back to Erin and sighed. "We're lucky no one saw."

"Not still scared of Voight are you?"

"No, no it's not him I'm nervous about," Jay said.

"Then what is it?" Erin asked him. His disposition was throwing her off and she wanted to know what was going on.

"I just don't want you to be upset with me. Ya know, with the kiss, and – please, don't be mad at me."

"I'm not mad, Jay. Really, I'm not. You seriously worry too damn much, Halstead," Erin told him.

He seemed to breathe a sigh of relief and closed the distance between them to reach for one of Erin's hands. "So, we can still do dinner tonight? We can still talk?"

Erin nodded. "Yeah."

"Before or after Molly's?"

"What?"

"We agreed to Molly's after shift," Jay said.

Erin shook her head. "We don't have to go."

"Trust is a two way street, Erin. If you can trust me enough to let me inside that head of yours, I think it's the least I can do to somehow return the favor," Jay told her.

"Are you sure?" she asked him. He squeezed her hand in reply and she knew.

"I'm not gonna slip up," Erin said then looking directly at him. Jay only nodded, hoping her words would ring true. She tugged on his hand that held hers and pulled him closer.

"I promise you. I'm not gonna mess this up," she assured him and he believed her.


	13. Chapter 13

It has been forever. I know. Read and let me know what you think. I hope everyone likes this one! Apologies for any mistakes. I am beyond the point of exhaustion. Enjoy!

 **Disclaimer: I do not own or have any affiliation to Chicago PD, its writers, cast or crew.**

It was nearing six o'clock that evening when Jay walked up to Erin at the front of the bullpen. She had just closed a file and plopped it down on the top of her desk before she shut down her computer and looked up at him with a tired smile.

"Ready to go?" He asked her.

"Just give me one more minute?"

Jay nodded and watched on as Erin stood from her chair and made her way towards Voight's office. She knocked once and when he waved her in, she entered and closed the door behind her.

"What's up?" Hank asked her leaning back in his chair.

"I have a favor to ask."

"Ask away," Hank told her.

"Jay's coming over tonight. We're gonna have dinner together," Erin said meeting Hank's eyes with hers.

"What exactly is the favor?"

Erin swallowed nervously. "Well, I decided I'm gonna do what you and Dr. Aldman suggested. I'm gonna cut him some slack. Try to let him in some more."

A small smile came over Hank's face as nodded, seeming to understand her not-yet-spoken request. "And you want me to give you some privacy. Is that it?"

Erin swallowed again. "If you wouldn't mind or we can go to his place if you prefer. Doesn't matter."

Hank shook his head, still smiling. "You two can have the house. I was gonna go out with Al anyways. Probably be late when I get back. Do what you gotta do."

"You're sure you don't mind?" Erin asked.

Hank nodded. "It's about time the two of you really talk. Go on. Get outta here. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Thank you," Erin told him with a small smile. He nodded once more and then she walked out of his office.

"All set?" Jay asked her as she approached him.

"Yeah, let's go," she said. She grabbed her jacket from the back of her chair, and then the pair walked through the pen and down the back stairwell to exit through the garage.

As they walked to the car, Erin snuck a glance at Jay. His hands were shoved in his jeans pockets and he kept his eyes straight ahead even when he spoke.

"So, food first then Molly's or Molly's first then food?" He asked her.

"Maybe we could skip Molly's tonight."

Jay turned his head raised an eyebrow at her. "I thought you said – "

"I know what I said, but I've been thinking about it all afternoon and maybe you're right. Maybe it is too soon. Maybe it's not such a good idea right now."

"Are you sure?" Jay asked her just as they reached the Chrysler.

Erin nodded. "I'm sure there will be plenty of other nights to go to Molly's with the team. Plus it'll probably be crowded and I'm kind of exhausted. I already told Kim before she left not to expect us."

Jay smiled at her across the top of the car and Erin found herself smiling back at him.

"Alright then. Come on," he told her. She nodded one more time before the two of them settled inside the car and buckled themselves in.

The drive to Voight's house was quiet as it usually was in the car, but Jay could sense a shift between himself and Erin; he just wasn't too sure if it was the good kind, or the bad kind. After their conversations in the break room today he wasn't quite sure what to expect with her once they were alone again and talking. He was still kicking himself for being an idiot and kissing her the way he did. His palms became sweaty at the memory and even though a smile tugged at the corners of his mouth he internally groaned to himself. He just hoped Erin would actually talk to him like she had said she would. Icing him out would only get them nowhere and he wanted them moving forward, not staying stuck in the past.

A few minutes later Jay pulled up alongside the curb in front of Hank's house and put the car in park before he cut the engine. The pair got out and walked up the pathway, and then the steps of the porch before Erin pulled out her key ring to unlock the door. She pushed the front door open and the two entered the house, shrugging off their jackets in the entryway.

"What are you hungry for?" Jay asked as he followed Erin into the living room. She sat down on the couch and pulled off her boots as Jay pulled out his phone from his back pocket, and then sat down beside her.

Erin shrugged pulling her legs up onto the couch and leaning back into the cushions. "I could go for some pizza."

Jay chuckled. "Hawaiian?"

Erin nodded quickly. "Extra –"

"Pineapple. I know," Jay cut her off, smiling at her as he dialed their favorite parlor to order a pie for them.

Thirty minutes later the two of them were scarfing down on their pizza on the living room sofa. There was a movie playing in the background on the television, but neither Jay nor Erin were paying attention to it. They sat facing one another on the couch, an open pizza box between them and a couple of bottles of water sat on the coffee table for them.

"So, what's Voight up to tonight?" Jay asked after he swallowed a bite of his crust.

"I don't know actually. All he told me was that he was going out with Olinsky so who knows. I sort of kicked him out so we could be alone to talk."

Jay raised his eyebrows, smirking at her from his end of the couch. "You kicked Hank Voight out of his own house? Damn."

Erin rolled her eyes. "Okay, I didn't actually kick him out, but I did ask for some privacy."

"And he agreed so easily?"

Erin shrugged. "I think he's starting to develop a bit of a crush on you to be honest. He's uh, he's really gunning for you it seems. In a good way, of course."

"Should I be at all nervous about that though?"

Erin shook her head. "He uh, he told me how excited you are about the baby. He suggested that maybe I should cut you some slack, and then my session this morning made me realize that he's right."

Jay nodded slowly, but stayed silent as he kept his eyes on Erin. She dropped her head and picked at a loose thread on her sleeve for a moment before she looked back up at Jay. She was met with a soft gaze and it was enough to make her start talking again.

"I'm sorry for icing you out. I'll admit that at times it was intentional. I just – I didn't know how to deal with any of it. I kept being horrible to you because I thought it was just easier that way. I thought it was easier to blame someone else other than myself. I'm sorry for hurting you. I know I've really messed up, but I am gonna try harder to be better."

Jay let out a deep breath, as if he had been holding it in the entire time Erin had been speaking. He nodded his head at her before he reached for the pizza box and moved it to the coffee table. Once that was out of his way he reached for one of Erin's hands, squeezing it softly in his.

"Why do you think Nadia's death was your fault, Erin?" Jay asked then.

Erin swallowed hard, most definitely not anticipating him to ask that question. She took a deep breath once and then again.

"Because I pissed off Yates," Erin told him. She took another quick breath before she started to speak again, already feeling the sting of tears in the corners of her eyes. "I got under his skin and he took Nadia to get back at me. At least that's what I thought. And maybe he did. Maybe that's exactly what happened and I'll never know for sure, but maybe it's better that way."

Jay shook his head at her and squeezed her hand again. "I hate that you blame yourself. You did everything you could. We all did. We all loved Nadia, and we all miss her, but you were at that trial, Erin. You saw and heard what happened. Nadia didn't let him break her despite the horrible things he did to her. She fought him until the very end and that is why he didn't win. That is why that bastard is going to be haunted every day for the rest of his life while he sits in a jail cell. Because of Nadia. Because he knows he didn't break her and that is going to bother him every single day until the moment he stops breathing."

Erin was crying now. Hard sobs that made both her hands and her heart and her whole body shake with an indescribable ache. She sniffed and continued to cry, and when she opened her mouth, strangled words fell out threw her parted lips. "She did fight back, didn't she?"

Jay nodded with tears in his own eyes as he watched Erin breakdown in front of him. He held onto both her hands now and held on tightly. "She fought so hard, Erin. You know she was a fighter. She was strong and determined and smart, and you helped her become those things. You gave her a chance. You saw something in her and you saved her. Baby, you saved Nadia."

Erin's tears continue to fall and her whole body still shook as she looked down in her lap. She tried to take a few deep breaths, but they only ended up being broken gasps for air. Jay released one of her hands and tugged on the other one, trying to pull her towards him. Erin looked up and met his eyes, and it was then he really saw just how broken she was, how guilty she seemed to feel.

"Baby, come here," he said to her. He tugged on her hand once more and she leaned up on her knees and crawled the short distance towards him. He lay on his back and pulled her down with him. She was half lying on top of him, half cuddled into his side. His arm wrapped around her shoulders and the other rested so that his hand was on her back. He held her against him and Erin gripped the front of his t-shirt tightly as she cried into his shoulder.

Erin sniffled a few times and tried to take a few deep breaths again. She sniffled once more before she looked up at Jay. She tried to sit up, but Jay wouldn't let her. He just held her tighter.

"I'm ruining your shirt," Erin said.

"I don't care about my shirt," Jay told her.

He moved his hand that was on Erin's back underneath her sweatshirt and moved his fingers over her skin hoping it would relax her. A few minutes later Erin was able to breathe without gasping, only hiccupping every now and then. She still held onto Jay with one hand while she kept the other wedged between their bodies.

"Jay?" She mumbled a few quiet moments later.

"Hmmm?"

"Are you scared?" Erin asked him.

"About?"

"The baby. About being a dad."

Jay took in a deep breath, blowing it out slowly. He continued his motions over Erin's warm skin with his fingers. "Yeah, I am. A lot actually."

"Really?"

Jay nodded against her. "Yeah."

"Why are you so scared?"

Jay sighed then, swallowing hard. Erin lifted her eyes and stared at him, watching the hollow of his throat bob up, and then down.

"Please tell me," Erin said quietly.

"I'm mostly scared because of how closed off you've seemed about the baby. I get this feeling in my chest sometimes. Makes me nervous. Makes me feel like you hate me, like you can't even stand to be around me. I know I've kind of been overbearing and I'm sorry for that. I don't want you to feel like I'm forcing you into anything, I just I don't know. Am I making any sense at all here?"

Erin nodded, offering a small smile. "I get it, but you don't have to be nervous. I don't hate you, Jay. I could never hate you. Besides, I've needed a strong hand ya know? I've felt kinda lost lately. If it wasn't for you or Voight or Liv I don't know what I would do."

Erin released his shirt and reached her hand up to stroke the side of Jay's face. "And you're not forcing me into anything either."

"I just don't want you to regret any of it later or resent me for it," Jay said.

"Why would I?" Erin asked.

Jay sighed, pulling his hand from Erin's back and moving it to hold the side of her head. His fingers raked through her dark blond hair and he dropped a kiss into her tresses.

"I've never told anyone this. Not Tony or Allie. Anyone. The only people that know are my family, but even still Will and I don't really talk about it," Jay said quietly.

Erin nodded and pulled herself up then. Jay followed suit and the two sat facing one another once again. Erin reached an arm out and grabbed onto one of Jay's hands. She gripped it tightly before looking up at him. "Tell me."

Jay sighed, breathing out deeply and swallowed nervously as he locked eyes with Erin. "Before we found out my mom was sick she found out that she was pregnant. I was a senior in high school. Will was a sophomore. We were all really excited, except for Will. He complained about being the Jan Brady of the family, but I was over the moon excited at the possibility of having another brother, you know? When mom went for her three month checkup they found lumps in both of her breasts. She thought it was just because of the pregnancy. A month after that once all the tests were done and the results came back she was officially diagnosed with breast cancer. When she went in for a consultation exam to discuss treatment she told her doctors she didn't want any treatment until after the baby was born. My dad was furious. I remember him yelling at her and calling her crazy, that they could have another baby if she wanted. A couple weeks of him hounding her and making her feel terrible she gave in. My dad made her have an abortion and even though I know his reasons were from a good place, he didn't wanna lose her, I don't think mom ever truly forgave him."

By the time Jay had finished speaking Erin had tears rolling down her cheeks and Jay had tears of his own in his eyes. Erin used her free hand to wipe hers away and sniffed several times. She squeezed Jay's hand as she still held it tightly in her other hand.

"I am so sorry, Jay," she whispered.

Jay stayed quiet, trying to keep himself from having a breakdown of his own at the memory of his mother. He felt Erin squeeze his hand again and he squeezed back, keeping his eyes on her.

"That's why you didn't want me to have an abortion," Erin stated, finally understanding everything.

Jay nodded slowly and took a deep breath. "After the baby was gone my mom just got worse. As if my dad had taken away her will to fight. And when she did die, I think my dad died too. He just checked out, ya know? He threw money at Will and me like it was supposed to substitute being our dad. I know my mom regretted ending that pregnancy. I remember her saying once, 'it's what your father wants' and she resented him afterwards until the day she died. I didn't want that for you. I don't want that for you ever. To feel that pain, the guilt. You've been through enough."

Erin nodded, unsure of what words would be right to say, and instead just squeezed Jay's hand in hers once more. Jay moved his thumb over the top of Erin's hand, grazing her skin slowly back and forth. They kept their eyes on one another, unblinking for several moments as Jay opened his mouth to speak again with a small smile on his face now. "I also kind of don't hate the idea of you and me having a kid together. It's not the worst thing that could happen. I know you're scared because of your mom and your past, but I want our baby. I don't care about professionalism or conventionalism, or the timing. I just care about you. You and our son. God, I still can't believe it's a boy. I'm really excited."

The grin on Jay's face made Erin smile widely for a moment until she rolled her eyes playfully and shrugged her shoulders. "Yeah, I kind of gathered that when you assaulted me earlier at the district."

Jay's smile dropped as quick as it appeared at Erin's words and the memory of what had transpired earlier between them. She immediately regretted saying a word about it; even if it was in a teasing manner. She reached between herself and Jay to grab his other hand, now holding them both and squeezed.

"It's sweet that you're so excited. I like seeing that smile on your face," she told him quietly hoping she hadn't upset him too badly.

The corners of Jay's mouth twitched and his frown turned upwards in the slightest. "I just wanna be there."

Erin scrunched her eyebrows together, curious. "What do you mean?"

"Even before my mom got sick and passed away my dad was always seemed to be so busy. Mom's the one that I remember always being around. Joking with us. Holding us when we were upset. Baking cookies for my little league bake sale. Taking us tux shopping for homecoming and prom. Helping us pick out the right corsage for our dates. Just being there for us, ya know? Just spending time with us. I want to be there for everything. Every milestone. Every skinned knee. Every game or piano recital or play that he's in. I just wanna be there. I want him to know that I'm with him through everything and that I'm on his side. I don't want him to ever have the same doubts we had growing up with my dad and your mom."

More tears filled Erin's eyes, ready to fall at any second, until her mouth broke out in a wide grin and she stayed quiet.

"What?" Jay asked her. He quickly noticed her silence and smile, and it made him feel almost nervous.

Erin shook her head, dropping her gaze from Jay's and released one of his hands while she pulled his other towards her. She lifted the hem of her sweater and set Jay's hand against her stomach, holding it just above where her bellybutton was located. Erin laid Jay's hand flat against her skin and pressed down. She felt another jolt much like the one she'd just felt moments before and continued smiling as she looked back up at Jay.

"I think our son wants that too," Erin whispered.

"Is that – that was him?" Jay asked, completely fascinated and stunned.

Erin nodded, as the fresh tears fell from her eyes and Jay's face lit up so bright it actually made her cheeks ache from smiling so big.

"He's telling you he agrees with you," Erin whispered, letting out a light laugh as she felt the pressure again from inside her stomach.

Jay kept his hand on Erin's skin and lifted his other to the grasp the back of her neck. He pulled her towards him with a tender hold and brought his lips to her forehead. He pecked her skin twice with soft kisses before releasing her and locking their eyes on one another again.

"That was incredible. Why'd he stop?" Jay asked, completely intrigued as he maneuvered his hand all along Erin's belly.

"I think he's done for right now," Erin said, not missing the look of sheer disappointment that crossed Jay's face. She let out another laugh and rested her hand on top of his that was still splayed across her belly. "But I promise I'll tell you as soon as he starts up again."

Jay smiled again and nodded, retracting his hand and running it over the back of his head. "Thank you for letting me feel that."

Erin nodded her head. "You're welcome."

Jay sighed deeply, a smile still on his face. "The only thing left for us to figure out is where we're gonna live once this kid gets here. It's only a few more months."

"My apartment is bigger than yours," Erin said without realizing.

Jay looked at her, a nervous grin on his face. "While your apartment is bigger than mine, yes, we still need something just a little bit bigger. Don't you think?"

Erin shrugged, not fully picking up what he was saying to her. "Why would we?"

"Well, I would need a bedroom. Unless you're gonna make me sleep on your living room couch for the next eighteen years," Jay joked, laughing.

It clicked as soon as he said the words. He wanted his own room. His own space. Space away from her. Having sex, getting pregnant, sharing a baby was fine, but he didn't want to share a bedroom with her?

Erin mentally shook it off, not wanting to let her disappointment show. Instead she forced a smile and nodded her head at him.

"Yeah, you're right. I didn't even think of that. We'll have to find something else. Something with three bedrooms for sure," she told him.

She lied even though she knew she shouldn't because the few steps of progress they had made tonight was just completely pushed ten steps back. She kept the smile on her face, hoping to mask the disheartening look she just knew was in her eyes. Jay nodded, smiling back at her, completely delusional of the hurt she was feeling.

Erin kept her smile going as she pulled herself out of Jay's hold and reached for the remote on the coffee table. She turned the volume up on the television and settled back against the cushions. She felt Jay's hand on her knee a moment later. He squeezed gently and then lifted her eyes to meet his. Jay smiled at her sweetly and she smiled back at him because it's all she could think to do. She didn't tell him how he was wrong. How the two bedrooms at her apartment were perfect for them. A room for her and him, and one for their son. She didn't tell him how upset she was right then, how hurt she really felt. She didn't tell him how letting him in was one of the most difficult things she's ever done, but she did it anyway because she loved his smile and she loved him. She didn't tell him how she knew she had Voight, but she was lucky to have him too, because he made her feel so damn special.

Instead, Erin turned her eyes back to the television to try and focus on some nonsense movie playing on the screen. But all she could think about was the little family that was so close to really being hers; the life she wanted more than anything growing up. The happy image she had envisioned in her head seemed to disappear quicker than she had even dreamed it up.

Erin felt a tug on her hand then and pulled her eyes from the television back to Jay's face. He held his arm out as a silent invitation and she gave him another small smile despite the ache she felt in her chest. She leaned into him, allowing her body to rest lax against his side, and Jay brought his arm down around Erin's shoulders and squeezed her against him.

"You okay?" Jay asked quietly. His hand disappeared beneath her sweatshirt and his fingers danced in circles on her skin.

Erin didn't respond. She stayed silent as she replayed the events of the day over and over in her head. She kept hearing Jay's words and Dr. Aldman's words, and then she felt another squeeze – only this time to her shoulder. She lifted her head and met Jay's eyes.

"Hmmm?"

"You spaced out. You okay?" He asked her again.

Erin heard her therapist in her head again. _"Let him in. Let him in. Let him in."_

"Erin?" Jay called to her.

"We can choose one of our apartments to live in."

Jay quirked an eyebrow at her sudden admission. "What?"

"Either one of our apartments would be enough space for the three of us," she told him.

"That came out of nowhere," Jay said.

"We can choose one of our apartments," Erin said again with a shrug of her shoulders.

"You're just saying that because you like sleeping with me," Jay joked, not thinking she was serious.

"Well, you do make for a good pillow and personal space heater," Erin threw back at him with a teasing voice.

Jay laughed and Erin smiled as she felt the vibrations of his chest beneath her cheek. She looked up at him again and raised a hand to run a finger over his cheek.

"It may not be professional or conventional, but who cares?"

Jay raised an eyebrow, immediately recognizing his words from earlier and swallowed nervously. "You're sure? It would mean-"

"I know what it means," Erin told him.

She lifted her head then from Jay's chest to look him in the eyes. They stared at one another in silence as Erin leaned in closer towards him slowly.

"I wanna do something," she whispered.

"What's that?" Jay asked quietly.

Erin hovered over him for a few seconds before she dropped her head and fused their lips together in a slow kiss. It was over before either of them had really wanted it to be, but as Erin pulled her mouth away from Jay's she moved her lips to the side and pecked his cheek.

"What was that for?" Jay asked her. He held her cheek with one hand in a gentle hold, keeping her face just inches away above his.

Erin shrugged as she settled back down into Jay's side, but she kept her head tilted and her eyes on his.

"I wanted to. Was that okay?" Erin asked him.

Jay smiled at her nervousness - Erin Lindsay wasn't the kind of woman to be nervous around anyone, let alone a man, but she was around him.

Jay nodded in response to her question and then Erin dropped her head back down to his shoulder. She nestled against him as close as she could and Jay lifted his hand to Erin's head to rake his fingers through her hair. He heard the intake of breath she took and then heard the yawn that escaped her as they laid together on the couch.

"Why don't we get you to bed, huh?" Jay suggested.

Erin nodded once. "I'm so tired."

"I know you are. Come on. Let's get you upstairs."

Erin lifted herself up from Jay's chest and he followed right behind her, and they both stood on their feet. Jay quickly took note of Erin's stumbling, tired steps and stepped behind her. He reached his hands out to her waist and steadied her stance. She looked over her shoulder with a grateful smile and brought a hand to her side to rest on top of Jay's, but he pulled his hands out of her reach. He stood beside Erin and wrapped an arm around her waist before he dropped his the other to the back of her knees and scooped her up into his arms.

"Jay, put me down. I can make it up the stairs. I'm too heavy for you to carry," she argued, but Jay rolled his eyes and headed for the stairs anyway.

"Hush," Jay told her.

He carried her up the stairs easily and made his way to the room he knew she was staying in. He nudged the half open bedroom door with one of his feet and carried Erin into the room. He set her down on top of the bed in a sitting position and grabbed the hem of her sweatshirt. He pulled it up, forcing Erin to lift her arms, and Jay removed it, dropping it to the floor. She sat in front of him in a white tank top and jeans. Jay kneeled down in front of her at the side of the bed and unbuttoned her jeans before he undid the zipper. He noticed the tight red marks strewn across the bottom of Erin's waist as he pulled the jeans down her legs one at a time. He dropped the denim to the floor, and then nudged Erin onto her back.

"No more jeans for you unless they're from a maternity section," Jay told her.

Erin huffed an annoyed sigh as Jay pulled the covers out from under her, and then up and over her small frame.

"Get some sleep. I'll clean up downstairs."

"You should stay tonight," Erin said.

Jay shook his head, despite the ache he felt in his chest at doing so. "I don't think that's such a good idea, Erin."

She shook her head at him this time and reached out towards him. She gripped his wrist and tugged him closer towards her. "Stay. Please?"

"I'll stay until you fall asleep," Jay compromised.

Jay pulled his wrist from her grasp and walked around to the other side of the queen sized bed. He laid down beside her, extending his arm out and Erin immediately turned to face him. She snuggled into his side, nestling her head back into the crevice between his neck and shoulder, and Jay dropped his arm around her. She shook her head again.

"Stay with us," Erin whispered into his neck. The warmth of her breath and the vibration of her words near his ear made goosebumps prick Jay's skin.

"Stay with us," Erin said once more into the darkness.

Jay conceded, deciding he'd deal with Voight in the morning, and nodded his head above hers, squeezing her against him. "I'll stay."

"Good," Erin said, a content sigh following a second later.

Jay's hand dropped to her backside and slipped beneath the tank top she wore. His finger danced along the skin of Erin's lower back and as he did so he could tell she was beginning to drift in and out of it. Her grip on his shirt fell lax and her head became heavier against the crook of his neck.

"Can I tell you a secret?" She asked him then.

"You know you can," he told her softly.

"I sleep better knowing you're next to me, and that scares me almost as much as being someone's mom does."

Jay smiled even though she couldn't see him and he kissed the top of Erin's head.

"You're going to be the best mom," he whispered throughout the room.

Erin hummed an incoherent slur and moved her hand up to the other side of Jay's neck. "I have another secret."

"Tell me," Jay coaxed.

"I really like it when you call me baby."

Jay smiled wider, letting a low chuckle of satisfaction vibrate through his chest. "Yeah?"

Erin nodded against him, her fingers still grazing the skin of his neck. "Any other time I've heard it from some guy they made it sound like I was their property or something. You know about my past with Charlie. But when you say it the way you do, I don't know. It sounds different and I like it. It makes me feel special."

Jay lifted his free hand from his side and moved it to his neck to grab a hold of Erin's. He brought it back to the middle of his chest and gave it a light squeeze. "You are special, and I like saying it."

Jay kept Erin's hand in his and kissed the top of her head once more. She sighed another content breath.

"One more secret," Erin whispered, the spell of sleep hitting her hard.

"Hmmm?" Jay hummed, feeling sleep beginning to hit him as well.

It was a sleepy slur of just three syllables, but Jay heard Erin clear as day as she mumbled, "I love you."


	14. Chapter 14

No, you're not hallucinating, I'm actually here with another update. I'm so relieved you're all enjoying this story and I'm so blown away by the feedback for the last chapter. I figured I'd keep the happy feels rolling on for a bit longer with Linstead. Don't wanna hurt you guys too much just yet, ya know? Haha. I hope you like this one. Drop a review and let me know what you think. For those waiting for that LLO epilogue, you will have it by Saturday. My apologies for any mistakes. I've got a busy week ahead and wanted to get this up before another month passed us by. Enjoy!

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own or have any affiliation with Chicago PD, its characters, writers, cast or crew.

The following morning Erin woke, moaning as she blinked her eyes open and stretched her legs out underneath the covers. She felt a heavy weight on top of her and looked to her left. Jay's arm was over her shoulder, clutching her against the front of his body and she felt the tip of his nose tickle the side of her neck. Erin let out a content sigh, her eyes drifting closed again, ready to sleep some more when she felt a familiar pressure in her side. A sleepy smile came over her face as the realization of what it was hit her. She reached for Jay's hand and brought it down the side of her body, moving his hand beneath her tank top and pressed his fingers into her skin gently. She felt another bout of pressure and squeezed Jay's hand.

"Jay," she whispered to him over her shoulder.

He didn't respond, nor did he move, so she squeezed his hand once more and called his name again, louder this time. She tried to turn over to face him, but his hold on her, as gentle as it was, was also too heavy for her to maneuver out of at that moment.

"Jay," she called again, wiggling against him.

Erin felt his arm move over her shoulder, and his body stirred behind her. She heard his sleepy groans a moment later, and then she felt a kiss on the side of her neck.

"Morning," he mumbled against her skin.

Erin smiled again as another kick was delivered to her side and she felt Jay's hand flinch at the unexpected contact.

"He's up early," Jay said into her neck.

Erin could hear the smile in his voice and she squeezed his hand beneath hers as she held them both over her belly. She glanced at the clock on the table beside her bed and frowned.

"It's almost eight, though. We need to get up soon or we'll both be late," Erin told him.

"We're a ten minute drive away from the district. We can afford to lie in bed just a little bit longer," Jay told her.

His voice was soft, and his warm breath and stubble skin made Erin shiver. Jay moved his thumb back and forth over her belly causing another sigh to slip from Erin's mouth.

"Maybe a few more minutes, but you've gotta let me move," Erin said, squeezing his hand before lifting it from her stomach.

Jay pulled his arm away from Erin's body while she dropped a hand to her belly and turned carefully onto her other side to face Jay. He smiled at her as soon as their eyes met and she couldn't help smiling back at him.

"Hi," Erin whispered.

"Hey you," Jay whispered back.

Erin pulled her hand from her stomach and reached towards Jay. She gripped the side of his neck, just under his ear, and kept the smile on her face.

"You didn't have any nightmares last night. You know I'm a light sleeper so I would have heard you. I would have felt you move," Jay said, moving one of his hands to the back of Erin's head. His fingers disappeared beneath her dark blonde hair and the tips of his fingers massaged her scalp.

Erin gave a slight shake of her head, her smile slowly turning up into a smirk on her lips. "No, I didn't. Slept through the whole night. I blame you."

Jay chuckled, removing his hand from Erin's hair to hold her face in his palm. "I take full responsibility."

"I told you I sleep better with you next to me," Erin reminded him.

"You weren't kidding," Jay said to her, smirking back at her.

Erin shook her head again, continuing to stroke the skin of Jay's neck with her thumb.

"So," Jay said.

"So," Erin repeated.

"You love me huh?" Jay asked her with a raised eyebrow and a deeper smirk.

Erin smiled wider at him with a blush in her cheeks and a shyness gleaming from her eyes that Jay had only ever seen a handful of times before. As though she only kept her true self reserved for him.

"Ya know, I was really tired last night and saying crazy things –"

Jay laughed and shook his head, moving his hand from Erin's stomach to her lower back to pull her closer towards him.

"Can't take it back now," he told her, his face inches from hers.

The tint in Erin's cheeks flourished pink and she pulled her bottom lip between her teeth. She shrugged and slid her hand from his neck, down his chest and to his waist.

"You know I love you back," Jay said quietly.

Erin nodded, released the hold on her lip and closed the remaining space that was between them. She placed her lips over Jay's, kissing him softly and he kissed her back with the same gentle tenacity. Jay kept his hand on her back and moved his arm from underneath the pillow to hold the back of Erin's head. They kissed one another for several moments. Soft caresses of lips against one another's. Erin pulled away first, running her tongue over her bottom lip before tucking it between her teeth again. Another shy smile was on her face.

"I've missed this," Erin confessed.

Jay nodded, moving one hand's finger tips over the skin on Erin's back while his other hand remained hidden within her hair. "Me too."

"Ya know, Nadia…she um, she kind of knew about us. Before we, well, before we ended things," Erin told him.

"Really?"

Erin nodded.

"Why didn't you tell me before?" Jay asked.

Erin shrugged. "She didn't mention anything until after you and I ended things that night in the locker room. She said she hadn't seen you around in a few days, so I told her what happened. She rolled her eyes at me. Called me a chicken for not standing up to Voight. For not telling him that you were what I wanted. She really liked you. Said you were always looking out for her."

Jay smiled as Erin spoke, keeping his hands on her and holding her close. "She was a good person. I'll never forget the pain she put Ruzek through when she kicked him between his legs. That was gold."

Erin smiled at the memory, remembering how hard she had laughed when Jay told her what Nadia had done.

"It was only a matter of time honestly. If Nadia hadn't, I probably would have. God, he was such an annoying rookie back then," Erin said, shaking her head.

"He's come a long way since then, though," Jay told her.

She nodded. "He's good police."

"So are you, you know? Do you think you'll ever come back? Completely, I mean?" Jay asked her.

Erin took a deep breath, blowing the air from her lungs through parted lips. "Maybe. Never say never."

Jay smiled a small grin. "I'll take it."

She smiled back at him before glancing over her shoulder. She saw the time and turned back to face the man beside her. "We should really get up."

Jay nodded once before he leaned in towards Erin and kissed her once on the forehead. "You get ready. I'll go start some decaf for you."

Erin rolled her eyes as Jay pulled himself away from her and stood from the bed. "I hate decaf."

"At least it's something. You gonna eat?"

Erin nodded. "I'll try."

Jay threw her another smile and she returned it as she got up from the bed.

"Good. I'll see what's in the kitchen. I'll meet you downstairs," he told her.

She nodded once more before she started rifling through her dresser and Jay left the room. He made his way downstairs in just his boxers, deciding he'd get dressed while Erin ate. He stepped off the last step and turned around the banister, making his way down the hallway towards the kitchen. He stopped in his tracks in the entryway of the kitchen, his eyes falling on his Sergeant sat at the table with an open newspaper in his hands.

"Morning, Jay," Hank greeted, his eyes reading over the sports article in front of him.

Jay coughed, trying to clear his throat, but he couldn't shake how awkward he felt standing in his Sergeant's kitchen in just his underwear. He cleared his throat once more and nodded to his boss. "Sir."

Hank dipped the newspaper below his line of vision to look at Jay. "What'd I tell you about that?"

"I'm sorry sir, I – crap. It's a habit."

Hank nodded and returned to his newspaper. "Is Erin still asleep?"

Jay coughed again and shook his head even though Hank wasn't looking at him. "No, she's getting dressed."

Hank nodded, his eyes still on the newspaper. "Coffee's on the counter."

"Got any decaf anywhere?" Jay asked.

"Yeah, I picked up some earlier in the week for Erin. Cabinet above the coffee maker, bottom shelf," Hank told him.

"Thanks," Jay told him.

Jay walked to the coffee machine, pouring himself a cup, before pulling open the cabinet Hank had specified to make decaf for Erin. As the coffee was brewing Jay turned towards Hank. The older man was still reading his newspaper and sipping from a coffee mug on the table in front of him.

"This is kinda weird, right?" Jay said to his boss before bringing his own cup of coffee to his lips.

"Why's that?" Hank asked, turning a page of his newspaper.

"Because I'm standing shirtless in your kitchen in my boxers. You're usually at the district by now. I didn't think I'd run into you. Especially not like this."

Hank dropped his newspaper for a moment to glance at Jay. He shrugged. "It's only weird if you make it weird, Jay. You act like you've never slept in my house or been inside here before today."

"Yeah, but you know with Erin and everything going on. And you've said –"

Hank folded up his paper and plopped it down on the top of the table before he stood from his chair. He picked up his coffee mug and walked towards Jay, who stood by the sink and remained silent. Hank put his mug in the sink, rinsed it out, and then stuck it in the dishwasher before he turned to face Jay.

"You already knocked her up, Halstead. There's not a whole lot I can do about it now," Hank told his detective.

"You can still hit me though," Jay mumbled.

Hank chuckled, shaking his head. "I'm not gonna hit you, Jay. As long as you're there for Erin and the kid, we're straight. I just want Erin to be happy and healthy, ya know?"

Jay swallowed nervously. "I do know. I want the same for her and I'll always be there for them. You can count on that."

Hank nodded before he extended his arm out to his detective. Jay set the coffee mug down onto the counter and stepped towards his Sergeant. The two men tightly shook hands, sharing a look of understanding between them.

"Then like I said, we're straight," Hank said.

Jay nodded once before releasing Hank's hand. "Thank you."

"What's going on?" Erin asked as she entered the kitchen, unaware of what had just taken place between the two men.

Jay shook his head. "Nothing."

Erin raised her eyebrows at him, silently daring him to lie to her again.

"I'll tell you later, I promise," Jay assured her, winking at her.

Erin nodded and it was Jay's turn to raise his brows at her attire as she stepped further into the kitchen. She was dressed in black leggings and usual boots, and had Jay's hoodie pulled on over a dark green t-shirt that fell to mid-thigh. She looked nervously between Jay and Hank, swallowing nervously.

"What?" Erin asked, noticing Jay's eyes.

"Wearing leggings to work?" Jay teased.

Erin rolled her eyes. "None of my jeans fit comfortably. And besides, you said no more of them last night, remember? Now, where's my fake coffee?"

Jay smiled and threw his hand up in the air, pointing his thumb over his shoulder. "Waiting for you."

Erin made her way to the coffee maker on the counter behind Jay and quickly grabbed a clean mug from a nearby cabinet. She poured herself a cup and made it up with a little bit of sugar before she turned around to face the men behind her. It was then she noticed Jay was only wearing his boxers and Hank was standing next to him.

Erin swallowed hard and then released a nervous laugh. "Um, uh, this is kind of weird. Um, it's not, I mean this isn't what – "

Hank rolled his eyes before he tipped his head at Jay. "I'll see ya."

Jay nodded and Erin watched on, almost holding her breath, as Hank walked towards her. Once he approached her Hank kissed the side of her head and gave her shoulder a gentle squeeze. "I'll see you later, too. No rush. Make sure you eat some breakfast, alright?"

Erin quirked an eyebrow, but gave a quick nod of her head. Hank smiled at her and squeezed her shoulder once more.

"Alright then," Hank said before he walked out of the kitchen. A moment later the sound of the front door opening and closing was heard.

Erin looked up at Jay with more than curious eyes and pointed in the direction Hank had just walked in.

"What was that?" Erin asked.

Jay shrugged. "What was what?"

"Don't play dumb with me. You saw that right? It was weird," Erin said.

"What was weird?" Jay asked.

Erin sighed, annoyed, and shrugged one shoulder. "Oh, I don't know. The fact that you're all, but naked in Hank Voight's kitchen, and we slept in the same bed last night and he probably knows that and he didn't say one word. What is he even doing here? He's usually gone to the district by now! I thought we would be able to avoid this."

Jay laughed quietly and shook his head at Erin as he stepped towards her. He reached his hands out to grab hers and he squeezed them.

"Now who's the one worrying too much?" Jay teased.

"I'm serious, Jay. I don't wanna further piss off Voight. Not after everything I've done. I just – I wanna stay on his good side. Do you really think you being in his kitchen in your boxers is going to help keep us on his good side?"

Jay grinned at her, practically ear to ear, still holding Erin's hands.

She shook her head at him and tried to pull her hands out of his grasp, but Jay held on. "That's just great. I'm upset and you're smiling. What are you smiling like an idiot for? Let me go."

Jay laughed again. "You have no idea do you?"

"No idea about what?"

"Did you happen to hear any of mine and Voight's conversation before you came into the kitchen?"

"No. Should I have? What did he say to you? See, he did say something or he did something. What happened?"

Jay squeezed Erin's hands once more and took another step towards her. He closed the remaining space between them as best he could with Erin's pregnant belly between them, and then released one of her hands to bring it to hold the side of her face.

"What did he say to you?" Erin asked him, her voice quiet and almost trembling. Jay's eyes locked on hers and he noticed the tears forming in the corners of them.

"You need to take a deep breath and relax. It's nothing to be upset over, I promise."

"But – "

Jay shook his head. "Breathe. Relax."

Jay moved his thumb over Erin's cheek and watched her as she obliged him. She closed her eyes and took several deep breaths before she re-opened her eyes to look up at Jay.

"Now tell me," Erin said to him.

Jay smiled softly at her and leaned down, pressing his lips against Erin's before she could say anything else. It was over as quick as it began and when Jay pulled back, Erin sighed.

"I will tell you everything tonight," Jay told her.

She sighed again deeply, closing her eyes, shaking her head. "Jay – "

"Hey," Jay said, holding her chin in place and she opened her eyes again. "I promise you everything is fine. Voight didn't do anything to me. He's not gonna keep me away from you or the baby okay?"

Erin nodded slowly, keeping her eyes on his. "So, what now then?"

Jay breathed out through his mouth and smiled softly at her once more. "Now, I'll get some food for you and our son, and while you're eating I'll go upstairs and get dressed. We'll leave here and swing by my place so I can get some clean clothes, and then we'll head on over to the district. Then tonight after shift, we'll go out and get dinner and I'll tell you everything, but right now we're running late so we've gotta get a move on."

"Okay," Erin mumbled. She looked down at their hands still joined together and squeezed his fingers against hers. She lifted her head, and locked eyes with Jay again. "You promise me everything is okay?"

Jay nodded, looking her directly in her eyes. "I promise."

Erin sighed. "Alright."

Jay smiled. "Tonight we'll go to the Purple Pig and get you some really good food. What do you say?"

"I say you're buying if we go there," Erin joked.

"Of course I'm buying," Jay told her.

"Jay, I was kidding."

"I wasn't," he said.

"Are you asking me out, Halstead?" Erin asked, one eyebrow rose.

Jay smiled at her. "Are you saying yes?"

Erin laughed nervously, pulling her bottom lip between her teeth. He recognized the tint in her cheeks like he'd seen last night and this morning, and it made him smile.

"I don't think we've ever, I mean, you know – "

Jay shook his head. "We haven't. Which is why we should. So, Erin, will you go out with me?"

Erin smiled at him, feeling the warmth in her face. She swallowed nervously, but nodded her head slowly. "Yes, I will."


	15. Chapter 15

My apologies for the delay folks. I've been struggling lately. I'm still working on the LLO epilogue. I have lost all inspiration for it. Please just bear with me. I hope you like this chapter. Please let me know what you think and I apologize again for any mistakes. Enjoy.

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own or have any affiliation to Chicago PD, its characters, writers, cast or crew.

* * *

The day lulled by and when the clock read half past five Erin was more than ready to leave the district. She was still feeling exhausted, despite sleeping so well the night before. The pregnancy seemed to be taking a heavier toll on her than she had anticipated. As she finished up the last of the work on the few files in front of her a shadow cast over her desk. Erin looked up from the paperwork in her hands and saw Kim standing in front of her.

"Hi," Kim said. There was a nervous tick in her voice that made Erin raise an eyebrow and offer a small smile.

"Hi. What's up?" Erin asked.

"Um, well I uh, I just wanted to talk to you. I sort of had a question to ask you."

Erin nodded. "Shoot."

"Okay, well, um, I know you've had a lot going on and I know you're still working on you, but I'd really like for you to be a part of mine and Adam's wedding. I'll understand if you can't of course, but maybe you could just think about it."

Erin nodded slowly, taking in her colleague's words. She smiled softly. "Yeah, I'll think about it."

Kim smiled back widely. "Okay, yeah. Great. I guess I'll see you tomorrow then?"

"Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow. Have a good night," Erin said.

"You too," Kim said.

As Kim disappeared down the stairs and out of the bullpen, Erin felt a presence behind her. As she began to turn her head she smelled Jay before she saw him, but before she could say a word he beat her to it, leaning in over her shoulder.

"I'll pick you up at eight. I'm driving," Jay whispered to her. He kissed the side of her head just as a smirk came over Erin's lips, and then he was gone within a moment.

Erin quickly finished the remainder of her work and in another fifteen minutes she was done. She packed up her desk for the night, turned off her computer, and then grabbed her jacket before she made her way towards Hank's office. She stood in the open doorway, leaning against its frame and cleared her throat. Hank looked up and tipped his head towards her.

"What's up, kid?"

"You ready to head out for the day?" Erin asked him, pointing her thumb over her shoulder.

Hank nodded standing from his desk. "Yeah, sure. What do you feel like for dinner?"

"Actually, I um, I kind of have plans," Erin said quietly.

Hank smiled and shook his head. "Halstead?"

Erin swallowed the lump of nerves in her throat and nodded. "He asked me."

"Okay," Hank said. He reached for his jacket on the hook by his office door and pulled it on as he faced Erin.

"Asked me as in, he asked me out on a date. Like a real date and I said yes," Erin told him.

"Okay," Hank said again with a shrug of his shoulders.

"That's all you've gotta say about it?"

Hank shrugged.

"You're really not gonna say anything else?" Erin asked him.

"I'll tell you the same thing I told Jay this morning – the guy already knocked ya up, Erin. I couldn't stop you from playing house even if I tried now. The guy loves you and I know you love him. The end of the day, all that matters to me is that you're happy, and that you and my grandchild are taken care of, ya hear?"

"That's what you said to him this morning?"

Hank nodded. "He said he'd always be there for the two of you. I told him we're straight. What'd you think I said?"

"With you? Who knows?"

Hank rolled his eyes. "You're like a daughter to me, Erin. I just want you to be happy."

Erin looked down to the floor, biting the inside of her cheek. She hesitated a moment before she lifted her head and locked her eyes on Hank's once again. "Jay makes me happy, Hank. He makes me feel like I'm worth something, ya know?"

Hank smiled a soft grin at the woman in front of his. He nodded slowly, remembering similar words he had once heard before from his late wife regarding him. "Yeah, I do know, kid. Which is why I'm not gonna stand in the way of that anymore. You have my word on that."

Erin smiled as tears pooled in the corners of her eyes. "Thank you."

"Come on. Let's get out of here," Hank told her, tipping his head towards the door. Erin nodded once and the two made their way through the pen to leave.

The next hour and a half quickly passed and soon enough it was almost eight. Erin sat in the living room at five of, knowing Jay would arrive right on time. The last few minutes ticked by and at eight on the dot the doorbell rang causing Erin to nearly jump out of her seat on the sofa.

Hank chuckled as he stood from his reclining chair. "Will you relax kid?"

"I can't help that I'm nervous," Erin told him.

"Don't know why. It's just Jay," Hank told her as he made his way to the door.

"That's my point," Erin mumbled as her pseudo-father pulled open the front door.

Hank came face to face with a rather cleaned up Jay Halstead. The detective wore dark jeans and black boots with a black leather jacket thrown on over a light blue button down shirt.

"Jay," Hank greeted, tipping his head at the younger man. Jay nodded at Hank who pulled the door open wider and waved Jay inside as Erin stood from the couch.

"Hey you," Jay smiled, his eyes quickly finding Erin's from the entryway.

Erin smiled back. "Hi."

"Ready to go?" Jay asked.

Erin nodded and walked towards him, grabbing her jacket off the staircase banister.

"You two have fun. Don't forget about your curfew," Hank teased, patting Erin's shoulder.

Jay stood unblinking, looking between Erin and Hank, while Erin raised her eyebrows at Hank who stood off to the side. She was sure he was teasing, but his words still made her nervous.

Hank rolled his eyes. "Ya can't take a joke now? Go. Have fun. I'll see you later."

Jay and Erin said a quick goodbye before they made their way to the Chrysler parked out front. Jay followed close behind Erin and pulled open the passenger side car door for her. She eyed him with a small smirk on her lips, sat down in the seat, and buckled herself in as Jay closed the door. He walked around the car to get in on the driver's side, buckling up before he turned over the ignition. He kept the car in park, letting the heat kick in and turned his head to look at Erin.

"So I got you something earlier," he told her.

Erin smiled at the boyish charm of his voice. He was nervous and she found it to be adorable. "Well, what is it?"

Jay reached behind him and pulled a brown paper bag from the backseat floor. He handed it over to Erin with a sheepish smile still planted on his face. Erin took it with ready hands, noting the bag didn't feel light, and she set it down between her legs on the floor. She reached into the bag, pulled out its contents and soon felt fresh tears in her eyes as she looked the items over in her hands.

"I figured they would come in handy since I knocked you up and all," Jay teased her. His voice caught Erin off guard and she looked up, blinked, and felt the tears leave her eyes.

She looked back down to her lap a second later and smiled at the books that rested on her knees – the ever so popular, "What to Expect When You're Expecting," a guidebook on healthy pregnancy, and a baby name book.

"I got my own copies, too. Thought we could learn some new stuff together," Jay told her.

"Thank you," Erin said to him with a teary-eyed, but sincere smile.

Jay nodded, smiling back at the woman sat beside him. "You're welcome."

Erin looked back down at the books in her lap and smiled a tiny bit wider before she placed them back inside the bag at her feet.

"Come on. Let's go get us three some food," Jay said, shifting into drive.

A short drive later the pair was seated at a table inside The Purple Pig. Jay had called ahead at some point before he picked her up, allowing them to be seated quite quickly giving the rush there always seemed to be at the popular dining spot.

They were sat across from one another and had received their drinks from the waiter before they placed their food order. It was busy inside the restaurant, but not annoying to the point where you couldn't hear the people you were with or the thoughts reeling in your own mind.

"This is kinda strange, huh?" Erin asked then.

Jay looked at her with curious eyes and single raised eyebrow. "What's that?"

Erin shrugged. "Us. Here. Out to eat like this."

Jay smirked at her. "We've gone out to eat before, ya know?"

Erin rolled her eyes before letting out a loose chuckle. "Yes, I know, but it – this feels different. Don't get me wrong, I like it. Kinda feels very official. And it's nice not having to worry if Voight is gonna bust through the door at any moment and drag your ass outta here."

Jay nodded along in agreement. "You have no idea how much of a relief it is to know your dad isn't gonna try and kill me any time soon."

"Oh. Oh, okay. I see now. You knocked me up on purpose just so Voight would play nice? Got it," Erin nodded with pursed lips.

Jay laughed, quickly noticing her teasing tone. "Damn, you caught me."

"Yeah, I always pegged you for a jerk," Erin said.

"So you say, but you're the one that started this whole thing between us to begin with," Jay told her eyeing her with bright blue eyes.

"I did not!"

"You did too!"

"And how do you figure that exactly?" Erin asked him.

"The constant touching and flirting. Inviting me as your fake fiancé to your high school reunion – which you were so adamant on going to, and then you conveniently changed your mind at the very last minute and the two of us went out drinking. And you were totally jealous of Maddie when you realized her and I slept together that one time."

"Um, you loved the constant touching and flirting, and don't you try and pretend as if you didn't. You liked the attention and if I remember correctly, you didn't put up much of a fight about going to the reunion with me. And while we're speaking of jealousy, I have two words for you: Kelly Severide."

Jay's face dropped at the mention of the fireman and he glared at Erin across the table, but his eyes quickly turned soft and he smirked at her a second later.

"At least I know you prefer me in bed," Jay quipped.

Erin scoffed. The air around them still light and the banter continued. "When did I ever say that?"

Jay shook his head. "Oh, you didn't have to. Your actions spoke for you."

"And what actions were those exactly?"

"Oh, ya know, it was only what? A few hours after I told you that we no longer worked together that we made that bust for the feds, and then you came knocking on my door. You were wearing that sexy suit with a sexy little smirk on your face to match. You knew what was about to go down as soon as you showed up. And that lacy bra thing you had on under your shirt. Tell me the truth right now. Were you wearing that all day or did you change just before you came to my apartment?"

Erin felt the rush of heat to her face and knew she was blushing. She tried to keep from laughing and bit her lip. "You'll never know."

"Which tells me you did. Now I really feel special."

Erin laughed then and shook her head, reaching for her glass of water to her right. "Shut up."

Their food arrived then and they ate in the comfortable quiet that surrounded them.

"Ya know what's gonna be really great to see?" Jay asked Erin before he stabbed one of the stuffed olives on her plate with his fork. He popped it into his mouth as he looked at her.

Erin glared back at him. "The bruise on your arm when I punch you if you don't keep your fork off my plate? Seriously, leave my food alone."

Jay swallowed the food down and chuckled. "What's gonna be funny is the look on Justin's face when he finds out that not only am I basically your boyfriend now, but that we're also having a kid together. The look on his face should be quite comical and I'm gonna enjoy it."

Erin coughed at his words and reached for her water. She took a long swig followed by a deep breath before swallowing nervously and meeting Jay's gaze. "Boyfriend, huh?"

Jay's eyes bulged out, his Adam's apple bobbed, and he smiled an awkward grin after realizing what he had actually just said to her. He immediately felt like an idiot. "I'm sorry. I uh, damn it. I'm sorry, Erin. I shouldn't have said that. I take it back. I'm sorry."

Erin shook her head slowly and smiled at him before she reached for his hand. She squeezed it tight in hers. "Can't take it back now."

As they kept their gaze locked on one another Erin could see the nerves that still clouded Jay's eyes. His hand trembled nervously – the tiniest of vibrations against her hand, but she could see the realization come over him as he seemed to recognize her words as his own from their early morning conversation.

"Is that so?" Jay asked her.

Erin nodded. "Besides, I know what Hank said to you this morning. He told me. It's a nice thought. Don't you think?"

Jay's trembling hand stilled in Erin's and the corners of his mouth twitched upward into a warm smile as he looked at Erin with the same tenderness in his eyes. Jay nodded wordlessly and gave her hand a firm squeeze. Erin pulled her hand back to her side of the table and the two continued to eat. The silence between them as they ate remained peaceful and Erin laughed, only somewhat annoyed when Jay stole another olive from her plate.

Sometime later the check had been paid by Jay and the two were ready to leave. Jay didn't think twice as he stepped ahead of Erin to lead her through the large crowd of people that had formed at the front of the restaurant. He reached behind him and found Erin's hand, lacing his fingers through hers. He felt her squeeze his hand as he led her out the front door and down the block towards the car. Jay opened the door for Erin once again – ever the gentleman.

"Let's get you home," Jay said as he put the car in drive. Erin nodded and set her left hand over the center console, palm up, and Jay smiled as he placed his right hand over top of hers. Their fingers seemed to thread together on their own and Erin felt a soft, lazy smile ghost her lips as she leaned back into the cushion of the seat.

It's just a short drive to Hank's house and as Jay brought the car to a stop alongside the curb Erin felt a pang of disappointment in her chest. She looked through the glass of the car window and released a short sigh before she turned her head to face Jay. He released her hand and reached for the bag of books at her feet, and then the two got out of the car.

They two of them moved side by side as Jay walked Erin up the path, and then the front porch steps to the door. As they stood on the porch they faced one another, each of them with a soft smile on their faces.

"Do you wanna come inside for a little bit?" Erin asked him, tipping her head towards the door.

"I don't think that's part of proper first date etiquette. There are rules you know."

Erin shrugged. "When have you and I ever followed the rules?"

Jay laughed, but shook his head. "I really don't want another run-in with Voight like this morning."

"He doesn't care and I'm already pregnant," Erin reminded him as if he didn't know.

"Yeah, but it's still sorta weird," Jay said.

"Why's that?"

"Because I'm pretty sure at one point Voight hated me. Not to mention him threatening me multiple times. Things are really different now. It's just going to take some getting used to, is all."

"So why don't you come inside then and you can start getting used to it," Erin suggested.

Jay smiled down at her, contemplating her offer, but shook his head. "Maybe another time."

Erin nodded slowly, trying to hide her disappointment. "Okay. I'll see you tomorrow then?"

"Of course you will. I wanna kiss you before I leave though. Can I?"

Erin raised her eyebrows. "Asking permission to kiss me? You really are the perfect gentleman."

Jay laughed. "I know I've never asked before, but I figure since it's our first official date I need to pull out all the stops with you."

"You already got into my pants, Jay."

"Maybe that's not all I'm after."

"Meaning?" Erin pushed.

Jay smiled at her with bright eyes. "You know."

Erin nodded, her eyes tearing up in the corners because she did know.

"So, can I kiss you or not?" Jay asked.

Erin nodded again, swallowing a sudden bout of nerves that made her insides do somersaults. Jay let the bag of books rest on the porch at his feet as he took a step towards Erin. He took another step towards her and brought his left hand to her waist. He gripped her side in a gentle hold and brought his right hand up to hold the side of Erin's face. Their eyes stayed locked on each other's and as they moved in closer their eyelids closed and then Jay's lips met Erin's. He kissed her slowly with honorable intent and let his thumb graze down the soft skin of Erin's cheekbone, and then the frame of her jawline. Erin raised right hand and rested over Jay's at her side and moved her left to hold Jay's hand against her face. Her hand lingered over his on her waist for another single moment before she moved it up his arm, his shoulder and before sliding it behind his head to grip the back of his neck. Jay didn't stop kissing her until they both needed the air and he pulled back just an inch away from Erin's face. They both took deep breaths before Jay leaned in against the side of Erin's face and his lips brushed against her temple.

Erin smiled at him, running her fingertips over the back of his head. "Are you sure you don't wanna come in for a bit? Maybe we'll get lucky and Hank is already upstairs so we can do some more of that."

Jay chuckled, the tips of his ears turning pink at the thought of making out with Erin in her pseud-father's house; as if they were a couple of hormonal teenagers. "As much as I would love to, I think it's best to end the night right here."

Erin sighed. "Okay."

Jay leaned in once more and kissed her forehead. "I'll see you tomorrow."

Erin nodded and gave him a small smile. "Thank you for dinner."

"You're welcome," Jay told her before they released one another.

Erin dropped her hands to her sides as Jay leaned down and picked up the almost forgotten bag at his feet. He handed it to Erin and she took it.

"Goodnight Halstead," Erin said quietly.

"Goodnight Lindsay," Jay said back.

Erin took another step back and turned, pulling her keys out of her pocket to put her house key in the door. She threw one last glance over her shoulder and smiled at Jay before she stepped inside the house and closed the door behind her, and then Jay turned around to walk back to the car.

Once she entered the house Erin quickly took off her jacket and kicked off her boots. She noticed the light on in the kitchen and placed the bag in her hands down on the couch before making her way down the hallway. Once she reached the kitchen she saw Hank sitting at the island, a pint of ice cream in front of him on the counter top and a spoon in his right hand.

"Hey kid," Hank greeted with a short nod of his head.

Erin offered up a small smile in return. "Hey."

"So, how was your date with Jay? Where'd you guys go anyway?"

Erin sighed, "Purple Pig, and it was great up until you still managed to scare him off without even being there and saying anything."

Hank held his spoon in front of his mouth, mid-bite, and raised his eyebrows. "Excuse me? What are you talking about?"

"I invited him inside and he said no because of what happened this morning."

Hank rolled his eyes. "How is what happened this morning my fault? And why is it such a big deal? Get over it already."

Erin sighed, annoyed, and shook her head. "It's not your fault. I don't know. Things are just much more different now than they were a year ago."

Hank dropped his spoon in the sink and returned the ice cream to the freezer. He turned back around to face Erin. "As true as that may be, you do realize that you're not a teenager anymore right?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Erin asked him as she leaned back against the counter top.

"Erin, you're thirty years old. You're about to have a kid of your own here in a few months. If you wanna go have a sleepover at your boyfriend's place I'm not gonna stop you. You have a key for this house. You can come and go as you please."

"Really?" Erin asked.

Hank rolled his eyes again. "Go get a bag packed. I'll drive you there myself."

Erin just smiled as she pushed herself from the counter, and then left the kitchen to head upstairs.

Thirty minutes later Hank had dropped Erin off at Jay's apartment building. She stood outside his door, raised a closed fist and knocked thrice against it. He opened the door in a pair of sweats and a t-shirt, and his eyes lit up in surprise when he saw her.

"What are you – "

Erin stepped towards him before he could utter another syllable and she cut him off with her lips on his.

"Wherever you are is where I wanna be," Erin whispered against his lips.

Jay grinned back at her. "Is that so?"

Erin smiled. "Well, you and our son once he finally gets here."

Jay's grin just grew wider and Erin leaned forward to place another quick kiss against his lips.

"Plus last night was the best night's sleep I've had since your last day in New York and I intend to sleep like that again," Erin smirked.

"So you're just using me for my body. Thanks," Jay teased in mock disgust.

Erin shook her head, a tiny smirk still imprinted on her lips. "You gonna let me in or what?"

Jay nodded, pulled the door open wider and grabbed Erin's hand to pull her inside his apartment. He closed the door and took Erin's bag from her before he led her towards his closed off bedroom. He set the bag down on top of a dresser and the two of them moved to sit down on Jay's bed. They sat facing one another as Jay still held Erin's hand. He grabbed onto the other, and looked into her eyes.

"Seriously, not that I'm not happy that you're here, but what _are_ you doing here?"

Erin shrugged. "I just don't wanna be away from you anymore than I have to be."

Jay squeezed her hands in his and smiled at her. "Makes two of us."

Erin smiled back at him as Jay leaned in towards her and kissed her forehead.

"Let's go to bed," Erin said as Jay pulled away from her. He nodded his head and the two of them stood from the bed. While Erin stripped down to just a cami and her underwear, Jay moved through his apartment to turn off the lights and secured the lock and chain on his door.

Jay made his way back to his bed and climbed in besides Erin, who immediately turned to face him on her right side. Jay opened his arm for her and Erin immediately snuggled in against him. He wrapped his arm around her and dropped his hand into Erin's hair while she kept her right arm wedged between her and Jay's bodies. Her left arm, Erin draped across Jay's stomach; her fingertips grazed his warm skin as she moved her hand beneath his t-shirt.

"I'm glad you came here tonight," Jay said a few quiet moments later.

Erin sighed contently into his shirt covered chest. "Me too."

"How'd you get here anyways?" Jay asked her.

"Hank drove me. He has seriously warmed up to you, Halstead. Things are definitely changing around here. That's for sure," Erin told him.

Jay smiled at the sound of Erin's sleepy voice and kissed the top of her head. "Go to sleep baby."

"I'm already going…love you, Jay," Erin murmured, her eyes closing.

Jay kissed her hair once more. "I love you too, Erin."


	16. Chapter 16

Hey folks! I'm finally back with another chapter for all of you. I've seriously been dealing with the worst case of writer's block. I really wanna thank all of you for your constant support with this story though, and a special thank you to those who have reached out over the last few weeks to check up on me. I really hope you guys are still with me here. I do have some twists coming and I do apologize for any mistakes in this chapter. Please let me know what you think of it. Enjoy!

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own or have any affiliation to Chicago PD, its characters, writers, cast or crew.

* * *

Jay would have never pegged Erin for being one to enjoy a good cuddle. When the pair had started this thing between them Jay soon noticed how Erin would always snuggle against him with an arm thrown over his stomach and her head on his shoulder. And this morning had been no different. When he woke before the alarm Jay had been greeted with the same sight he had been waking up to for the last three mornings since his and Erin's date Tuesday night.

Jay had quickly decided that waking with her by his side was one of his most favorite things. The difference in their heights was sort of perfect because when Erin fell asleep her head would lull beneath Jay's underarm, saving him the painful sleeping shoulder sensation when he woke. Her upper body would always be pressed against him. Even with a larger belly in front of her she somehow maneuvered it. Her hands would rest against his stomach; her fingers always touching him in some way, even in her sleep.

Her legs were wild things though, always sprawled out. One tucked under covers and the other sticking out to the side. She'd always told him she was most comfortable that way. As Erin slept beside Jay he had noticed these things and then some. The soft mews of contentment that would escape through parted lips. The way she murmured Jay's name in her sleep if he kissed her anywhere or his fingers touched her skin. She just always seemed to know even while unconscious.

As Jay watched Erin sleep he felt a smile creep over his lips and moved a hand to the side of her head. His palm pressed against her hair and his fingers sank in to touch her scalp. He heard his name come from her lips and he had to force back the laugh that threatened to escape his throat. Instead he leaned forward and kissed Erin's forehead. One of those familiar whimpers slipped into the air and Jay kissed her forehead again.

"Erin," Jay whispered.

She didn't move and Jay slipped his hand from Erin's head to her shoulder, and then slid it down to her lower back. His fingers disappeared beneath the fabric of Erin's t-shirt to dance along her heated skin.

"Erin," Jay whispered again.

He heard another mew of sleepiness slip from Erin's lips, followed by a moan, and then a groan from being woken up and soon her eyes flickered open.

"I thought Voight gave us the morning off," Erin said looking up at him with droopy hazel eyes.

"He did, but I want you to wake up and have breakfast with me," Jay told her leaning down to kiss her lips before she could complain about morning breath and push him away. Erin kissed him back for a moment before she pressed a hand to his chest and pushed him back.

"I don't want food right now. I want more sleep," she said.

Jay chuckled. "It's Friday and you have a session this morning. You've gotta get out of bed and get dressed for the day."

Erin groaned and turned over on her other side, and buried her face into the pillow. Jay shook his head and moved towards her, leaning and pressing his lips against the exposed skin of Erin's right shoulder.

"Come on. You've gotta get up. I'll go make some of your fake coffee for you. "

Erin groaned into the pillow before she lifted her head and turned on her back. She caught Jay's eye and smiled at him right before he leaned down and kissed her lips.

"You're gonna do this every day aren't you?" Erin asked once they separated and Jay moved down the bed.

Erin watched on as he perched himself over her, straddling her legs the same way he'd been doing for the last two days. He grinned and nodded his head slowly at her before he moved his hands to the hem of her camisole and pushed it up. Erin shivered when his large hands rested against her belly and she released a content sigh as Jay leaned forward and pressed his lips against her stretched out skin. He kissed the left side, the right, the lower end of the pregnancy line that ran down the middle of her stomach and then kissed just above her naval.

"Daddy loves you buddy," Jay whispered against Erin's belly.

"You're such a dork, Halstead," Erin said as Jay peppered her stomach with several more kisses.

Jay only smiled at her as he pulled her top back down into place, and then got up from the bed. He stood at the side of it and leaned down.

"You love it," Jay said before kissing her forehead. "Now get up."

Fifteen minutes later Erin walked into the kitchen dressed for the day. Jay stood next to the refrigerator, leaning against the counter and sipping from a coffee mug. Erin walked towards him and reached for the mug sitting on the countertop she knew was for her. She grimaced, but took a sip.

"I'll never understand people who drink decaf regularly. It's gross."

Jay chuckled and set his mug down as he faced her. "You'll be back to the real stuff in no time."

"Not soon enough," she said.

Erin took another sip from her mug before she set it down on the counter. She looked up at Jay, setting her eyes on his and smiled wider. She reached her hands out towards him and set them on either side of his waist and stood on her tip toes. Jay leaned down and captured her lips in a soft kiss, but Erin wanted more. She gripped his sides tighter and pushed her lips against his in a hard kiss, teasing him with the tip of her tongue before she pulled away just enough for him to see the smile spread over her face.

"Good morning," Erin whispered between their lips.

"Morning baby," Jay said before he leaned down and kissed her again.

"I'm starting to get used to this routine we've got going every morning," Erin told him, her voice quiet and eyes shy.

He smiled down at her, raising a hand to hold the side of her face. "Me too."

Erin pulled her left hand from his waist and raised it to his holding her face. "Maybe we should start figuring out this whole moving thing soon, too. I wanna wake up with you every day."

The grin on Jay's face grew to match her own and he nodded down at her.

"But who's gonna tell Voight that his little girl is moving out?" He teased her.

Erin laughed and shook her head. "Shut up."

Jay smiled and pointed to her coffee mug. "You done with that already?"

Erin nodded. "Yeah, so done. Two sips are enough. Can we grab bagels on the way?"

"Of course. I'm gonna get dressed real quick and then we'll head out."

"Okay," Erin said.

Jay kissed the side of her head before he walked out of the kitchen and made his way towards his bedroom.

Twenty minutes later Jay pulled the Chrysler to a stop downtown outside of Dr. Aldman's building.

"I'll see you in an hour," Jay told her squeezing her hand in his.

Erin nodded and Jay brought his hand to his lips to kiss her knuckles. She smiled back at him. "I'll see you later, Halstead."

Jay released her hand and watched after her as Erin made her way towards the building entrance. Once he saw her step inside Jay put the car in drive and pulled away.

 **XXX**

"It's remarkable."

Erin looked up from her lap and set her eyes on her therapist. "What's that?"

Dr. Aldman sat across from her in his usual spot in his leather chair. His eyes locked with hers, his notepad on knee and pen in hand. "How happy you look. Did you take my advice then, Erin? Did you talk to Jay or someone else perhaps?"

Erin smiled at the mention of his name and nodded. "Jay."

Dr. Aldman nodded thoughtfully and held her gaze. "Go on."

"After our last session on Monday, I had an ultrasound. I kind of didn't let Jay come into the room with me. He was upset and we got into a fight at the district. There was yelling and I was crying. Then we ended up telling the unit I was pregnant. I told Jay the baby is a boy and he's so excited. He was like a kid in a candy store when I told him. He ended up kissing me he was so excited. We had dinner that night at Hank's house and we talked – almost about everything. Nadia. How scared I am to be a mom, and then he opened up and told me things. Things about his own mother, about him and his family that I never even knew before. And now because of it everything makes more sense. I get it now."

Dr. Aldman raised his eyebrows and smirked. "Funny how that works out. How talking to someone really brings you back into focus."

Erin rolled her eyes, but smiled. "So, you were right. Don't get all self-righteous on me now doc."

The older man chuckled. "What else did the two of you discuss?"

"We talked about the baby. We felt him kick. Jay slept over that night and I was tired and lying against him and he was holding me, and I told him I love him. The next morning we had a sort of awkward run-in with Hank and Jay asked me out. We went on our first official date. And it was…"

"It was?" The doctor pressed.

Erin shrugged with a nervous smile on her face. "It was sort of perfect. He held my hand and he opened doors for me and paid the check. When he drove me back to Hank's house he walked me to the front door and asked me if he could kiss me even though he'd kissed me a hundred times before that night."

Erin paused and the older man waited for her to continue.

"I'm not usually one for the mushy stuff, but with Jay I just, I don't know. That night was how I had always sort of imagined a first date with someone going. And the fact that it was with him kind of just made it even more special."

"I'm very happy to hear all of this, Erin. You've certainly made a lot more progress since our last session,"

Erin nodded, remembering that night at Hank's house and how she had almost kept it all inside of her. "I kept hearing your words in my head. So, I let him in."

"And do you regret it now?"

Erin smiled and shook her head. "No, I don't."

"That's really wonderful. I'm extremely proud of you, Erin," Dr. Aldman told her, beaming at her.

Erin held the smile on her face; something that seemed to become a permanent fixture, and nodded along once more. "I'm kind of proud of myself, too."

"As you should be. So, tell me. What's next for you?"

Erin sighed, blowing out a deep breath through parted lips as she mulled over her answer. She ended up shrugging her shoulders again. "Keep working on me I guess. Maybe get my spot in Intelligence back after the baby is born. The other girl on the team now is engaged to one of the guys. She asked me to be a part of their wedding so I'm thinking I'm going to accept. Try to get things back to normal around here. Or at least as close to normal as possible anyways with a baby coming."

"You look like you have something more to say. Do you?"

Erin nodded.

Dr. Aldman smiled and gestured with a wave of his hand. "Out with it then. Don't hold back now."

"Jay and I are probably going to move in together before the baby comes."

"Congratulations!" The doctor smiled.

"You don't think it's too soon?" Erin asked.

"Do you?" He countered.

A shy smile ghosted Erin's face and she shook her head.

"Then as I said, congratulations, Erin."

"He makes me happy, Dr. Aldman. Jay, he uh, he makes me really happy. He makes me feel special," Erin confessed.

Dr. Aldman nodded knowingly and held his gaze with the woman sitting in front of him. "That's not a bad thing, Erin. It's a really good thing. Especially after everything that's happened. After what you've been through. Happiness is fleeting. If Jay makes you feel that way, you fight for it. You hold onto it. You hold on and don't ever let it go."

 **XXX**

As Erin walked out of Dr. Aldman's psychiatry office she couldn't help the smile that stayed etched into her face. She was happy and she'd hold onto that for as long as she could.

Erin immediately eyed the Chrysler parked off the curb and seemed to smile wider when she saw Jay standing in front of the passenger side door. His arms crossed and a smile formed on his face as soon as he saw her.

"Hey you," he said to her as she approached him.

"Hi," she said back.

"How'd it go upstairs?" Jay asked.

Erin could immediately hear the hesitation in his voice. But she couldn't blame him; the last time she'd gone to therapy they had fought. She stepped towards him and kissed his cheek as his arms automatically dropped from his chest to encircle her waist.

"It was good," Erin told him.

Jay quieted an eyebrow. She'd never said that one before. "Good?"

Erin nodded and rested her hands against the front of his jacket covered chest. "Good. Really good."

Jay smiled and leaned forward, his lips grazing her forehead. "That's...that's good then."

"Mmhmm," Erin mumbled as she stole a kiss from his lips. "Come on, we gotta go to work."

Jay nodded, a smile still on his face, and he opened the passenger side door for her. Erin got in and buckled up as Jay got in on the other side. Within another moment Jay was driving them towards the district.

 **XXX**

It'd been a busy day. Most of the guys were out following up on leads or meeting up with their C.I.'s. The only ones upstairs were Erin, Kim and Adam. Kim and Adam had just returned from an address Hank had given them to check out. As Erin worked on the case file in front of her the landline to her left rang out. She picked it up after the second ring.

"Intelligence, Erin speaking," she greeted into the receiver.

 _"Hey, Lindsay. There's someone down here for ya."_

Erin immediately recognized Sergeant Platt's voice. Her forehead wrinkled as she took in the desk sergeant's words.

"For me?" Erin asked.

 _"Yes ma'am. Want me to send them up? Are you busy? I can make them wait."_

"No, no, it's fine. I'll be right down."

 _"You sure? I mean, avoid the stairs if you can in your condition. I can bring them up to you."_

"Serg, I'm pregnant. Not paralyzed. I'll be right down. Thanks."

Erin put the phone back down and looked over at Kim and Adam sat at their desks.

"Hey guys. I've got someone downstairs. I'll be back in a few," she said across the room.

Kim and Adam looked up and they both nodded in reply as Erin stood from her desk and made her way downstairs. She eyed Sergeant Platt behind the large front desk and the older woman pointed to the small office across the room. Erin looked over to the closed office door with a quirked eyebrow, curiosity digging at her. She walked to the door, knocked twice, and then entered the office. Her eyes quickly found the person in the room who stood from a chair.

"Mom?"


	17. Chapter 17

Hey y'all. It's been a while, I know, but I'm back with a new chapter and I'm hoping it doesn't completely suck. My apologies for any mistakes. Consider this my holiday gift to you and let me know what you think. Enjoy!

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own or have any affiliation to Chicago P.D., its characters, writers, cast or crew.

* * *

Erin looked over to the closed office door with a quirked eyebrow, curiosity digging at her. She walked to the door, knocked twice, and then entered the office. Her eyes quickly found the person in the room who stood from a chair.

"Mom?"

"Hello sweetheart," Bunny said with a wicked smile on her face.

"What are you doing here?" Erin asked.

"Well, you haven't been by to see me in a while. Don't return my calls or texts. I figured I'd find you here. Did Hank Voight sink his hooks into you again?"

Erin sighed and shook her head, feeling the formation of a migraine between her eyes. "Mom, don't do this. Okay? I needed space from you. From all of it. I was falling back into things that aren't good for me. I can't do that again."

"Don't do what, Erin? Don't tell you the truth? That man has had his eyes set on ruining our relationship since the beginning. Always having to one up me and make me look like a fool. I know I've made mistakes, but I'm your mother. I'm your parent, Erin. Not him. Me."

"I get it mom. I get it and I'm sorry, but I can't do this with you right now. Especially here. Hank could be back any minute and I really don't feel like dealing with a showdown between the two of you here at the district surrounded by people we both work with. I'll call you."

"Maybe a showdown is what needs to happen here Erin. People should know the kind of person Hank Voight really is and not what he pretends to be."

"He doesn't pretend to be anything and you causing a scene certainly isn't going to help. Just go, alright?"

Bunny gave a quick shake of her head and waved her finger in Erin's direction. "I'm not done talking to you, Erin."

"Mom, just go. Please. If you want I'll come see you after shift, but please go."

Bunny shifted her weight to the other foot, a defiant glare in her eyes, and kept her arms crossed over her chest.

"I'll see you later," Erin assured her.

"If you don't come see me you know I'll just come back."

Erin nodded. "I know you will. I'll come, I promise."

Bunny nodded before she dropped her arms and secured the bag on her shoulder. Erin stepped aside and Bunny walked out of the office. Erin followed her out of the small room and watched her mother walk down the front entry steps. She didn't realize she had been holding her breath until the double doors closed behind Bunny and Erin blew out a deep sigh of air. Erin swallowed hard, her heart pounding wild beats against her from inside out. She turned around to walk back upstairs and caught Trudy Platt's concerned gaze.

The desk sergeant nodded towards the doors. "Are you okay Lindsay?"

Erin nodded her head trying to end the conversation as quickly as possible. "It's fine, Serg."

"I didn't ask you if the situation was okay, Detective. I asked if you were. Do I need to call Hank? Or Halstead?"

Erin quickly shook her head. "No, you don't need to call them. I'm fine, really. Just a conversation. Everything is fine."

Platt rolled her eyes. "I know my beauty is timeless Lindsay, but do I look like I was born yesterday? I know who that was. Now, how about we take two and you tell me the truth this time, huh?"

Erin sighed, resting her arms on the desk in front of her and shook her head. "Promise me you won't tell Hank or Jay."

Trudy raised her eyebrows once more. "Are you in any danger here, Erin?"

Erin met the woman's eyes and shook her head.

Trudy nodded. "Then you have my word. Now tell me."

Erin took a deep breath as she lifted a hand to her head and raked her fingers through her hair. "My mother, she – she's sort of been bad news again lately so I've been keeping my distance. Or at least trying to anyway. She just wanted to know why I wasn't returning her phone calls."

"Truth?" Platt questioned keeping a hard stare on Erin.

Erin held the woman's gaze and nodded.

"You're no stranger to how we treat one of our own around here, Lindsay. And you've been through a hell of a lot these last few months, but you know you've got the whole department backing you up so if you need anything just say the word. You hear me?"

Erin nodded once. "Loud and clear."

Platt gave a friendly smile and gestured toward the stairs leading up to the bullpen. "Then you're dismissed detective."

Erin offered a small smile in return and made her way upstairs. She plopped down in her chair, letting out a deep sigh as she did so. Kim and Adam were too engrossed in their work to even acknowledge her presence back up in the pen. Erin took a few deep breaths, trying to relax her nerves and picked up a file on her desk.

Sometime later Erin heard heavy footsteps on the stairs. She turned her head to see the rest of the team enter the pen. She caught Jay's eye and he smiled at her with a toothy grin before he approached her. He leaned down and kissed her forehead once before he pulled back and sat on the edge of her desk.

"Hey you," Jay said looking down at the woman sat before him.

Erin mustered a smile. "Hi."

Jay immediately noticed the tone of her voice and his eyes searched Erin's for answers. "What's wrong?"

Erin quickly shook her head. "Nothing. Just a bit of a headache. Did you catch any leads while you were gone?"

Jay raised an eyebrow, but as Erin looked him directly in the eyes he saw the exhaustion and he believed her words.

He shook his head. "Nope. Voight wants us to disband for the night. Start early again tomorrow with a fresh eyes and a clear head. Someone's got to have seen something."

"Hopefully tomorrow will pan out then," Erin said.

Jay nodded and pointed down to the files opened in front of Erin. "Need some help?"

Erin shook her head. "No, I'm almost done. I uh, I told Voight I'd do dinner with him tonight, just the two of us, so I'll come over to yours after okay?"

"Of course. Have fun and call if you need anything. I'll see you in a few hours, yeah?"

Erin nodded and Jay leaned forward to kiss the top of her head before he stood from the desk.

Jay tipped his head towards Voight's closed office door where their sergeant sat behind his desk engrossed in a phone call. He looked back down at Erin. "Tell Hank I said goodnight."

Erin smiled and nodded, and then Jay said a quick goodbye to the guys before he left the bullpen. Erin waited until she heard the click of the gate echo through the stairwell before she stood and walked towards Hank's office. He had just gotten off the phone and she knocked twice on the door. He looked up and waved her in when he saw her.

Hank smiled at her as she entered his office. "What's up kid?"

"You good if I head out for the night?" Erin asked him.

Hank nodded. "Sure. Halstead waiting for you?"

"Yeah, downstairs," Erin said.

"Get out of here then. I'll see you both tomorrow," Hank told her.

"Thanks. We'll see ya in the morning," Erin said.

Erin turned around and walked to her desk. She grabbed her jacket and headed for the stairs. She saw Kim heading for the doors as she came off the last step.

"Hey Burgess!"

Kim turned and smiled when she saw Erin. "What's up Lindsay?"

"I sort of need a favor."

Kim nodded. "Name it."

"I need a ride somewhere. Hank is still upstairs and Jay left already. Would you mind? It's not far," Erin said.

Kim pulled a set of keys out of her side jacket pocket and jingled them in front of Erin. She tipped her head towards the exit. "Let's go."

Erin nodded and followed Kim out of the front entrance of the district. The pair made their way down the sidewalk and to Kim's car in the parking lot. The two women got in the car and buckled up before Kim put the key in the ignition and turned the engine over.

"So, where to?" Kim asked turning her head to look over at Erin.

"Lincoln and Brown. There's a bar on the corner."

Kim's mouth gaped open as she stared back at Erin with a wide-eyed gaze.

Erin rolled her eyes. "I just need to see someone. I'll be quick."

Kim sighed, torn between what she should do. She looked at Erin now with an unsure, unsteady gaze, but relented a moment later and shifted the car into drive.

Twenty minutes later Kim pulled up alongside the curb of Lincoln Avenue. She killed the engine and looked over at Erin, nodding her head towards the bar.

"Want me to come in with you?" Kim asked, ready to follow after the pregnant woman.

Erin shook her head. "Shouldn't be too long."

"Are you sure, Erin?" Kim asked.

Erin nodded once and firm. "I'll be fine."

"I'll be here then," Kim told her.

"Thanks," Erin said before she got out of the car.

Erin took several deep breaths as she walked towards the front door of her mother's bar. Her heart was beating fast and she felt a sharp kick in her side, as if the child inside her was almost warning her. Erin placed a hand inside the open front of her jacket and rested it over her sweatshirt covered belly.

"Yeah, I know," Erin mumbled to herself.

She knew this was stupid. Meeting with Bunny was the last thing she should be doing. She should just turn around. She should walk back to Kim's car and go home, go home to Jay, but she didn't. She continued walking towards the entrance of the bar and once she reached it, she pulled the wooden door open and stepped inside.

Erin quickly spotted her mother behind the bar and made her way towards the counter. She tipped her head at the older blonde who smiled back at Erin with a Cheshire cat grin.

"You came," Bunny said crossing her arms over her chest.

Erin shrugged. "I said I would. Can we talk somewhere?"

Bunny nodded, dropping her arms and gesturing to the back of the bar. Erin swallowed nervously as she followed after her mother, stuffing her hands in the side pockets of her jacket. Bunny led her to a back room filled with shelves of inventory and closed the door behind them. Silence enveloped the pair before Bunny pointed down Erin's stomach.

"So, ya gonna tell me when that happened or what?" Bunny asked.

"I'm almost seven months along," Erin replied.

"Your detective friend's handy work?" Bunny asked with a raised eyebrow.

Erin swallowed back a lump in her throat and nodded. "He's sorta more than that, but yeah. Jay's the father."

"More than that. What does that mean? Surely you're not keeping the baby?"

Erin scoffed. "Yeah, I am. Most women do that when they get pregnant."

Bunny shook her head. "You know this is a bad idea, Erin. You are not ready to be a mother. Not now, maybe not even ever. It's just not who you are sweetheart."

Erin's eyes slanted in glaring disbelief. "Excuse me?"

"Erin, you're a cop for Christ's sake! You're gonna have this baby and what, marry your partner? Stay home with a newborn? Is that what you really want?"

"Jay wants this baby. I want this baby," Erin told her.

"If he wants the kid so badly then let him have it! Is he gonna do the right thing and put a ring on your finger? Is he gonna take full responsibility for you and this kid?" Bunny asked her, her voice rose with each word that left her mouth.

"Jay loves me. He loves this baby. I don't need a piece of paper or a ring to tell me that," Erin argued.

Bunny sighed and shook her head. She took a step towards Erin and placed her hands on her shoulders. Bunny didn't seem to notice the way Erin flinched at her touch.

"Sweetheart, you and I both know that the kind of person you are isn't the kind of person that should be a mother. You're still grieving and dealing with Nadia's death, and –"

"Don't say her name. Don't talk about her like you knew her," Erin said sharply taking a step away from her mother and crossing her arms over her chest.

Bunny sighed. "I'm sorry. All I'm trying to say here is that the timing isn't really the best for you. Do you really think it's a smart idea to throw a baby into the mix right now? With everything going on?"

Erin quickly shook her head. "I'm fine. I'm doing better than fine even."

"Take it from me, Erin. If I could have waited to have you and Teddy until I was older and a bit more settled, I would have, but that's just not how it happened. Don't make the same mistakes I did. You know that this is the wrong thing to do. Keeping this baby is a mistake and you know it."

"Mom, I –"

"Just think about what I've said. Think about what you're really getting yourself into, okay?"

Erin sighed deeply, about to speak, but she was interrupted by a ping from her phone. She reached into her pocket and pulled out her phone. It was a text message from Kim.

" _Everything okay?"_

Erin slipped the phone back inside her pocket and looked up at her mother. "I've gotta go."

"What do you mean you gotta go? You've been here ten minutes," Bunny said with a clipped tone.

"My ride is waiting for me," Erin told her.

"Text them back and tell them they can go. I'll drive you home," Bunny offered.

Erin quickly shook her head. "They drove me here. They've been waiting. I'll call you in a few days. Just, please don't come back to the district."

Bunny scoffed, shaking her head and ready to speak, but Erin wouldn't let her.

"Mom, please don't come to the district. You and I both know it'll do more harm than good. Just let me have a few days and I'll call you. We can meet up at the diner, but you cannot show up at the district again, okay?"

Erin's pleading voice caught Bunny's ear and the older woman rescinded, nodding her head along to her daughter's request. "I promise I won't show up to the district unannounced."

Erin released a small breath of relief. "Thank you."

Another ping sounded from Erin's jacket pocket then and Erin looked to the door. "I've gotta go now, okay?"

Bunny sighed. "Fine. Call me. Don't make me break my promise and come looking for you, Erin."

Erin swallowed hard and shook her head, reminded of similar words from people of her past. Like Charlie and the guys from her old block from way back when.

"I won't. I'll call you," Erin assured her mother.

Bunny nodded. "Get going then. Wouldn't want you to get in trouble with your keepers."

Erin nodded once and turned for the door. She pulled it open and stepped out of the room. Bunny followed her out and waved her off as Erin made her way to the door. She exited the bar hastily and took quick steps back to Burgess' car. She pulled the passenger side door open and sat down, closing the door with a slight slam. She buckled herself in and blew out another deep breath as she leaned her head against the headrest.

"Are you okay?" Kim asked from the driver's seat. Her voice warm and quiet, full of concern.

Erin turned her head, feeling tears prick the corners of her eyes, and nodded slowly. "Promise me you won't tell anybody about this? No one. Not even Ruzek. Okay?"

Kim swallowed nervously, but nodded as well. "Sure. No problem."

"Thanks," Erin told her.

Kim forced an awkward smile and nodded again. "No problem. So, where to now then?"

"Take me to Jay's," Erin said, closing her eyes and trying to ease her nerves as Kim shifted into drive and pulled away from the curb.


	18. Chapter 18

Hi folks! Here's the next one. Please accept my apologies for any mistakes and other things. Drop a review and let me know what you think. Enjoy!

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own or have any affiliation to Chicago P.D., its characters, writers, cast or crew.

* * *

Kim pulled her car to a stop outside of Jay's apartment building and looked over at Erin in the passenger seat. The pregnant woman reached for the handle, but Kim's voice halted her movement.

"Erin, wait."

Erin turned her head and locked eyes with the other woman.

"Look, I don't know exactly what's going on, but I do know that whatever happened back there is stressing you out and that can't be good for you in your position. And I know we're not close, but even if you don't tell Jay or talk to anyone else about this, just know that I'm here, okay?"

"I appreciate that. Thanks," Erin said.

Kim nodded her head before smiling sheepishly. "I guess I'll see you tomorrow then."

"See ya," Erin said before she got out of the car and walked towards the entrance of the apartment building. She heard Kim drive off as she made her way inside.

She took the elevator up to Jay's floor and as she walked down the hallway Erin heard her phone ringing. She pulled it out of her jacket pocket and saw Jay's name and photo flashing on the screen. She hit ignore and shoved the phone back inside her pocket as she made her way to his door and reached for the handle. Finding it unlocked, she turned it and pushed the door open before walking inside.

"Erin?"

She heard him calling her from the kitchen as she closed the door behind her and flipped the lock.

"Yeah, it's me," she called back. She turned the corner and found him in the kitchen with his phone in his left hand.

"Where were you?"

"What?"

"You heard me," Jay said.

Erin forced a smile as she looked at him. "I was with Kim. I forgot she had asked me to look over some things for the wedding. I ran into her on my way out of the district."

Jay raised an eyebrow. "You were with Kim this whole time?"

Erin nodded and saw the disbelieving look on Jay's face. She rolled her eyes and let out a short laugh. "Call her if you don't believe me."

Jay shook his head. "I don't believe you."

"Call her," Erin said keeping her eyes locked on his.

Jay shook his head. "I don't have to. Voight called me, Erin. He asked me about the case and then asked how you were doing. He was under the impression you were with me tonight, but you told me you were having dinner with him. So, I'll ask again, where were you, Erin?"

Erin swallowed hard knowing she couldn't talk her way out of the lies she told and dropped her eyes to the floor.

"I was with Kim. She drove me somewhere," Erin said, her voice barely audible.

Jay sighed. "Where were you? Where did you go?"

Erin shook her head slowly, her eyes fixated on the floor as she was unable to look at the man in front of her. She didn't want to hurt him anymore than she already had, but knew she was about to do just that.

"Jay," she whispered before raising her eyes to meet his once more.

"Damn it, Erin. Where were you?" He asked. His voice louder now as he stared back at her. He was quickly becoming impatient and annoyed with the lies she had so easily told.

Erin sighed and debated back and forth in her mind for mere seconds before the truth slipped from her lips. "I went to see Bunny."

Jay stepped back, as if he'd just been struck in the face with a closed fist at her spoken truth, and dropped his phone to the counter. He sighed heavily and moved his hands to his waist.

"Why? Why would you go there?" Jay asked, his tone calm, but Erin knew he wasn't in the slightest.

"She came to the district today. I promised her I would go to her. It was the only way to get her to leave. I –"

"That doesn't mean you go! Damn it! Why would you – tell me you didn't, you didn't –"

Erin quickly shook her head and went to him. She brought her hands to either side of Jay's face and held him firmly, forcing him to look her in the eyes.

"I didn't have a drink. I didn't do anything. Her and I just talked. I swear to you all we did was talk. I didn't slip. I promise you I didn't."

The hurt in his eyes made Erin's chest ache and regret quickly filled every part of her while tears filled her own eyes.

"I shouldn't have gone to see her, but she wouldn't leave the district and I didn't want her to cause a scene. I didn't know what else to do. I'm sorry."

Jay shook his head, pulling his face out of her grasp, and stepped away from her. He stood against the counter and crossed his arms in front of his chest. "You should have told me or Hank. Why didn't you say anything?"

"I knew you'd be upset and Hank would have flipped worse than you did just now. I thought I could handle it. I thought I could handle her, but –"

"But what?"

"She wants to see me again and she knows about the baby. She saw my belly. She promised she wouldn't come back to the district, but she wants to see me again."

"No," Jay said, shaking his head as he dropped his arms to his sides.

"Jay –"

"It's not happening, Erin."

"She's not gonna do anything, she just wants to talk. I was only with her for a few minutes. She'll show up if I don't meet her."

"Are you kidding me? Erin, you're seven months pregnant. You shouldn't be dealing with the stress that comes with your mother. She is the last person you should be around right now."

"I know she's done some horrible things, but she's still my mom, Jay. Why can't you understand that?"

"What I understand is that she let you nearly drink yourself to death and got you hooked back on drugs. That's what I understand. What I don't, is that you want to go and hang out with her like nothing happened. For God's sakes Erin, how could you be so selfish?"

"I'm selfish? You're the one that wouldn't let me just do what I wanted. If you had then everything would be fine," Erin yelled back as she ran a hand threw her hair.

"What the hell was I supposed to do? Let you kill yourself with drugs and booze?"

Erin shook her head, the anger boiling and her annoyance on high. "I mean with the baby. If you would have just stayed away like I asked and let me deal with things the way I wanted to, then everything would be fine."

Jay's eyes widened, realizing what in fact she meant. "You wanted to kill our son, Erin."

Erin threw her hands in the air and let out an annoyed sighed before she growled back. "Maybe I should have! Ending this pregnancy would have been the best solution for everyone, but you had to go and guilt trip me into keeping it and telling me you loved me and making me feel horrible and now look at us. We are right back where we started. This is why I didn't wanna tell you about Bunny."

"Don't. Don't even try to spin it like that. You didn't wanna tell me because you know it was stupid. You know it was a mistake. What the hell were you thinking, huh?"

"Of course I know it was a mistake! And the last thing I wanted to do was hurt you, but I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought if she could just see how well I was doing and how happy I was again that maybe she would come around. Maybe she would change."

Jay laughed bitterly and shook his head before he set his eyes back on Erin. "She's never going to change, Erin. People like her don't change."

"People like her? I am her, Jay!" Erin yelled and her welled up tears finally feel from her eyes.

Jay pushed away from the counter and moved towards Erin, but she held her arms out in front of her.

"Don't," she told him.

"Erin, you are not your mother," Jay told her as he tried to reach for her again.

She shook her head and took a step back and before she could think it through, her next words tumbled from her lips. "I need some space right now."

"What do you mean you need space?"

"I need to figure some things out. If this is what I want and –"

"Erin, we're having a baby together. I love you. What do you – I don't understand. What do you mean _if_ this is what you want?"

"I just need some time. Okay? Please, just...just give me some time. Bunny, she – maybe she's right. Maybe this is the wrong time for us to bring a baby into the mix. Maybe we're moving too fast. I think we just need to slow down and decide if this is what is best for us."

"Erin, please don't let your mother inside your head again. She just wants to control you. She does not have your best interests in mind. She only cares about herself."

Erin shook her head. "That's not true. Me having or not having a baby doesn't affect her whatsoever so why would she say that if she didn't care about me?"

"This isn't just about you Erin! This is our son you're talking about. Our son who is growing inside of you right now and you just want to throw him away? Have you lost your mind? Bunny is only trying to control you again. Don't let her do this. Please don't let her do this to you again, Erin. Baby, please?"

"I think, I think I'm gonna go now," Erin told him quietly as she turned around and walked away from Jay.

"Where are you gonna go?" He asked her as he walked after her.

"Anywhere, but here. I just can't do this with you right now, Jay. I can't be around you," Erin said.

"Erin, I –"

Erin turned to face him as she stood by the door. "Look at us, Jay. Whether you wanna admit it or not, you know she's right. You don't want a baby with me. You just wanna do the right thing and I love you for that, but I need some time, okay?"

Jay knew he couldn't say anything that would make her stay, she was just too stubborn, and so he grabbed her before she could push him off and wrapped his arms around her shoulders.

"Please don't go back to Bunny, Erin. Please. I will take you wherever you wanna go, but please don't go to her," he whispered into her hair.

Erin kept her arms at her sides, knowing if she touched him it would all be over and she didn't want that. She needed space. She needed to figure things out. So she pulled away from him and stared up into his blue eyes with more tears prickling the corners of hers.

"I wanna go to Hank's," Erin said quietly.

Jay nodded and rested his arms at his sides once more. Erin didn't say another word to him as she stood by the door and waited. He threw on a pair of boots and grabbed his jacket, and then the pair made their way downstairs.

It was absolute silence in the car as Jay made the short drive to Hank's house. He pulled up alongside the curb and put the car in park before he turned his head and looked at Erin at the same time she turned to look at him.

"I'm sorry, Jay," Erin told him.

"If anyone should be apologizing it should be me. Yeah, you lied, but I shouldn't have yelled at you like that," Jay told her.

"But I ruined your life," she said quietly.

Jay was about to argue her words, but Erin quickly unbuckled herself before he got a word out and leaned over the center console. Her lips brushed against the stubble of his cheek, but all he could feel was the wetness of her tears. As she pulled back and reached for the door handle she didn't tell him she loved him or that she would call him when she was ready. Instead, she got out of the car and closed the door with a soft thud and walked up the walkway of Hank's house. And it was only when Jay watched her disappear behind his sergeant's front door did he bring his right palm to his cheek where Erin's lips had just been. He knew that kiss. It was the kind of kiss that meant goodbye.


	19. Chapter 19

Hi folks! Here's the next chapter for you. I know it's a bit on the short side, but I hope you like it none the less. Leave a review and let me know what you think. My apologies for any mistakes. Enjoy!

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own or have any affiliation to Chicago P.D., its characters, writers, cast or crew.

* * *

Erin closed the front door, turning the lock behind her. She made her way towards the back of the house just as Hank stepped out from the kitchen.

"Erin?"

"Hey," Erin said as she took off her jacket and walked towards him, and the two entered the kitchen.

"Halstead?" Hank questioned, looking at Erin curiously.

Erin shook her head. "He dropped me off."

Hank raised his eyebrows. "What's going on?"

Erin moved towards the table and sat down, dropping her jacket on the seat beside her and resting her arms on the table's surface. "I did something stupid. We fought. He drove me here."

Hank took a seat on the opposite side of her and rested his hands in front of him. Erin kept her head down, eyes glued to the tabletop.

"Erin, what happened?" Hank asked.

Erin shrugged. "You're not gonna like it."

Hank kept his gaze on her, unblinking, silently urging her on. Erin sighed, shaking her head slowly before she took a quick breath and met Hank's eyes with her tearful ones.

"I lied to you today at the district when I said Jay was waiting for me. He wasn't. He left before I went into your office. I told him I was having dinner with you and that I would meet him at his apartment after."

Hank inhaled a breath, nodding slowly, and trying to keep his cool. "Where did you go?"

"I went to see Bunny. When you guys were out for the case she came to see me at the district. I asked her not to cause a scene, that she had to go, but she wouldn't so I promised her I would meet her after shift. It was the only way to get her to leave."

"You went to the bar?" Hank asked.

Erin nodded. "But I didn't drink. Her and I just talked for a few minutes. She knows I'm pregnant and she said some things. I said them to Jay. He's upset with me now. I hurt him pretty bad."

"What kinda things?" Hank asked.

Erin spent the next several minutes relaying to Hank all that Bunny had said and everything that was later said between her and Jay that night.

"You can't blame the guy for being upset, Erin. You two talked things out, you let him inside your head, and then you pull a fast one on him."

"But what if Bunny's right? The things she said. I mean, she made sense. This is all happening so fast and –"

"Don't you for one damn minute believe a word she fed you. She's in no position to be offering parenting advice. You know that. I know you do. Don't let her back inside your head. Do you still want this baby?"

Erin shrugged. "I thought I did."

Hank shook his head and reached a hand out towards Erin, placing it on top of her arm. "Forget anything your mother said to you. Erase it from your head right now. It doesn't exist. Do you want this baby?"

Erin blinked several times, tears beginning to form. She nodded her head slowly. "Jay and I, we were talking and planning. We felt the baby kick, and...and I don't know how to explain what I felt, but it felt normal. It felt right. It was one of those moments that made me happy again. Happy like I was before Nadia was killed, ya know? Like everything was going the way it's supposed to."

"Then you do you and you forget about Bunny. You let me deal with her," Hank told her.

"You're not mad at me?" Erin asked, wondering how he could be as calm as he was right now.

"I wish you hadn't lied. God forbid something had happened to you. What matters is you and the baby are okay," Hank said.

Erin nodded, looking down and picking at the end of her sleeve. She looked up at Hank a moment later as her tears fell from her eyes.

"I'm scared, Hank. Of having this baby," Erin admitted.

Hank squeezed Erin's arm and let out a soft chuckle. "You think Camille and me weren't scared with Justin? We were a mess. It's normal to be scared, kid. I'd be more concerned if you weren't."

Erin nodded and sniffed back her tears. "I'm not ready to face Jay yet though. Can I –"

"Of course you can stay here," Hank told her.

"Thank you. For everything. You've just, you –"

Hank squeezed her arm again. "You don't gotta thank me. Just never forget I love you, alright?"

Erin nodded once more, offering a small smile. "I love you, too."

Hank smiled back at her. "You hungry?"

"Yeah, starving."

"I'll order us some pizza," Hank said. He patted her arm before standing from the table and walking towards the island where the phone sat.

A half hour later they were sharing a pie. Mid-bite between the two of them the doorbell rang. The pair shared a look before Hank dropped his slice and wiped his hands on a napkin before he stood from his chair.

Hank walked to the door and peaked through the curtain hanging over the glass. Once he saw who it was, he pulled the door open.

"Halstead."

"I need to see her. I need to talk to her. I – I can't just leave her like this after what happened," Jay said as he stood with his hands in his jacket pockets and a nervous look in his eyes.

"Jay, I get that, but she doesn't wanna see you. Not right now."

"Hank, I –"

Hank stepped forward, clapping a hand on Jay's shoulder. "I know, kid. Just give her tonight, alright?"

Jay sighed, running his tongue over his bottom lip, and nodded his head in a defeated manner. "Okay. Just, just tell her I, that I –"

Hank squeezed his shoulder, feeling for the guy in front of him, but also knowing that Erin needed the time and space to get her head straight. "I know. I'll tell her."

Jay nodded once more before he stepped back and walked away. Hank closed the door as Jay left and he flipped the lock with a heavy sigh before he made his way back to the kitchen.

"Who was it?" Erin asked, a part of her already knowing.

"It was Jay," Hank told her as he walked back to the table and sat down in his chair.

Erin swallowed hard, nodding her head, and picked at her pizza. "What'd he want?"

"What else? He wanted to see you. He's sorry you know. I could tell," Hank told her as he reached for the pizza on the plate in front of him.

"Yeah," Erin said.

"Erin, what's going through your head?" Hank asked her.

Erin shrugged, forgetting about her food, and leaned back into her chair. "I don't know what I'm gonna say to him."

"Well, what are you feeling?" Hank asked her.

"Confused mostly. I'm trying not to let what Bunny said get to me, but Jay and I were moving really fast and having a baby is gonna complicate things. Things are already complicated. I just don't want him to wake up one day and realize he could have done better than me. I don't want him to resent me or the baby, or –"

"You don't want him to leave," Hank finished for her.

Erin nodded.

"Erin, I don't think you gotta worry about that. That guy is sorta crazy about you. Even me threatening him couldn't keep him away. I think it's time you realize that. If he didn't wanna be around, he wouldn't be throwing rocks at your window – or ringing my doorbell. Ya hear me?"

Erin nodded her head once more, tears in her eyes again. "Yeah, I hear you."

"Alright then. You should finish that pizza and maybe another slice or that kid will wake you up in the middle of the night and you'll be ransacking my fridge," Hank told her, a smirk playing on his lips.

Erin smiled and reached for the plate of pizza in front of her, Hank's words playing over in her mind as she thought about her son and Jay and all of their futures.


	20. Chapter 20

Hey y'all. Here's the next chapter. It didn't go exactly as I planned, but when do things ever? I'm thinking there's only going to be a few chapters left of this fic so I wanted to let you know now. My apologies for any mistakes. Hope you like this one. Enjoy!

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own or have any affiliation to Chicago P.D., its characters, writers, cast or crew.

* * *

Erin woke the next morning grateful it was Saturday and she wouldn't have to face Jay at the district. She kicked the covers off and got out of bed to head downstairs.

When she reached the kitchen she saw her phone on the counter with a slip of paper weighed down beneath it. She grabbed the paper and saw a note scribbled in Hank's handwriting.

 _Figured you'd sleep in. Pancake batter in the fridge. I'll be back later this afternoon. Left the door unlocked for Halstead. He will be over around noon. Talk to him._

 _\- Hank_

Erin let out a heavy sigh as she balled up the paper in her hands and dropped it on the counter. She looked at the clock on the stove and let out annoyed growl as the neon lights glared back at her reading 11:47am.

"Damn it," Erin muttered. She felt a hard kick in her side and she rolled her eyes as she rubbed her belly. "Don't you start."

Her hand was met with another kick as if her unborn son had understood her tone and all Erin could do was let out a short laugh. She rubbed her belly once more as she made her way to the fridge and pulled out the butter and the covered Tupperware container of pancake batter. She started a pot of decaffeinated coffee and then got to work making herself some breakfast. Only a few minutes passed before she heard the sound of the doorbell as she was mid-flip on her pancakes.

"It's open," Erin yelled from the kitchen.

She took a quick breath, trying to prepare herself for the conversation that was about to take place as she heard the door open. Heavy steps sounded from the hallway and a moment later she looked over her shoulder just as Jay entered the kitchen. He took off his jacket and slung it over his left arm as he stood with his right hand in the pocket of his jeans. Erin turned back to the pan on the stove in front of her and flipped the second pancake.

"Hi," Jay said with an unusual croak to his voice as if he hadn't gotten a lot of sleep the night before.

"Hi," Erin said back, moving her pancakes to a plate on the counter and keeping her back to Jay. "You hungry?"

"You're cooking?" Jay asked, an edge of tease to his voice now.

Erin turned and glared with the spatula in her hand. "I can manage pancakes, thank you very much."

Jay gave a half smile, raising his right eyebrow.

"You eating or not?" Erin asked turning back to face the stove.

"Sure," Jay said as he walked to the table and set his jacket down over the back of a chair. He walked to the island and leaned back against the counter with his arms crossed over his chest. He set his eyes on Erin, who grabbed another plate from a cabinet before she continued with her actions over the stove in silence.

As the minutes ticked by neither said a word. The silence became unbearable and Jay dropped his arms before he walked towards the woman in front of him. She flipped another couple of pancakes for Jay and he stood beside her, his body facing hers and his eyes on the side of her face, but Erin said nothing.

"Erin," Jay said in a low voice, trying to get her to look at him.

"Hmmm?" She hummed, her unblinking eyes staying on the task in front of her.

"Are we gonna talk?" Jay asked.

"About what?" Erin countered as she plated his pancakes. She seemed unfazed by anything, but Jay could tell otherwise. He sighed and reached over Erin for the knobs on the stove and turned the burners off.

"You know what," Jay said.

Erin turned her head and looked at him, really taking in his disheveled appearance for the first time since he arrived. He hadn't slept, she could see more clearly now, and he looked on the outside as she felt on the inside; confused, scared, sorry.

"Not even gonna let me feed your kid first?" Erin asked, trying to play it off, but his sad blue eyes stayed on her and she swallowed a lump that formed in her throat. She felt another kick from inside of her and her hand immediately went to her belly.

"Are you okay?" He asked her, his eyes darting between Erin's and her hand she'd just placed over her stomach.

Erin nodded. "He's kicking."

Jay swallowed then, a look of relief flashing over his face. "I, I just-"

"Jay, don't," she told him, turning back to the pan. She picked it up by its handle and turned around, waking to the other end of the counter to set the dish in the sink.

When she turned around Jay was right there behind her and she gasped at the closeness. She swallowed another lump of nerves, feeling her heart hammer against the inside of her chest and she held her breath as Jay reached his arms out towards her. His left hand dropped to her stomach, thumb moving over the fabric of her sweater covering her stretched skin. His right went to her face, holding it in his palm, and Erin nearly quivered underneath his fingers. Her heart rate quickened, but Erin stood in place, unmoving and her arms at her sides. Jay kept a gentle hold on her face as his thumb moved across her cheek.

"I'm sorry," he said to her, the croak in his voice returning and his eyes on hers once again.

Erin swallowed again and shook her head. She pulled away from him, out of his grasp and stepped around him.

"There's coffee if you want some. It's decaf though," Erin said as she grabbed her plate and some silverware and made her way to the table.

She set down her food and utensils, and turned back around. She stepped around Jay and got a cup of decaf for herself, her back to him again. She almost dropped the coffee pot when she felt Jay standing behind her. His hands came up and rested at her sides and he leaned in, kissing the side of her head.

"I was out of line last night. I was an ass and I was angry, and I need you to know that I'm sorry," Jay told her, his voice low and sincere and full of regret.

Erin shuddered at the feel of his breath against her ear and let out a heavy sigh, closing her eyes for a moment as she relished in the feel of him. She pushed away from the counter and turned to face him, her eyes becoming tearful as she stared up at him and his hands stayed at her sides.

Erin shrugged. "It's okay."

Jay shook his head. "It's not okay. Don't tell me it's okay. I should have said things differently. I should have - I'm sorry, Erin."

Erin nodded at his words, her heart still hammering and her nerves on fire. She wanted things to be normal again. Two days ago things were fine between them and she wanted that back, but she didn't know how that could happen.

"You scare me, Jay," Erin admitted with her eyes still locked on his.

"I scare you?" Jay questioned.

Erin saw the look of hurt flash over his eyes so she reached for his right hand with her left. She brought it to her chest and laid his palm flat above her breasts with her hand over his.

"Do you feel that?" Erin asked him.

Her heartbeat was erratic and Jay nodded as he felt the beat of it beneath his hand.

"This is how you scare me. This is what you do to me. I've never felt that before, Jay. With anyone. Not even when I thought what I felt for anyone else before you was something real."

Jay nodded, understanding now. "You do that to me, too. You have since the moment I met you. You remember that day?"

Erin gave a small smile. "Yeah, I remember."

 **XXX**

 _Antonio had told him to be at the district by eight in the morning and to not be late, that one of the things Hank Voight didn't tolerate was tardiness, among other things. So at 7:50am Jay Halstead entered the 21st District with a straight face and a solid stance as he walked with a confident step. He approached the front desk, greeting the woman behind it with a usual charming smile. The woman had graying blonde hair that was tied back into a pony tail and he could tell she was a sergeant by the three tiered chevron patches on either side of her white uniform sleeves._

 _"Good morning. I'm Jay Halstead. I'm here for Intelligence. Can you please tell me where I need to go?" Jay asked as he looked up at the older woman. He read the name tag on her uniform, a sergeant with 'T. Platt' engraved into it._

 _The woman looked up from the paperwork in front of her, and then down at Jay. "Yeah, you can go and park it right over there."_

 _The woman raised her hand and Jay followed with his eyes as she pointed to a wooden bench across the room, all without even looking up from the desk. Jay raised his eyebrows and his mouth fell open, unsure of what to say or if he'd heard correctly._

 _"I- I'm sorry. M'am, I –"_

 _"It's Sergeant Platt, and you can sit. Someone will come and get you," she said without looking at him._

 _Jay sighed. "Thank you, Sergeant."_

 _Jay turned around and walked to the bench, taking a seat. He sat there a good ten minutes when a brunette woman entered through the doors, instantly drawing Jay's attention. He could tell she was much shorter than he was and her hair fell down over her shoulders in waves. A dark grey trench coat fell to her knees and she wore jeans and black laced combat boots. She walked with an air of confidence about her, piquing Jay's interest. She must have felt someone watching her because she turned around in an instant and caught Jay's stare. His eyes went wide as he took in her face and the dimple in her cheek and the hazel eyes staring back at him. She was beautiful. Jay felt his chest pounding and his eyes grew wider if possible when he saw the badge clipped to the woman's jeans and the pistol in a holster at her side. She was a cop?_

 _"Is there a problem?" She asked with a voice of sultry rasp and a perfectly raised eyebrow._

 _Jay swallowed hard at the sound of her voice and shook his head. "No, m'am."_

 _The mystery woman nodded once before she turned back around._

 _"Platt," she greeted with a nonchalant tone that caused Jay to raise his own eyebrows in awe._

 _"Lindsay," Sergeant Platt said in return. The older woman looked up, offering an actual smile to the mystery woman who made her way across the room towards the staircase._

 _Jay followed her with his eyes once more until she disappeared through a gated entryway, and then he spotted Antonio coming down the same staircase._

 _"Tony," Jay called standing from the bench._

 _"What's up, man?" Antonio greeted with a smile._

 _The two shook hands and Antonio nodded to the stairs. "Let's go."_

 _Jay followed behind him up the stairs and Jay watched as the Latino scanned his hand through some device and entered a pass code. The metal door buzzed open and the two passed through the same in which mystery woman had done just moments before. They walked up a short flight of stairs, Jay following behind as they came to a landing and stood at the front of a large open room. A handful of desks were scattered about and there was a smaller office at the opposite end with its door currently closed._

 _"This is the bullpen," Antonio announced and Jay listened as he gave out quick direction of where things were located; interrogation, file room, break room, locker room._

 _"My desk is there," Antonio said, pointing out a middle desk on the left against the wall of windows. Then he pointed to an open one across the aisle and to the left, diagonally across from his. "That's yours. Make yourself at home. Waiting on the rest of the team."_

 _Jay nodded and made his way to his new desk, slipping off his jacket and dropping it over the back of the chair. He sat down and looked around the bullpen, his eyes setting on the desk directly across from his and a familiar trench coat catching his eye. Jay scrunched his eyebrows just as the office door to his right opened and mystery woman stepped out. Her eyes landed on him for a second before she rolled them and walked up to his desk._

 _"You Halstead?" She asked with her hands on her hips._

 _Jay nodded his head as he stood and reached a hand out towards the woman with a smile. "Jay Halstead. Nice to meet you."_

 _She met his extended right hand with hers and the two shook hands quickly. "Erin Lindsay. Your new partner apparently. Case load isn't too today so I've gotten strapped with the task of showing you the ropes around here. Let's go."_

 _"Be nice," Antonio called after them as the pair made their way to the front of the pen._

 _Jay turned his head to his friend and colleague. "I'm always nice."_

 _Antonio just shook his head and chuckled. "I wasn't talking to you, man."_

 _Jay stopped mid-step and looked back at Antonio. "What?"_

 _"Halstead, let's go!" Erin yelled from the stairwell and Jay quickly followed after her._

 _They made their way to the garage where the units' equipment was stored, and Erin directed him to the firearms hold._

 _"Grab a pistol, holster, and an extra clip. Voight has your badge up in his office and some forms for you to fill out for HR. Did you bring your certification papers and the psych eval sign-off?"_

 _Jay did as he was told and grabbed what he needed, clipping them accordingly to his side. He looked at the woman standing a few feet away and nodded his head. "It's all in my transfer file your oh-so-friendly sergeant should have at the front desk."_

 _Erin snorted. "So you met Platt, huh? She's harmless. Usually. Just don't piss her off."_

 _"She seems awfully chummy with you. What's your secret?"_

 _Erin shrugged. "I've known her for a while."_

" _Oh yeah? How long is a while?" Jay asked._

" _Since I was fifteen," Erin told him._

 _"Ah, got it. So, who's a cop in your family then? Mom? Dad? Siblings?"_

 _Erin shook her head. "Just me."_

 _"So you always wanted to be a cop then?" Jay asked, more intrigued._

 _Erin snorted again and shook her head. "Not exactly. You all set?"_

" _You gonna answer my question?" He asked._

 _Erin raised an eyebrow. "Excuse me?"_

" _You heard me," Jay said with bright blue eyes and his charming smile on full display._

 _Erin chuckled. "Look, you're new around here, a rookie basically, and I've known you all of five minutes, so forgive me if I'm not at liberty to disclose my life story to you."_

" _I'm no rookie. I've been around the block a few times, trust me."_

 _Erin scoffed. "Oh, I bet you have. I know you were checking me out when I walked in this morning and I'm sure that smile has gotten a lot of women to drop their panties for you, but I'm not going to be one of them. Now, let's go. Debriefing starts at 8:30 and if there's anything Voight hates more than arrogant rookies who think they know everything, it's being late."_

 _Jay shook his head, smiling widely, but following after Erin as the two made their way back upstairs. This woman would be the end of him, he was sure._

 **XXX**

"I knew I was in trouble," Jay said, his voice quiet, bringing Erin back from her memory of their first day together.

"You know, you – you have this ridiculous ability to make me feel like I'm the most special person in the world, but I'm not perfect, Jay. And I don't pretend to be. I just, I need you to understand that. I know that I shouldn't have gone to see Bunny and I'm sorry I that did and I'm sorry that I lied. This situation that we're in isn't easy for me. I am terrified of what's happening, of having this baby, and you just weren't making it any easier last night."

"What do you want me to do?" Jay asked.

"I want you to trust me. Completely. Like before. I want my partner back," Erin said.

"I do trust you. I just don't trust your mother," Jay told her.

"If you really trusted me then last night wouldn't have happened. You don't have to worry about her. Hank said he's taking care of it. I'm not gonna see her again. At least not on my own," Erin assured him.

"Why don't you let me take care of it? I'll talk to her, I'll –"

"No, Jay. Bunny's bad news and Hank knows how to deal with her. I don't want you going down there," Erin told him.

"Maybe you're the one that doesn't trust me then," Jay said, with a slightly raised eyebrow.

Erin shook her head. "You know that's not true. If I didn't trust you then I'd still be sitting in that bar and our baby would be dead, Jay. You're one of the few people I know without a doubt I can trust with my life."

Jay sighed. "I'm sorry for making you feel like I don't trust you, and I'm sorry for being cruel, but out of all the people for you to go to – Bunny? I just, I was hurt. But that doesn't give me the right to treat you the way I did."

"I know you didn't mean to hurt me and I know you're sorry and I know you love me, but maybe right now we need to hit the brakes a little ya know? We need to be focusing on the baby. He should be our only priority."

"You still wanna keep him?" Jay asked, his eyes glazed over and hopeful he wasn't hearing her wrong.

"Of course I still wanna keep him. He's our baby and I was upset last night. I was throwing shade and playing the blame game when I knew I was wrong and I should have just talked to you."

Jay nodded. "We both said things we didn't mean. We both messed up. But I still love you, you know."

Erin smiled sadly, nodding her head slowly. "I still love you, too."

"Come here," Jay said taking a step towards her.

Jay wrapped his arms around her, holding her as close to him as he could with her belly wedged between them. He kept one hand on Erin's lower back and one at the back of her head. He closed his eyes as he breathed her in, not wanting to let go, but he did a few moments later after pressing his lips to the side of her head.

"Do you want me to take you to your session on Monday?" Jay asked her as he set his eyes back on hers.

"If you don't mind," Erin said.

"Of course not," Jay said shaking his head. He took a step back and ran his hand over the back of his neck before he walked back to the table and grabbed his jacket.

"Are you leaving already then?" Erin asked.

Jay nodded. "I should get out of your way. Give you your space."

"I guess I'll see you Monday then," Erin said quietly.

"I'll see you Monday," Jay told her. He slipped his jacket on and turned, making his way out of the kitchen and to the front door.

"What about your pancakes?"

Jay turned around at the sound of Erin's voice and saw her standing in the entryway of the kitchen at the end of the hall.

"What?"

Erin shrugged her shoulders again. "I'm not hungry enough to eat all of that food by myself. And I don't want it to go to waste so you've gotta stay and eat your pancakes."

Jay smiled as he saw Erin's lips twitch into a small smile of her own. He took his jacket off again and walked towards her, and then the pair made their way back to the table. They sat down across from each other and ate in a somehow comfortable silence that was far more appreciated than either let on. Fifteen minutes later they were cleaning up, side by side, in front of the sink.

"So, you _can_ make pancakes. At least it's something," Jay teased as he dropped the dish towel on the counter.

Erin rolled her eyes. "It's pancakes. Simple enough."

"Says the woman who burned Mac and cheese. _In the microwave_."

Erin scoffed as she turned to face him. "That was one time and only because I was sleep deprived from working that drug smuggling case that I forgot to put water in the stupid plastic cup."

Jay chuckled and shook his head. "Yep. Sure."

"Mean," Erin muttered as she leaned against the counter facing Jay.

"I just like to tease you," Jay smiled.

"Really? I didn't notice," Erin quipped back as she crossed her arms over her chest.

"Luckily you have people who can cook for you. And clean up after your bathroom chaos."

"I am not that messy," Erin said.

Jay raised his eyebrows at her and Erin rolled her eyes again in return.

"At least I can wash dishes and do my laundry," Erin defended herself.

Jay nodded with a smirk on his face. "That's something, yes."

Erin smiled back at him and before she realized what she was doing she stepped forward and kissed him, taking him by surprise. Jay brought a hand to the side of her face and kissed her back for a moment before he pulled away to look her in the eyes.

"I thought we were hitting the brakes?" He asked her.

Erin shrugged. "Maybe cruise control would be better, or maybe I'm just stupid."

Jay shook his head, rubbing his thumb over her cheek. "You're not stupid."

"Then why do I do stupid things? Why did I let my mom in again?" Erin asked.

"Because you've got a good heart. One of the best," Jay told her.

Erin gave him a small smile. "I know I've said it before, but I'm sorry I'm crazy. And hormonal and stupid and I just, I, I thought I was doing the right thing, and –"

"I know why you did it, Erin. You don't have to keep apologizing or explaining. I already forgave you. Let's just forget about it and move forward, okay?"

"Just like that?" Erin asked.

Jay nodded and leaned in, pressing his lips against hers in a sweet, simple kiss.

"Just like that," he whispered.

Erin's lips turned upward into a small grin and she nodded her head slowly. "Okay."


	21. Chapter 21

Hey y'all. It's been a while, I know. Enjoy the new chapter and let me know what you think. It's quite fluffy and I don't know. I hope you like it. My apologies for the delay in finishing this and for any mistakes. Enjoy!

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own or have any affiliation to Chicago P.D., its characters, writers, cast or crew.

* * *

They ended up moving from the kitchen to the living room in Voight's to watch a football game. Jay sat at one end of the small sofa, and Erin at the other with only bit of space between them. The game played on, the Chicago Bears playing some other team the two could care less about. Jay turned to his left to glance at Erin; she sat with her legs crossed like a pretzel and her hands resting on her large belly with her eyes focused on the television.

He watched her with a small smile on his face and his eyes bright with love for the woman sat beside him. She was having his baby and she still wanted to be with him and have a future with him, and he was more grateful for her than he had ever felt before.

Erin looked to her right, catching his stare and she smiled a coy grin at him. "What?"

Jay shook his head. "Nothing."

"You were staring," Erin said.

"I was admiring," Jay said in return smiling wider at her.

"Creepy," Erin teased.

Jay rolled his eyes and reached his left arm out towards her. He grabbed her right hand and gave a gentle tug. "Come here."

Erin smiled and moved closer to him, stretching her legs out toward the other end where she'd been sitting previously. Jay pulled the sofa pillow out from behind his back and dropped it in his lap before Erin settled her head down on it. His left arm stayed stretched out, his hand setting over her belly, while his other hand settled over Erin's head. His fingers raked through her dirty blonde hair and his grin grew larger as Erin rested one of her hands over his on her stomach.

They stayed like that for a while, watching the game, and appreciating the comfortable silence that enveloped them. There was a rustling at the front door, a couple stomps of boots on the porch, and then the door opened and Hank walked in. A light layer of white covering his head and dusting his jacket.

"Hey kids," he greeted, taking off his coat and setting it on a hook on the wall. He walked into the living room and took a seat in his recliner, glancing between the couple on his couch and the television as the game went to commercial.

"Who's winning?" Hank asked the pair looking between them now.

Jay sighed. "Not the Bears. Snowing out I see. How are the roads?"

Hank shrugged. "Not too bad right now. I see my house is still in one piece, so thanks for that. Everything's okay then I take it?

Erin rolled her eyes. "Everything is just fine."

"If you say so. You sticking around for a while Halstead?" Hank asked looking at the man in front of him.

Jay felt his stomach flip in a horrible way at the idea of leaving Erin, but he shook his head. "If it started snowing then I should probably head out. I don't wanna get caught in a storm later."

Erin shook her head, looking up at him, and squeezed Jay's hand over her stomach. "Stay."

Jay looked down and raised an eyebrow at her. "You sure?"

He watched Erin roll her eyes before she turned her head back to the television. He felt her squeeze his hand again.

"You're staying," Erin said.

Jay shook his head with a smile on his face as he looked over at Hank. "I guess I'm staying."

"Thought so," Hank muttered as he reclined his chair all the way back and got comfy; he was out in less than fifteen minutes.

Jay held back a laugh at the sound of his sergeant snoring and looked down at Erin. She was still awake, but barely. She pulled herself up into a sitting position and moved to stand on her feet.

"You okay?" Jay asked.

She turned to face him and nodded, tipping her head to the stairs. "Gotta pee. Why don't you turn the T.V. off and meet me in my old room?"

Jay nodded and stood from the couch while Erin made her way upstairs. He turned the television off and covered Hank with the blanket over the back of the couch before following after Erin upstairs. He walked into her old bedroom and kicked his boots off by the door before he pulled back the blankets and lay down on the bed. He heard the sound of a flushing toilet, and then the faucet running before the door to the attached bathroom swung open. Erin walked out and over to her bedroom door, closing it quietly, before she went around to the other side of her bed and climbed in beside Jay.

Erin turned her head and smiled at the man beside her. "Hi."

"Hey," Jay said, smiling back at her with bright eyes and turning on his side to face her.

"Thank you for staying," Erin told him as she moved closer to him.

Jay lifted his arm, a silent invitation, and Erin took it. She turned on her right side, the edge of her large belly pressed against Jay's stomach, but he didn't mind. He pulled his left arm out from between them and moved it overtop Erin's head, his hand holding the back of it. His right arm wrapped around her body, hand at her back and keeping her close. Erin's left hand moved to the front of Jay's shirt, gripping it tight in a closed fist while her other stayed wedged between their close bodies.

Erin set her eyes on his and after a few moments her hand moved from his shirt and up to his face. She trailed her pointer finger down his cheek, over the bridge of his nose, then over his lips and he pecked her finger as she did so.

"I hope he looks like you," she whispered.

"I hope he has your dimples in his cheeks," Jay told her as he stared back at her.

Erin's smile widened, her cheeks giving way and showing the perfect deformation he'd mentioned.

"Your eyes and those freckles," Erin said.

"You like them now, but you haven't seen many photos of me as a kid. It was awful."

"I bet you were adorable," Erin said.

"I'll have to dig out some old photo albums for you. I'm sure you won't say it then," Jay chuckled.

He noticed her smile falter in the slightest and he gave a soft squeeze to her back. "What's wrong?"

"Promise me we'll take lots of pictures of him and fill albums up for him and make a baby book, and we'll remember everything. That we won't be like my mom or your dad. I want him to know how loved he is," Erin said quietly.

Jay nodded and pressed his lips against her forehead before whispering, "I promise."

"It still seems crazy to me that we're having a baby," Erin said a few moments later.

"Crazy good or crazy bad?" Jay asked with a raised eyebrow.

Erin shrugged against him. "Both. You know how scared I am, but I'm excited too. I just don't wanna mess this up. I don't want you to wake up one day, feeling disappointed with your life. With me. Thinking that you could have done better."

Jay gave a gentle squeeze to her lower back. "I'm never gonna think that, Erin."

Erin shook her head. "You say that now, but who knows what could happen. I hate feeling so dependent on someone, but the thought of losing you puts an ache in my chest that I know would rip me apart if ever happened."

"It's not gonna happen. I'm never gonna stop loving you. Or being there for you. I'll never abandon you or get sick of you. If anything you'll get sick of me."

Erin shook her head again. "No, I won't."

Jay chuckled. "Let's just both agree to disagree then, alright?"

Erin smiled at him and nodded. "I can try to do that."

"Good," Jay said before he kissed her forehead once more.

They stayed silent for another moment, Erin closing her eyes, and then she felt Jay squeeze her against him. She opened her eyes, saw him smiling at her and raised an eyebrow.

"So..." he drew out.

"So?" Erin asked.

"How many kids do you see us having?"

Erin eyes went wide at his question. "Kids? As in plural?"

Jay laughed and nodded his head. "Yes. Do you see us having more than one?"

He watched her take a deep breath before she pulled away from him and sat up in the bed. She crossed her legs like a pretzel and looked back at Jay. She gave him a one shoulder shrug and a teasing smirk. "I've honestly never thought about it. I never even considered having kids until you knocked me up."

Jay rolled his eyes, but smiled as he followed her lead and sat up beside her. "Fair enough."

"How many do you want?" Erin wondered.

"As many as you'll give us," Jay shot back.

"And what if one is enough for me?" Erin questioned.

"Then we'll have one amazing son," Jay told her.

Erin nodded slowly. "Even though I can tell by the look in your eyes that you want more than one?"

Jay sighed then and reached for one of Erin's hands that rested in her lap. "I want you to want to have more kids with me because _you_ want to. Not because you think it'll make me happy or wanna stick around."

Erin shook her head and offered a small smile. "Ya know, most guys don't want to stick around with one baby that was unplanned, and here you are talking about having more down the road."

"You should know by now that I'm not most guys. And I've always wanted at least two kids," Jay said.

"Two kids, a dog and a house in the 'burbs kinda guy huh?" Erin teased.

Jay laughed, but turned a serious gaze on Erin as he looked at her square in the eyes. "Something like that, yeah. Toys all over the place, schedules on the fridge, and a beautiful wife with my last name."

Erin's smile faded and she swallowed a large lump that had formed at the back of her throat. "Marriage?"

Jay nodded, seeing the scared look that came over her face and squeezed her hand in his. "Eventually."

"Another thing I never considered," Erin said quietly.

"Why is that?" Jay asked her.

"I never really thought of myself as mom or wife material."

"Because of your childhood?" Jay pushed.

Erin nodded. "That and, well, you know my track record isn't so great with guys. I just never thought that, that life was the kind of life for me. It seems unfeasible."

"Maybe, but you didn't think the cop life was a life for you either. Yet here we are."

Erin nodded again slowly. "Here we are."

Jay squeezed her hand once again before he brought it to his lips and kissed her knuckles. "I'm not proposing you know? I know this conversation took a few unforeseen turns, but it's not something you have to decide on wanting today."

Erin only nodded yet again before she lay back down, bringing Jay with her. She cuddled up against him once more and buried her face in his chest. His arms went around her and her hands held onto him tightly.

"For now, let's just worry about this little guy and maybe one day we'll have this conversation again," Erin mumbled against Jay's neck.

He tightened his hold on her slightly and kissed the top of her head. "One day."


	22. Chapter 22

Did you miss me? I'm sorry it's been basically a year. I lost my inspiration for this fic and kinda gave up on it. I'm back with a sort of long chapter to attempt to make up for it. Thank you everyone who checked in on me and still has some interest in this. I hope you enjoy it.

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own or have any affiliation to Chicago P.D., its writers, characters, cast or crew.

 **XXX**

"How are you feeling today Erin? You seem a little distracted."

Erin shrugged while pulling at a thread of fabric on her sleeve. "I just haven't been sleeping well the last few days."

"Tell me what's on your mind."

Erin looked up at him and sighed. "The closer it gets to my due date the more scared I am. I feel like nothing is done and I'm not ready and it's finally sinking in that I'm going to be a mom. I just, I need to get out of my own head about it."

"Have you spoken about this to Jay?"

Erin shook her head. "I don't wanna freak him out. I don't want him to think that I don't want this anymore because I do. It's just scary, you know? And he's as calm as I've ever seen him. I haven't seen him freak out once and I don't know how he hasn't because we're gonna be parents, like really soon. Like a month soon and I'm just so tired and stressed out, and I don't know."

Dr. Aldman snickered before dropping his pen on top of his notepad. "Erin, trust me. That man is not as cool and collected as you think he is. My wife and I had three kids of our own. Believe me, he is feeling the same things you are."

"It doesn't seem like it," she muttered, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Trust me, Erin. Just talk to Jay. You'll see."

 **XXX  
**

After leaving Dr. Aldman's office, Erin headed home. Voight had cut her time at the district to part time hours and only if necessary. Otherwise, she was to be at home. She was due in a month and per her doctor's recommendation, the less she was on her feet, the better. She pulled up to her apartment building and got out of the car – just doing that was a struggle with her large belly. She headed for the door and stopped at the sound of her name being called. When she turned, she went rigid at the sight of her mother approaching her.

"What do you want?" Erin asked.

Bunny raised her hands in mock surrender and took the last few steps so that she was standing in front of Erin. "How are you?"

"What do you want?" Erin asked again, crossing her arms in front of her the best she could.

"It's been a little while and you never called me. Instead, I got a visit from Hank telling me to leave you alone and when I went back to the district to try and talk some sense into you I was escorted off the premises."

"Yeah, and for good reason. I don't know how many times I have to tell you or how else I can make it clear for you that I don't want anything to do with you," Erin told her.

"Now Erin, I-"

"No. You don't get to care, not now. I gave you so many chances. And after Nadia was killed I turned to you when I should have run from you and I nearly lost my life again because of you."

"What you did was your choice Erin. I didn't force you to do anything."

"No, you're right about that. I made the choice to drink and do things I shouldn't have, but as my mother you should have pulled me from it rather than pushing me towards it."

"You were grieving!" Bunny said as she threw her hands in the air. "You needed to loosen up and have some damn fun for a change!"

"What I needed was a mother who really cared. Not a floozy drunk who can't keep her own life together let alone give advice to someone else on how to live theirs. Just further proof that you will never change. And for the last time I am telling you to stay away from me."

Erin turned for the building entrance, but Bunny's hand on her arm forced her for back.

"You can't just act like I don't exist. I am your mother and whether you like it or not, that fact will never change Erin."

Erin shrugged away and shook her head. "You were never my mother. You know who was there when I needed a mother? Camille Voight. That woman did more for me and loved me more in two years until the day she died than you have my entire life."

"It's always going to come back to her and the oh-so-wonderful Hank Voight, isn't it? They are not your parents, Erin. They are not your blood, and when everything falls apart again like it always does for you, who are you gonna have then?"

Erin just smiled and shook her head again in disbelief. "It certainly won't be you. Goodbye Bunny. Don't come here again. Don't come near me or contact me again. Just leave me alone once and for all."

Erin turned again and quickly walked inside, leaving her mother behind – she only hoped it would be for good this time.

When she got upstairs to the apartment and locked the door behind her, Erin blew out a deep sigh of relief. She stood for a moment with her hands over her belly before taking off her jacket and making her way to the living room. She sat down on the couch and propped her feet up onto the coffee table.

"Hey you."

Erin turned her head at the sound of Jay's voice and saw him walking down the hallway towards her.

"Hi. What are you doing home?" Erin asked him, patting the space beside her on the couch.

Jay shook his head and grabbed one of her hands, pulling her to her feet despite her groaning. "I decided to take the day and ran some errands while you were at your session. I have a surprise for you."

Erin raised an eyebrow. "You know I don't like surprises."

"I think you'll like this one. Trust me," Jay coaxed as he took both her hands in his and walked backwards, leading Erin down the hallway.

Erin sighed, but let him lead her and have his fun. "This surprise better include food and a massage."

Jay laughed and squeezed her hands. "Just come on."

The pair took a few more steps down the hallway until they stood outside of the closed door of the spare bedroom – the one that used to be Nadia's bedroom.

"My surprise is a tour of my own apartment?" Erin teased.

Jay smiled and shook his head, pointing to the closed door. "It's in there."

Erin sighed once more as Jay let go of her hands and reached for the door handle. He smiled at her one more time and then turned the handle before pushing the door open.

Erin gasped, her mouth dropping, and her eyes quickly found Jay's. He smiled again and she looked back out in front of her, taking a few steps forward and taking in the view of what was clearly now a nursery. Cool grey walls, a white sleigh crib against one of them, and a stocked and matching white changing table nearby. Several white bookcases against another wall – some shelves empty, others lined with about a dozen children's books and toys, and in one corner was a comfortable sized sky blue glider with a matching ottoman. The closet doors were opened to show hanging baby clothes and a tall dresser. Erin spun around looking at everything again before she turned back to face Jay.

"When did you do this?" She whispered out, almost unable to speak at all.

"Here and there when you were sleeping or at sessions the last few weeks. I know you and I know how scared you probably are as we get closer and closer to the baby being here. I took the day off and didn't tell you so I could finish it this morning. Do you like it? Is it too much? I wasn't sure about the colors, I - "

Erin silenced him with a quick kiss and when she pulled back they were both smiling. "It's perfect and I love it and I love you, and you were right."

Jay leaned in and kissed her again, this time slower, and she kissed him back.

"I love you too," he told her a moment later when the pair separated again. "How did your session go by the way?"

Erin sighed, not wanting to ruin their moment, but knowing she had to tell him about the earlier run-in with her mother. "My session was fine. It's what happened after that's not so fine."

Jay's forehead wrinkled and he reached for one of her hand's, giving it a soft squeeze. "What happened? Are you okay? The baby?"

"We're both fine, um, my uh – Bunny was waiting outside the apartment building when I got back. She said some things and yeah, you know how she is," Erin told him.

Jay sighed, obviously annoyed at the mention of her mother. "I'm really beginning to hate that woman."

Erin snorted. "Yeah, me too."

Jay squeezed her hand again before pulling her closer, as close as her belly would allow. "Are you sure you're okay?"

Erin nodded. "She's just always gonna be there, you know?"

"Yeah, I know," Jay said, "I'm just sorry you had to deal with her alone. I should have been there, I – "

Erin shook her head, dismissing him. "It's not your fault she's crazy. Besides, I handled her well enough."

Jay sighed, "You shouldn't have to though."

"It's fine now. I just didn't wanna keep it from you. Don't let her ruin this," Erin said nodding to the room surrounding them. "Because this is amazing and you're amazing."

"I just wanted to surprise you," Jay told her.

"Well you did. I really do love it. You did good, and I'm not sure how you seem to always know what I'm thinking or how I'm feeling, but I love you for it. I have been scared lately. He's gonna be here soon and then it's gonna be really real and, I just, I – "

"And we're really gonna be parents?"

Erin nodded. "I'm terrified."

"I know, but I am too," Jay told her. "I know I may not show it, but that's just because I'm trying to be strong for the both of us. I'm scared of screwing him up and hurting him, like our parents did to us. I don't wanna let him down, or you. I don't wanna be a bad dad."

Erin reached a hand up to his face. "You could never be a bad dad. I've seen you with kids and you're kind of a natural."

"I could say the same about you. Kids love you, and sometimes more than me," Jay told her, smiling. "Speaking of which, are you sure you're up to tonight? I can go alone. You should take it easy."

Erin shook her head. "I'm fine, really. We promised Will and Natalie, and I haven't seen them in a while. I'd feel bad letting you go alone. Besides, it's just for a few hours and Owen will probably be sleeping for most of it."

"If you say so. Come on, I'll order us some food and we can watch a movie or something," Jay said, taking a step toward the door, but Erin stood in her place in the middle of the bedroom.

"Let me know when the food is here. I'm gonna stay for a bit," Erin told him with a small smile.

Jay grinned back at her before leaning in and kissing the side of her head, and then left her to herself. Erin glanced around the room, taking it all in again and smiled as she walked over to the crib. She ran a hand along the smooth railing and smiled at the pastel blue and green bedding. A small, plush monkey sat in one corner and there was no mobile hanging above the crib – a fact that made Erin smile wider because she remembered at some point mentioning to Jay how cliché they were. She looked around and saw the sound soother she had preferred sitting on one of the middle shelves of a bookcase.

"I love that man," she said to herself as she walked to the corner of the room where the glider was and sat down. She lifted her feet to the ottoman and brought her hands to her belly, feeling a strong kick when she pressed against it.

She smiled again. "I love you, too."

Later that evening around seven, Erin and Jay arrived at Dr. Manning's apartment. She and Will swore up and down they were just friends that were meeting up with other friends for dinner and drinks, but Erin and Jay saw right through it – they had said the same thing once upon a time.

"Are you sure you're up for this?" Jay asked Erin as the pair stood outside the door to Natalie's apartment.

"Jay, I'm fine. Besides, we're already here so come on," Erin told him, nodding to the door.

He smiled and raised a closed fist to the door, knocking twice, and a few moments later the door opened to reveal Will on the other side.

"Hey guys. Come on in," he told the pair.

Erin and Jay entered the apartment, taking in the place – it was the first time either had been there. Will closed the door behind them while Jay took his and Erin's jackets and hung both up on the rack near the door. Neither mentioned multiple pairs of shoes in the entry way that clearly belonged to a man and not a woman. Erin and Jay glanced at each other and smiled knowingly.

"Thanks again for watching Owen. Work has been insane. Nat and I have both been pulling doubles for the last few weeks and we really just need a night out," Will said.

Erin smiled at him. "Of course. Where is he anyway? And Natalie?"

"We're right here," Natalie said, walking into the living room with her almost one year old son secured on her hip. The little boy had a teether clenched between his hands and his mouth.

"How are you?" Erin asked the woman who now stood next to her.

"Good, tired, but good. Owen ate already, but he'll probably be ready for a bottle in about a half hour or so, and then he should fall right to sleep. He's still teething so if he gets too fussy there's baby Orajel in his room right on the changing table. Help yourselves to anything and you both have our numbers if you need us.

"Sounds simple enough," Erin said, looking over at Jay who nodded in agreement.

"Thank you again. Will and I really need this," Natalie said, looking between Erin and Jay.

"No sweat," Jay said. "We get it. So, go on. Let us have the kid and you two get out of here."

Jay reached for Owen and Natalie handed him over before giving her son a kiss on the head and telling him she loved him. Will repeated her actions and then the pair said goodbye to Erin and Jay before grabbing their jackets and leaving the apartment.

Erin made her way to the couch, Jay right behind her with a babbling Owen in his arms. He sat down next to Erin and looked over at her, watching her as she watched the baby boy playing with the teething toy in his hands while he sat in Jay's lap.

"So, you buy the whole just friends spiel?" Erin asked Jay a few moments later.

"Absolutely not. You saw his shoes by the door. The guy is practically living here. It's only a matter of time before they realize how stupid they've been and admit it to themselves. Just prolonging the inevitable if you ask me," Jay told her.

Erin nodded in agreement. "They look good together, and Will seems to really care about Natalie and Owen. He's grown up a lot since I first met him."

"He has and I'm really glad he's pulled his head out of his you know what," Jay smiled, looking down at the boy in his lap who was hardly paying attention.

"He's a good kid," Erin said, her eyes now transfixed back on Owen.

"You wanna hold him?" Jay asked, glancing down at Owen.

"I think my belly would be in the way," Erin joked.

Jay chuckled, shaking his head, but picked up Owen and nestled him between himself and Erin. The little boy looked up at her, drool from chomping on his toy on his chin, and smiled a half-toothed grin at her. Erin smiled back at him and reached for one of his hands. He gripped one of her fingers before he looked at her stomach and Erin could quickly tell he was curious. She found she was right when the little boy let go of her hand and reached towards her belly. Erin placed a hand over top his and pressed gently, hoping her son would want to play. A few moments later she felt a kick and saw Owen's eyes widen at the feeling. Erin laughed, pressed again and smiled wider at the feel of her son kicking once more.

"That's my baby. He's saying hi to you," Erin told Owen who was completely infatuated by her stomach now.

Jay sat next to her in silence, watching her interact with Owen. He was enamored and grinning like an idiot as he watched her interact with him.

"You're going to be the best mom. You already are," Jay told her, lifting an arm to the back of the couch and holding the back of her head. He ran his fingers through Erin's hair and she smiled back at him, returning his grin ten-fold.

"I couldn't do it without you though," Erin said. "Any of it."

Jay leaned over and kissed her quickly, and the two watched on as Owen continued to press his fingers against her belly for his own amusement.

When the time came to put Owen to bed, Erin looked over at Jay. He could tell she was nervous as she glanced between him and Owen, but he just smiled and nodded.

"I'll get his bottle ready. You okay carrying him?" Jay asked her.

She nodded and stood from the couch, then reached for Owen. "Come on buddy."

He went to her and let her pick him up without a fuss, and Erin carried him out of the living room to his bedroom. She brought him over to the rocking chair in the room and sat down, maneuvering him against her chest and side so that they were both comfortable. He was already in his pajamas and Erin could tell he was ready for sleep – so was she. Jay entered the room a few minutes later with a bottle and handed it to Erin.

"I'll be in the living room if you need me," Jay told her quietly, assuming she wanted to do this alone.

He was right; Erin just nodded at him with a small smile before she brought the bottle to Owen's lips and he took it happily, resting a hand over Erin's on the bottle. The little guy was out in ten minutes, but Erin held onto him and continued rocking him. She set the half empty bottle on the small table next to the rocker and looked back down at the baby in her arms.

All she could do was smile as she thought about her own baby boy, and doing this with him. Months ago, she was terrified of having a baby – she still kind of was, but sitting here like this with Owen snuggled against her chest, she knew she wanted her baby more than anything. She couldn't believe she almost hadn't kept him.

Erin stayed in the rocker for a few minutes more before she pulled herself up and brought Owen to his crib. She laid him down and covered him with a light blanket, thankful he didn't stir at all, and closed the door quietly behind her as she left the room. She found Jay on the couch and sat down, leaning into him as he wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her in as close as he could.

"You okay?" He asked her.

"Yeah, I'm just excited for him to finally be here," Erin said, running a hand over her belly.

"Me too," Jay told her, placing a kiss on the top of her head.

They watched some movie on television for a while – neither paying much attention, but both very close to falling asleep until they heard a key in the door a few hours later. They could hear Will's voice on the other side, and then the door opened revealing him and Natalie. They both smiled at Erin and Jay, and took a seat next to each other on the opposite couch.

"You're home kinda early. Would have thought you'd stay out longer. What happened?" Jay asked.

"April wasn't feeling too well so Tate took her home and Maggie insisted she was feeling like a third wheel so she left not long after they did," Natalie explained. "Owen asleep?"

Erin nodded. "He passed right out. He's a sweetheart."

Natalie smiled. "I'm gonna go peak in on him."

Will watched her leave the living room and caught Jay's eye. "What?"

"So, Maggie was feeling like a third wheel huh? Just friends though, right?" Jay asked with a grin while Erin laughed and sat up on the couch.

Will rolled his eyes. "We are just friends. Plus, we work together."

"Yeah, because your brother and I would know nothing about that whatsoever," Erin smirked.

Will rolled his eyes. "I'm serious. She's been through a lot and she's not looking for a relationship or – "

"Whoa! Did my brother just say the 'R' word?" Jay teased grinning at Will.

The doctor all but blushed and shook his head.

"Just tell her how you feel," Jay told him.

"It's not that easy," Will said.

"Yes, it is," Erin interrupted. "Don't wait like we did. Life's too short Will. Besides, we saw your shoes by the door."

Will sighed, running a hand through his hair just as Natalie walked back into the room.

"He's still knocked out," Natalie said, sitting down next to Will. "How was your night?"

"Good. He was very interested in my belly, especially when the baby started kicking up a storm."

Natalie smiled at her. "You excited? You're due soon, right?"

Erin nodded and Jay squeezed her shoulder. "One more month."

"And have you picked out a name for my nephew yet?" Will asked.

"Not yet," Jay said.

Erin turned her head to look at him. "We should probably do that soon."

"I wouldn't be opposed to him being named after me, just so you're aware," Will suggested.

The other three adults laughed, Jay shaking his head.

"Yeah, we'll see about that," Jay said, then looked at Erin as she let out a long yawn. "I think it's time to get you home and into bed. You've had a long day."

Erin nodded, another yawn escaping her, and she and Jay stood from their spots on the couch.

"Thanks again for watching Owen," Natalie said to her friends.

Jay waved her off. "Don't even worry about it."

"Yeah," Erin agreed. "He's a good baby and like I said, he's a total sweetheart."

"We still appreciate it," Will said.

"We, huh?" Jay asked, smirking at his brother.

Both Will and Natalie's faces flushed causing Jay and Erin to smile.

"It was so great seeing you again little brother. I do hope you have a wonderful evening," Will said, forcing a smile through his still red cheeks.

Erin and Jay smiled again and walked to the door, grabbing their jackets. The four said a quick goodbye and exchanged hugs, and then Erin and Jay left. They arrived back at their own apartment twenty minutes later, Erin nearly asleep in the passenger seat when Jay parked the car. He helped her to her feet, holding her against him, and led her to the elevator – there was no way she was making it up the stairs.

When the pair entered the apartment, they kicked off their shoes and made their way to their bedroom. Erin all but fell onto the bed, already half asleep.

"You're not gonna be comfortable in those clothes. Come here you," Jay said to her. He walked to her side of the bed and pulled her pants off, tossing them to the floor, then did the same with her sweater.

"What do you wanna sleep in baby?" He asked her.

"Don't care," Erin mumbled. "Just wanna sleep."

Jay chuckled and then reached around her back. He unclasped her bra, removed the straps from her shoulders, and pulled it out from under her tank top. He tossed it behind him and then eased Erin onto her back.

"Socks, yay or nay?" He asked her.

Erin shook her head and he pulled them off, leaving her in her tank top and underwear before he pulled the comforter out from under her and tucked her in. He discarded his own clothes then, save for his boxers, and got into bed beside her; Erin immediately turned as best she could with her belly and made herself comfortable against him.

"If I didn't say it before, thank you for the nursery. It really is perfect," Erin mumbled against his shoulder.

Jay smiled even though she couldn't see him and leaned down to kiss the top of her head. "You're welcome and I'm glad you like it. Now get some sleep. I love you."

She mumbled incoherently and then she was out.

 **XXX**

The next morning when Erin woke up, Jay was already gone. She saw the time – 11:44 AM, and reached for her phone. She had a text from him that said he didn't want to wake her just to say goodbye and that he'd see her at home when he was done at the district. She rolled over to try and sleep a little more, still feeling exhausted despite sleeping in so late, and had just gotten comfortable when she heard knocking coming from the living room. Erin groaned into her pillow and pulled herself out of bed. She put on some sweatpants and a hoodie that barely fit her now and made her way out of the bedroom, and to the front door.

Erin pulled the door open and rolled her eyes. "Are you kidding me?"

"Hi sweetheart," Bunny smiled.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Erin asked, crossing her arms over her chest.

"I want to apologize. May I please come in?"

Erin slanted her eyes in disbelief. "No, you can't."

"Erin, please, I just – "

"Was I not clear enough yet again for you?" Erin asked her mother, her tone clipped and her voice loud.

"Erin, I just want to – "

"I don't care what you want! What I want is for you to leave me the hell alone once and for all. Why is it so hard for you to understand that I want nothing to do with you anymore?" Erin said, stepping back and moving to close the door.

Bunny was quicker and stepped into the doorway, pushing against the door. "Just give me five minutes to – "

"Why do you keep doing this to me?" Erin shouted, tears in her eyes.

Bunny stepped back as if she'd just been slapped. She was about to speak when Erin stepped back and clutched her side, her face twisting in obvious pain.

"Erin?" Bunny called, stepping forward.

Erin swallowed back the pain she felt in her side and looked back up at her mother. "You need to go. Now."

"What's wrong?"

Erin shook her head and reached for the door again before shouting again at her mother. "Just leave!"

Another sharp pain hit her and she felt her baby move inside of her, a strong kick that hadn't felt like the others she'd felt before. She knew what was happening, her doctor had warned her she could go early because of the things that she'd done in her first trimester, and right now she was willing it not to with everything she had inside of her.

"Please go," Erin bit out.

"I think you need to go to the hospital. I can drive you," Bunny said, but Erin laughed at her offer.

"I'm not going anywhere with you. I'll be just fine. Now get out," Erin spat through clenched teeth.

She started breathing heavily, forcing herself to take deep breaths despite the pain she felt. She held her side with one hand and rubbed the top of her belly with the other.

"Please," she whispered to herself, "Not yet. Not now baby, please."

Bunny sighed and stepped forward, placing her hands on Erin's shoulders despite her fighting against it. "I know I'm the last person you want around for this, but please let me take you to the hospital."

Erin opened her mouth to speak, but was hit with another wave of pain that caused her to double over and cry out. She took several deep breaths before standing upright again and stared her mother down. Bunny stood there, not breaking her daughter's gaze for several moments, before rolling her eyes and pointing over her shoulder.

"Let's go," Bunny said.

"I need shoes and my phone and my wallet," Erin told her.

"Where are they?" Bunny asked.

"Slippers next to my bed. Phone and wallet on my nightstand," Erin groaned out just as she was hit again with another bout of pain and she winced, clutching her side.

Bunny disappeared and was back in moments with phone and wallet in hand, and helped Erin into her slippers. She led her daughter out of the apartment, closing the door behind her.


End file.
